Sucking the blood of popular entertainment
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I George Orwell likened advertising to rattling a stick around a swill bucket. Swill buckets like the Leech, though. tend to prefer dangling carrots to threatening lengths of wood. a situation Gordon Ramsay appreCIates. The stroppy cook has been plugging his new series of The F Word recently. recounting the stick he endured while filming Cliff Richard. Apparently Ramsay blindfolded Sir Wretched and
made him drink his own brand of wine.
a vintage so vile that the Christian crooner wheeled round and swore at him like a fatally wounded pirate.
I Though obViously a case of the fucking pot calling the pissing kettle black. even Cliff's unholiest utterances weren't enough to satisfy Ramsay's desire for column inches. No. for that you need carrots. At least that's what the celebrity chef advises his youngest son. ‘Eat your carrots every day and it'll make your winkie grow bigger‘. Certainly, it'll make his eyesight so strong he can kid himself more easily. Aware that Delia Smith boosts sales of rolling pins whenever she wields one on television, the Leech presumes carrots are now flying off grocers’ shelves like knobbly orange Viagra. Why? Because people are relentless. gullible consumers. And idiots obsessed with sexual performance.
I None more so than teenagers. Especially those who aren‘t getting any. Unfortunately for advertising agencies. this demographic is becoming increasingly cynical. particularly regarding product placement in movies. 'Drink this cola and you can be a lingerie model!‘ Or ‘drink this and you can have sex with
lingerie models!‘ Enough! The Leech is
already halfway to the lobby! Traditionally, novels have been above
12 THE LIST 22 Jun—6 Jul 2006
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this shameful DTEiCIIM). Yet <;<>:;iii<;ti<t companies are now bribing writers to namedrop lipsticks and sanitary towels in their teen fiction. It's a dispiriting trend for Sure. but there aie precedents. In 2001, Fay Weldon pocketed an undisclosed sum ‘rrlien she shilled for the Bulgari Jewellen. company With her incredible flight of fantasy. The Bulgari Connection. Likewise. Bret Easton Ellis fills his books with endless labels. the underlying message invariably 'wear a stylish suit when murdering and dismembering prostitutes". And lets not forget Harry Potter And The i‘yliik Chocolate That Me/ted In His Mouth. Not In HIS Hand.
I Speaking of chocolate. congratulations to Nestle's marketing wonks and wannabe Wonkas for realiSing fame hungry pillocks Wlll buy Kit-Kats by the million in order to snaffle a golden ticket and a chance to enter Big Brother. The company badly needed a boost after their famous fix/3. water, Perrier. abandoned its 25-year sponsorship of the prestigiOLis Edinburgh Fringe comedy award. Their withdrawal follows minor protests by African children that the Perrier exploits and abuses vulnerable comedians Please think of the comedians.
Fizzy drink winner
' ” THE WELSH
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5 NOTORIOUS BIKINI MOMENTS
Known for years as the champion sheep shaggers of the United Kingdom, Welsh people are experiencing something of a revival in public opinion . . . or they should be. Charlotte Church is a prime example of why leek lovers should be given more respect — her mu5ic may be crumblier than Caerphilly cheese but I know who l‘d back in a fight against Paris Hilton. Go Cymru!
CULOTTES
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Merging two great things together to make one bad one is rife in history: fishcakes (yuckl). sheepskin (oh no!!) and Bing & Bowie (the humanity!!!). But the splicing of a skirt and shorts (skorts, for pity's sake) is a travesty of style. Yes. I'm sure they're really comfy but doesn't the wearer realise they look like a cross between a Nazi ‘ stormtrooper on their hols and a polo player about to mallet a commoner?
As the charming two-piece celebrates its 60th year, we recall the garments strained cultural history.
Raquel Welch When Ms Welch romped arOund the prehistoric set of One Mil/ion Years BC, many wags reckoned that's how far back she had put both the feminist and vegetarian movements. A fur- lined bikini may have been an attempt at period authenticity but it's unlikely that the era's cavegirls had similar access to bottles of Timotei.
Rik Maya" OUite possibly only Bik could have got away with dressing up in a red rubber bikini in the terminally awful Guest House Paradi‘so alongSide his pal and fellow battering ram Adrian Edmondson. lntriguingly. or otherwise. the movie's co-star Simon Pegg donned a Similar item to frenetically dance around at a busmess seminar for a scene in Big Train.
Halle Berry Apparently, the Oscar-Winning actress kept hold of the famous orange number long after Bond movie Die Another Day had wrapped. Seems she tried it on every couple of months as a gauge for whether she needed to lose weight. Some people prefer scales for that kind of analysis.
Timmy Mallet When the multi-coloured spec- wearing loon from kids TV show Wide Awake Club reached number one with his version of Brian Hyland’s 60$ hit ‘ltsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie Yellow Polka Dot Bikini'. there wasn't a human in Britain who didn't stare at Timmy's surname and wish they had such an object on them at that very moment.
Bikini Atoll As tasteful as Miss World contests taking place in war-torn nations is the garments genesis. The name was coined in 1946 by French engineer Louis Beard and designer Jacques Helm because they wanted it to elicit a reaction similar to an atomic explosion. So the Micronesian island. a nuclear
“35‘ Zone afie’ WW2. gamed a difiefent notoriety.