tfieLEECH
Sucking the blood of popular entertainment
i I .i .r eh” f'i’ill'llthiflf), If they're t' .' ; take snekrtoxxnt; on naive
.53.»: .~ urttiall 'nanagers. exposing l t [ twnrx‘rats .'.rth a penchant for ‘ "r-r‘r'. b they're penning
'. ant: mentrlrirng tedious
«z; ’~,rtlr'l‘..’lfk lri the rnarn. you can uh it.» ~,our l tu'th l state up your l r. ‘tate ariri ,oar tabloid expose where "2e fire ttori't snrne .ts papara//o .ilh! .irr, drop off an readable tr w at: lre flt:t;ilttll/:t’: Of course. f' 2‘ l m: '.‘.l‘.tr always untamed to write ta 1". amt an‘t complain now it's come ‘. gin fl:r‘.t,'l 'ieetled the excuse of .. ‘5: inform tnat freefloating sense of self-loathing that's been ' ' larttt. No. its just that
‘.t':» it when one of you
ry. l ..,.\'iy l‘ ; it n arms a crack at a fellow hack. rat rutirrespondent's Joy then. it 'er' .r'rreriran Daniel Krtson
in fol-32
refer to The l we; Brian
[in r n the course of his recent .1 3"1' Stand in (hasgow. as 'a ‘t..'kr:u: t'tt- "ritl'itmt tirrier'. After
at. t. =1, it:.lll‘ti:$'\ and humbly
a to: 't-qtrttrhtltil‘r rn tuckprggery's t .‘r‘et‘ns. I't‘ l eecn has been .'.~l"\:t‘li7‘\_} nov. Donaldsort's nickname
t i I o ,t «r‘r " I ~, t, (\i\) l '\ ,krl l\} [ ryfn (l‘.'.’t,li>,
I f} 'tvc'it' ‘.'.'tt7‘ 'lt‘\t?t gate a trrtker’s lass. tr rial-ed a klke’s. Daddy’s or 3p m ‘ .' trt'Tt” people}: opinions. much
A til . tl'lt't tl‘rt'txtn
ls Beirut rt
Mannrr‘t; the retra htirnorrst and
'trtxt? l‘t‘.r
txlttrier Theresa tan is appearing at the fit'ltwltlttltl or‘ 1‘. March the first won‘t-tit act to (am till“. the Ballroom if discount l‘vlarrl'rort, yet has been
. rrtrttt't. front the Grasgow international tX‘rntt-aj. lestrtar programme because. to paraphrase organisers, he's the worst thing since unsliced bread A scurt‘e Close to Mannrrtt. possrth the chubby ritummys boys rnurn. titers: attention to the inclusion of Jrn‘ Box-sen. Jerry Sadowrtz and Jerry
12 THE LIST .V‘t“ .‘let‘r 3006
Springer; The Opera in the programme. (:lairriing ‘these three have a history of causing offence whilst being incredibly funny. something wrth Sadowrt/ that the Comedy festival has been happy to promote by advertising hrm as the UK's most offenswe comedian". Manning meanwhile. is apparently unperturbed. ‘He feels he is better known and funnier than those taking part.” said Manning's chum. The l ee<;h wonders rf this focus on harmless hateful cocks like Manning and Sadomt/ is obsCurrng the continued use of the UK's most genuinely offensive comic. Joe Pasquale. the new host of The Prrce /s Right. Come on down. Squeaky. Then go ahead and piss off forever.
I Also turning the air blue over the blue parts of Glasgow has been BBC weathergirl Krrsty McCabe lprctured». who. mildly offensively and totally hilariously. referred to Rangers lbrox Stadium as ‘Castle Greyskull' in a recent breakfast weather forecast. As sensitive supporters choked on their Coco Pops. the apparently Hun-bashing meteOrologrst was forced to apologise fOr her allegedly ‘off the Cuft' remark. thOugh ironically. only after causmg rturnerOus storms rr teaCups on a relatively Clement January morning.
LOVE! DISEMBODIED HEADS
In our last issue we had the head of chef Tony Singh talk about chips and this inspired the thought that pictures of free- floating heads are a really great thing. They lack the cumbersome body and probing limbs of normal people. They lend an air of absurdity to any subject: we can imagine making it through an entire episode of My Family. a Will Self novel or an album by the Mars Volta should any of them involve cut out head shots.
HATE! IT HELPLINES ~
Right. let‘s get this malingering crate of bolts fixed. Recorded for training purposes. how flattering. Hello? Brian. is it? Come on, what's your real name? How‘s Delhi? No, at 75p a minute. why wouldn't I choose to hold? Mmm. Vivaldi's ‘Four Seasons‘. soothing . . . homicidal rage subsiding . . . de dum de do . . . what. hello? Wait. could you explain that a little slower? Not that slow. you patronising . . . well, of course it's plugged in. Oh hang on . . .
5 FANTASY ANIMAL MOVIES
There are a lot of films With creatures in them out this fortnight, including Chicken Little and Little Polar Bear 2. So what can we expect in the future?
The Lib Dem Family Bear When big bold Oaty the bear leaves his famin cave he gets propositioned by an opportunistic koala and ends up in a menage a trois wrth a sloth. Unfortunately a bunch of Sun bears Witness the whole thing and report back to Mowglr. the lord of Jungle. Oaty loses his family and his chair arOund the Porridge Eaters Debating SOCIety table.
The Get Back to Work Gang Overly srrirley gazelle Tony and warlhog pal John decide their forest home is too full of workdodgrng creatures and round up all the sick members of the wood, grvrng them one chOice — 'go and plough the fields or be shot and buried in the latrine drtch'. The Sickly lxaavers and squirrels drink stagnant pond water in a mass suicide bid.
Free Wilma When transsexual whale Willerilma gets stranded halfway up the Thames. only one mammal can help. Enter renegade rnayOr Ken Lrvrngstone. on a mission to take Willy/Wilma home whrle the whole of London watches. Unable to pay the water congestion Charges at Gravesend the whale {played by Chris Penn in his final role) leaps over the guards and on to freedom.
The Tea Party Six retired Circus chimps come together for one last tea party in aid of a 24 how televrsed charity telethon. But recrrminatron and showbiz JealouSres raise their ugly heads s they start throwrng sponge cake at each other on arr.
6W Bird Jr A goose. a stork and a hawk discover an evrl Asian dictator bird's plans to release a deadly bird flu aoross the Midwest. The only thing that stands between the farming heart of America and the deadly vrrus is GW Bird Jr. who suggests they meet this vrral terrorism head on by invading another c0untny entirely. one that has huge supplies of birdseed.