té’ceLEECH
Sucking the blood of popular entertainment
Where you too can walk on water
I New York. London. Paris . . . Glasgow. Everyone's slurring ab0ut . . . whisky! Our noble national tipple finally receives its homecoming With the arrival of the Whisky Live tour in George Square. As a professional drinker and aspirant bon viveur. dram always to hand. glass always to throat. the Leech rang the ticket 'notline to demand an access-alI-casks pass. Alas. the shameful pleading exposed the Leech as the Lush. but undeterred. the Leech WI“ be infiltrating the Glasgow shindig with you paying plebs and leaVing it as one of those drunken idiots who spoil things for the rest of us.
But as the Leech's great friend and adversary WinsIOn Churchill used to say. 'the l eech has taken more from alcohol than alcohol has taken from the Leech'. It Just rankled that the prime iriiiiister made it to the House of Commons during a debate about fishing tariffs. But then the old bulldog could always put it about because he could always put 'em away. The Leech distrusts any politician who doesn’t drink and thus heartily toasts Ken Clarke's return to the Tory leadership race. So what if he likes a pint or three. That's what a lifelong love of jazz does to you. Moreover. now the phrase 'couldn't organise a piss-up in a
brewery has been supplanted by ‘couldri't organise an effective opposition in the face of a lame duck
12 THE LIST ft 2)? Set) .7005)
of the c0untry was against'. we should all be rushing to embrace 24-hour drinking as if our pointless lives depended on it.
I It's politicians like the undoubtedly shandy drinking Hywel Francis that really get the Leech's goat. Despite voting nine times to introduce 24-hour drinking in England and Wales. the Labour MP is fighting the Morpeth Arms in London extending its licence beyond 1 1pm just once a month. As a local. he believes it would “destroy the peaceful character of the area'. But altogether less funny is the prospect of a soberer Scotland. every raving philosopher on a street corner now heading south to shout their deranged brains around the clock. while we continue wasting time debating the merits of all-night cafe culture violence. hooliganism and general skylarking.
I Striking a further blow for the teetotalitarianists. Smirnoff appears to have drunk too much of its own product. It's taking liquid from the Water of Leith to make it instantly drinkable. There's a whole sinister, anti-Jesus. alcohol-into-water thing vibe about this. Besides. with Edinburgh's committed drunks now shuffling off to be fished out of the Thames or Avon in the early hours. the water in the capital is already immeasurably purer anyway. Slainte!
prime minister and war that the majority
SMOKING CHIC ’
While it is creeping up behind 7
breaking wind in public and
necrophilia as one of society's big
social no-nos, the fashion and
ephemera surrounding smoking are
still hugely appealing. There’s the
funky ashtrays, velvet smoking
. I jackets, cigar boxes or dapper
‘1 " , -' I cigarette holders with only the slow,
" L painful death from cancer that gets in .‘ .i‘ the way of a thoroughly good time.
L * ADVICE _
Whether from sheepish fathers, forthright agony aunts or drunk pub ‘besssiematezzz’, these pearls of wisdom can catch in the throat. As we know from childhood, learning is just failing and knowing not to do it again. What stories would we have to tell in the pub if it wasn't for gambling everything on red, believing you could get away with that outfit or snogging that ladyboy?
Hearts winning the league
Behind the scenes foreign tycoon or not, everyone knows the Edinburgh way: sprint out ahead and then throw it all away in the closing moments. Look to Celtic last season for inspiration. What are the chances? 70—1
News readers getting somewhere to sit again
Jon Snow. a man of great dignity when it comes to news dissemination, reduced to looking like a bloke at a bus stop with a sheet of paper in his hand. What are the chances? 150—1
Anyone ever wanting to hear that James Blunt song again
A mere three months ago he was a potential shoplifter with a record deal. Now he's Mersyside's answer to Bob Dylan. ‘Beautiful' as it might be. it really does your nut in after only 800 plays. What are the chances? 33.3—1
Alexander McCall Smith not having a new book out
He puts one out what feels like every week and a half (well, in truth it's every six months) and fair gets around for an old fella. The real Herculean feat here is anyone actually having the time to read them all. What are the chances? 22—1
Scarlett Johansson ever making a good movie again
She’s still a pup in Hollywood terms but post-Lost in Translation, Ghost World and The Girl With the Pearl Earring superstardom beckons and what do we get? The Island. Decades of smouldering dollybird roles await her. What are the chances? 37—1