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FIRST&LAST ANDY PARSONS ANDY PARSONS The Mock the Week The Mock the Week regular talks us regular talks us
First record you ever bought ‘Town Called Malice’ by The Jam. Last time you exploited your position to get something Doing this.
Last extravagant purchase you Last extravagant purchase yo made made Tropicana Orange Juice. Tropicana Orange Juice. First concert you ever attended The Jam (I never did go and see Racey).
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through his life, through his life, from The Jam from The Jam and Racey to and Racey to Jagermeister Jagermeister and Chinese and Chinese antiques antiques
First film you saw that really First film you saw that really moved you moved you The Prisoner of Zenda, aged The Prisoner of Zenda, aged seven. I had nightmares. seven. I had nightmares. Last lie you told Last lie you told Saying first record I ever bought Saying first record I ever bought was ‘Town Called Malice’ by was ‘Town Called Malice’ by The Jam. I think it was probably The Jam. I think it was probably ‘Some Girls Do’ by Racey. ‘Some Girls Do’ by Racey.
First movie you ever went on First movie you ever went on a date to a date to Conan the Barbarian. Her choice Conan the Barbarian. Her choice, from memory. from memory.
Last time you cried Last time you cried Aunt’s funeral. You asked. Aunt’s funeral. You asked. First crush First crush Catherine. Both aged six. We Catherine. Both aged six. We used to have a great game of used to have a great game of Doctors and Nurses. Doctors and Nurses.
Last book you read Last book you read Why It’s Kicking Off Everywhere Why It’s Kicking Off Everywhere by Paul Mason. by Paul Mason. First great piece of advice you First great piece of advice you were given were given Don’t go on a date to Conan the Don’t go on a date to Conan the Barbarian. Barbarian.
Last time you bought someone flowers Last week. Bunches in supermarkets are surprisingly bargainous now. First object you’d save from your burning home Assuming people aren’t objects, it would probably be a credit card. Very practical.
Last funny thing you saw online Got sent a screengrab from the Antiques Roadshow of some ancient Chinese porcelain figure that supposedly looks like me. I now use it as my Twitter avatar. First thing you think of when you wake up in the morning Cuddle/tea/wee.
Last thing you think of before you go to sleep Sheep.
■ Andy Parsons appears at the King’s Theatre, Glasgow, Wed 20 Mar, as part of the Glasgow Comedy Festival.
THE STYLE ISSUE Pack that duffel coat away – spring is here! It’s still grey outside, but that’s all the more reason to brighten your wardrobe with the help of Scotland’s finest indie fashion boutiques – and your favourite publication, of course. EASTER DAYS OUT The kids are hopped up on chocolate and the schools don’t go back for ages. What do you do? You reach for the next issue of The List, which contains all the best events to keep you and your young ‘uns entertained.
Misadventures IN WONDERLAND
experiences – and given that I don’t think my before the duelling commenced. When I i nally
l atmate has ever seen me standing upright, this worked out how to handle the sword properly,
seemed like a great idea. I was allowed to do a lot more than I thought
The Society of Historical Fencing is 3000-strong I would be, certainly a lot more swinging and
and the class was predominantly female, which lunging than I’ve ever done before, and was even
WEAPON OF CHOICE
was certainly a surprise to me, and made me allowed to strike the instructor Andy with it. The
The List’s new columnist Alice White goes in search of Scotland’s more unusual events and experiences. This issue we send her to i nd out what it’s like to wield a sword at a historical fencing class
realise I am a total sexist. And no, I’m not going to more advanced members of the group were
tell you about how someone turned up dressed as doing some pretty impressive l icks given one of
a pirate, as this information will only distract you. these swords weighs as much as a human leg.
Obviously my i rst question, being the high- Despite my novice status, and lack of a cape,
brow writer I am, was whether there had I had a lot of fun, and as a bonus I should now
been any major stabbing accidents. A dry ‘not be able to beat a person who has never had a
As strange as it is being ordered by your boss to yet’ i lled me with hope. Broken bones are
sword-i ghting lesson. Unless they go into a
go and fight a bunch of strangers with a stick,
considered less hassle to deal with than blood, frenzy that is, as I’ll still be working out where
I told myself this still wasn’t an excuse for the but there’s only been one fractured i nger in a
to put my feet to make sure I don’t fall over. The
return of my belligerent attitude when forced to
whole year of sword-i ghting activity. In my mind, pen may well be mightier, but that’s exactly the
do PE at school. My mum would give me a new I thought: ‘Well, you’re clearly not doing it right
sort of thing said by people who don’t know how
sick note every day, which I gave up checking, then’.
until the day my teacher laughed when it simply We put on our helmets and gloves – and also,
read: ‘Alice is a lazy cow’. But, it’s still almost for one of my fellow classmates, a regal, dark
a New Year – meaning we all want to try new purple cape – and started by saluting each other
to use a longsword. ■ Alice went Historical Fencing with Stork’s Beak: School of Historical Swordsmanship. For details of classes see storksbeak.co.uk
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