TTTTTTTTTHHHHHHHHHHHEEEEEEEEE HHHHHHHHEEEEEEEENNNNNNNNNNDDDDDDDDDDDDDDRRRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIICCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKK’’’SSSSSSSSS THE HENDRICK’S GUIDE TO GGGGGGGGGGGUUUUUUUUUUUUIIIIIIIIIIDDDDDDDDDDEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE TTTTTTTTTTOOOOOOOOO TRAVEL ETIQUETTE
PPPPPPANANANANANAA ICICICI ! ! ! PAPAPAAPAPAPANINININININNIN C!CC!C!C!C!CCC!! PPPPPPP PANIC! PANIC! Society is in tatters! SSSSSSSococococococoococococcooo ieieieieieieietytytytyyty iiiiiis s ss s s s ininininin ttttttatatatattetetetett rsrsrssrs! ! ! ! Newspapers are frequently discard- NeNeNeNeNNeNeNN wswswswswswsw papapapapapppap peppepepeppersrsrsrrrs aaaaarerereeere fffffffrererererer ququququququqqqq enenenenenennnnnnnnne tltlttltltttttttttttttttttltt y y y y y y didididididiiscscsscscscs arararararrararrrdddddd---- ededededdede oooooon n n n n n trtrtrtrtrt aiaiaiaiaiaain n n nnn cacacacacaaaaacaarrrrrrrrrrr iaiaiaaaiaiagegegegegegegegeeggeeeeeeeeeees,s,s,s,s,ssssssss, aaaaaantntntntntnttntisisisisisissssocococococoo iaiaiaiaiaiiaiaallllllllllllllll y y y y y yy loololololololoooudududududud ed on train carriages, antisocially loud heheheheheheadaddadaddphphphphphphphphphononononnononno e e eeeee usususususuuse e eeeee isisisisi rrrrrififififififfiffe e e eee ee anananananand dd ddd stststttstststaanananaanandididididid ngngngngngng oooooon n n nnnn headphone use is rife and standing on ththththththt ee eee wrwrwrwrwrwrwwrww ooonononnnong g gggg g sisisisisisiiiiiiiis dedededededeeddddddddd ooooooof ff f ff f esesesesesesescacacacacacalalalalalaalaatotototototoorsrsrsrsrrs iiiiiis s s s upupupupupupuppp bbbbbbbbbbbby y y yyyy yy the wrong side of escalators is up by aa a aa aa shshshshhshhocococococooo kikikikikik ngngngngngng 22222222%!%!%!%!%!%!%!%! WWWWWWWe e e e ararararare e e e cacacacacauguguguggugggggughthththtth iiiiiin nn nn nnnn thththththththheee e eeeee a shocking 2%! We are caught in the bebebebebebebeebelllllllllllllll y y yy y y y ofofofofofof aaaaaaa ppppppppigigigigigigg cccccccalalalalalalalalalleleleleleleled d d d dddd papapapapapapapap ndndndndndndndememememememmmonononononooonooo iuiuiuuiuiuium mm m m mm belly of a pig called pandemonium (a(((a(a(alslslslslsso ooo o knknknknknknowowoowowowo nn,n,n,n,n, ssssssomomomomomommeweweweweweweweweweewwwwwwhahahaahahhaaatt t t ttt eueueueueeueuphphphphphphphppphememememmememe isisisisistitititiitticacacaacacaallllllllllllly,y,yy,y,y,y aaaaaaaaaas s s sssssss (also known, somewhat euphemistically, as ‘m‘m‘mm‘m‘m‘mm dodododododddderererererern nnn n n nn trtrtrttrtravavavavvvavva eleleleleleleleleeee ’)’)’)’)’)))). .. WhWhWhWhWhWhWhWhWWWWWWWW atatatatatat iiiiiiis s s s s thththththththatatatatattta IIIII hhhhheaeaeaeaeaear r r r r yoyoyoyoyooouu u u u uuuu ‘modern travel’). What is that I hear you scscscscss rererereeeamamamamamaminininininining?g?g?g?g?g?g?g?g?g ‘H‘H‘H‘HH‘H‘H‘Howowowowowowowow ccccccanananannnan oooooordrdrrdrdrdrderererererrr, , ,,, , fafafafafafaffaaff iririiririiir pppppplalalalalalal y,y,y,y,y,yyyy,yy, screaming? ‘How can order, fair play, ananananand d d ddd trtrrrtrt ananannananananaa ququququququququililililililii itititititititititttttitty y y y y yyyy bebebebebebebe rrrrrrrreetetetetetteturururuuurnenenenenedd d d d totototootoooo oooooururururururr and tranquility be returned to our dadadadadadailililililiili y yy y y yy jojoojojojooooururururururuu neneneneennneeysysysysysysyss?’?’?’??’?’ WWWWWWWWWeleeleelelell,l,l,ll IIIIIIII aaaaaaamm m m m mm veveveveveveeeeryryryryrrry ggggggglalalalalalal d d d d d dddd daily journeys?’ Well, I am very glad yoyoyoyoyoyoyoyooyou u uu asasasasaasasa kekekekekekeek d,dd,d,d,d,d,d aaaaas s s sss ififififfififi yyyyyyyyououoouoouoou hhhhhhhadadadadadadn’n’nnn’nnn t,t,t,t,t, ttttthihihihihihihih s s s ssss rarararararr mmmmmm---- you asked, as if you hadn’t, this ram- blblbblbllblinininining g g g ggg gg inininininintrtrtrtrtrodododododdodododucucucucucucucucttitititititit onononononononnon ccccccououoouooooouldldlddddl hhhhhhhhhavavavavavaaaaaaaa e e e e e e cococococooocoooonnnnnnn---- bling introduction could have con- tititititititinunnunununnunun edededdded ffffffffforoorrororeveveevevevvvererererererere . .. . tinued forever. ThThThThThThT e ee eee anananananananswswswswswwwwerererererer iiiiiiis s ssss sisisisisisimpmpmpmpmpppleleleelelelele: : : : mamamamammamannnnnnnnnnnn erererere s,sss,s,s,s, mmmmmmanaanananan--- The answer is simple: manners, man- nenenenenen rsrsrsrsrsr ,,,,, mamamamamamamannnnnnnnnnnnnererererererers.s.ssss HHHHHHHHerereerererere e ee ee ee ararararaare eee e 7 7 777 7 sisisissisimpmpmpmpmpmpmpmplelleleleleleleee rrrrrulululululullu esesesesesesess ners, manners. Here are 7 simple rules tototototototot eeeeensnsnsnssnnsn urururururre e e ee ee yoyoyoyoyoyooyou u u uu arararararara e e e eee a a a aa popopoppopopolillilililitetetetette ppppppppasasasasasasasseseseseseseesengngngngngngngerererererer to ensure you are a polite passenger whwhwhwhwhwhwho o o o o wiwiwiwiwiwiwiwwww llllllllllll bbbbbbe ee eee e lolololololooveveveveveveved dd d d ddd ananaannand d d dd d adadadadadaada mimimimimimimirrererererr d ddd d d bybybybybybybybyy who will be loved and admired by yoyoyoyooyoururururururr ffffffelelele lololol ww w ww cococococommmmmmmmmmmmmututututuu erereree s.s.ss.s your fellow commuters.
1.1.1.11 WhWhWhWhWhWWWhWW eneneneneneneneneneeneneeennnnnnnn aaaaaa nnnnnnnewewewewewewwewwwwwwwweeew ppppppppppppasassasasasssasseseeeesesengngngngngnngngngngggererererer eeeeeeeentntntnttttntntn eeererererereeereerrrrrrrs s s ss s 1. When a new passenger enters yyyyoyoyoyoyoy urururr cccccaaraarararrrrrra riririrririirirrr agagaaagaagagagge,e,e,e,e,e, sssssssshahahahahahaahaaaahaaahaakekekekekekkkk tttttthhehehehehhh iriririiriiriri hhhhhhhhanananananaa d d d d d ddddd your carriage, shake their hand anananananannanananannnnnd d dddddd asaasasasaskkkkkkkk ifififififffff yyyyyyyyououououuu ccccccanananaanann mmmmmmakakakkakaka e e e eee ththththththththt ememememm aaaaaa and ask if you can make them a tetetetettet a a aaaaa oorororororo cccccccccofofofoffoffffffffefefefefefeefffeee.e.e..e.eeeeeee PPPPPutututttut tttthhhehehehh m m mm m atatatat eeeeeeasasasasase e e ee eee bybybybybybyby tea or coffee. Put them at ease by inininininnininnnnnntrtrtrtrtrtrrrrodododdoododoo ucuccucucininininininngggggggggg ththththhhhhthemememememmem ttto ooo o thththththhhee e e eee otototothehehehehehehheer r r r introducing them to the other papapapapap sssssssssss enenenennengegegegeg rsrsrss. . InInInInIInI EEEEEEdidididididiiiidinbnbnbnbnbbnbbn urururururuuu ghghghghghhghhg iiiit t t ttt isisisisii passengers. In Edinburgh it is ccococccooonsnssnsnsnsnnnnnnnnn idididdderererrrededededddeddd vvvvvverererererery y y yyy rururururrrur dededededededeeee ttttttooooo igigigigiggnononononononon rererere considered very rude to ignore ststssssttss rararrraaaaaaaaaaangngngngnn ererererrrrers s sss ononononononononoooooonn ttttttrararaarararararaaaaininininninni s.s.s.. strangers on trains.
2222.2.22.22.2.2 IIfIfIIfIfIIIfIf ttttttttheheheheehe ggggggrororororororoorr unununnununnundddddddddddd ooofofofofofofffo ttttthehehehehehehe pppppplalalalal tftftftftffftfffororororoo m m mmmmmm mmm 2. If the ground of the platform isisisisii nnnnnnnnotototototottt cccccccleleleleleeleeeanannannn,, thththththhthht rrorororororor w w wwww w dodododoodod wnwnwnwnwnwnwnnnn yyyyyyyouoououoouuuurr r r rr is not clean, throw down your jajajajajackkckckckckckckcketeteteetett ttttto oo oooo prprprprprp otootototoo ececececece tttttt yoyoyoyoy urururrururr fffffeleleleele lolololow wwwww w jacket to protect your fellow trtrtrtrravavavavaavvelelelelellleleleelelel rsrsrsrssrs’’’’ shshshshshhhshshoeoeoeoeooooes.s.s travellers’ shoes.
3.3.3.3.3.33.3 RReReReReReRRR ciciciciciciciiiccccc teteteteteteteteee aaaaaaaaaann n n EdEEEdEdddEEEEEdEdE wawawawwww rdrdrdrdddrrr LLLLLLeaeaeeee r rrr rr popopopopopoppopopp emememem 3. Recite an Edward Lear poem atatatattttatataat eeeeeeeevevevvevevev ryryryryryyryry ssssssstototototootoopppppppppppppp thththththhhatatatattaa hhhhhhhhasasasasasasasss aaaaaaaaaaaaa VVVVVVVVVVV iiiiin nnnnn ititititittt.... at every stop that has a V in it. 4.4.444 OnOnOnOnOnnlylylylyly mmmmmakakakakakakkee ee thththhhe e eeeeeeee cacacaccaac rrrrrrrrrrr iaiaiaiaaaaaiaiaiaaaggggggegegeggggegggegg ssssssinininininng g g gg g a aa a a 4. Only make the carriage sing a GiGiGGiGilblblblbblblbberererrerrrrrrtttt &&& & &&&&& SuSuSuSuSuSuSuSuSuSuulllllllllll ivivivivivvanananaanan ssssssssonononononoooonong g g ggg ififififififfffff ttttttttttheheheheehehehehehhhhhhhhhheey y y yy y Gilbert & Sullivan song if they arararararra eeeeee ininininnnnnn tttttttthehehehehehehehhhhhhheheehehh rrrrrrrigigigigigigigigigghthhthththththhtht mmmmmmmmooooooooooooooooooood.d.d.dd.dd.d.ddd are in the right mood.
5.5.55.5. IfIfIffffIfffIf sssssssssomomomomomommomomomommommomeoeoeoeoeoeoeoooeoeonnnenenennenne 5. If someone
iiiis s sssss is eating eaeaeaeaaaaaeaaaaatitiititittitittitt ngngngngngngg fffffffffriririiiriririiededededdededd fried chchchchhhhchhcchhcchhhhhchhhhhhhiciciciicciccciicicici kekekekekekkkekekekekkekeekkk n n n n n nn nnnnnn onononononononnononnonoooo tttttheheheheheheeeheeee bbbbbbbbbbusussusususususuuus,,,,,, oooooffofooooofooooo fefefefefeer r rr ththththemememmemmmmememmemmmmemmmm chicken on the bus, offer them a a aa a a piiiipipipipippipiipp ccncncncncncnncncnicicicicicicc hhhhhamamamamammampepepepepeperrr ananananana d d ddddddd eseseseseescocococococ rtrtrttrtt a picnic hamper and escort thththththhhemememememmmm tttttttooooo thththththt eeeeeee nenenenenenn arararararresesesesese t t t t tt grgrgrgrgreeeeeeeeeeeeen.n.n.n.n them to the nearest green.
isisisisii oooooonlnlnlnln y y y yyy is only 6.66.6.66 PrPrPrPrPrPrP acacacacaa tititiit cicicicic nggngngngg yyyyyououououuouo r rrrr alalalallalpipipipipinnenenenenene hhhhhororoooorrooo n nnnnnn 6. Practicing your alpine horn acacacacacccececececec ptptptptptababababbablelelelelele plplplplppplayayayyaya inininiinning g g gg playing acceptable dududududududddduduririririririringngngngng nnnnnnonononononon-p-p-p-p-pppeaeaeaaeaeaaaak kk kk k hohohohohohohoooururururururuurururururrrss s sss s (s(s(s(s(s(s(sssspypypypypypyyinininininnng g gg g g during non-peak hours (spying isisisisisisi nnnnnnototootototott aaaaaacccccccccccccepepeppepeeeeptatatatatatablblblbblblblle e ee dududududududd riririririiingngngngngnggg nnnnnnnnonononoononn--- is not acceptable during non- pepepepepepp ekekekekekk hhhhhhouououuuouursrsrsrsrsss).).))).).)))). peek hours).
7.7.7.77.7. IfIfIfIfIfIfIff ttttthehehehehheheehee mmmmmusususususu icicicicicic fffffrorororoorom m mmmmm m yoyoyoyooouruururururu nnnnnnnnnnneieieieieeieieie ghghghghghghhgh-- 7. If the music from your neigh- lelelelee tttto o oo o bobobobobooourururuurururururs’s’s’s’s’’’’’’s hhhhhhheeaeaeaeaeadpdpdpdpdpdphohohohohohhonenenenenessss isisisisss aaaaudududududibibibibibbi bours’ headphones is audible to yoyoyoyoyooyyou,u,u,u,u, tttthehehehehehehhhh y y y y y y mumumummumuum ststststs ppppppayayayayayayyy aaaaaa rrrrroyoyoyoyoyoyoyyalalalalaa tytytyytytyty tttttoo o o oo you, they must pay a royalty to ththththththeeeeee mumumuumumusisisissisicicicicicicicc anananannaan ffffffffororoorororor pppppububububblililiilic c cc c pepepepepepep rfrfrfrfrfororororrorr---- the musician for public perfor- mamamamaamancncnccnce.e.e.e.e. SSSSimimimiimmmmmmmmmplplplplpllplplplplplpllppplp yy y y yyy tatatatataaat pppppp thththhthhememememmemmm ooooooooon nnnnn thththththt ee e ee mance. Simply tap them on the shshshhshhhhhhhououououuuouo ldldldldlddderererrrer aaaandndndndndddd ppppppppoloololoololititititi elelelelelelely y yyyyy asasasasasasaaskk k kkkkk fofofofforr rrr a aaaaa shoulder and politely ask for a flaflaflaflaflaflflafl ttttt fefefefefefeeeeeeeeee ofofofoffff ££££££20202020202 0.0.0.0.0.53535353353... flat fee of £200.53.
EDINBURGH BUSES AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE ‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘TTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO BBBBBBBBBBBBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG’’’’’’ ARE ‘TOO BORING’
rrrrrrrreveveveveveveveveve eaeeaeaeaaeaaeeeee lslslslslsslsls reveals
ReReReReReReRReRRR cecececececeeeentntntntntntt rrrrrrreseeeseseseseaeaeaaeaaearcrcrcrcrccrch h h hhh hh bybybybybybb ttttthehehhehehe MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM STSTSTSTTTTSTTSTST’S’S’S’S’S’S’SSSSSS Recent research by the MMST’S MIMIMIMIMIM NINININININNNN STSTSTSTSTSTTTTERERERERERERERR OOOOOFFFFF WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWHIHIHIHIHHH MSMSMSMSMMSMSMSMSMSMSMSICICICICICICCICICICI ALALALAAALAALALALALALALALAAA MINISTER OF WHIMSICAL OMOMOMOMMMOMMNININININNINNNIBUBUBUBUBBUUUUUS S SSSSSS STSTSTSTTTTTUDUDUDUDUDUDUDUUDUDIEIEIEIEIEIEEIESSSSS ((((WOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWWOOSSSSSSSSSSS),),),),),)),),,), SSSS OMNIBUS STUDIES (WOS), LaLaLaLaLaLaLaLaLaslslslslsssssss o ooo o PePePePePePertrtrtrrtr inininininninnnnnwiwiwiwwiww g,g,g,g,g,ggg tttttthahahahahahahahah t ttttt t Laslo Pertinwig, that EdEdEddEdEddEEEdE ininininininii bubububububububuuubuurrrgrgrgrgghhhhh bubuubububuubuusesesesesesessesss ararararrrrrre e eeeeeeeee tototototototott ooooo efefefefeffeffeffficficficficfificfificficcficfifi ieieieieieeiieeieientntntntnttntnnt Edinburgh buses are too efficient ananananananananannddddddd tototototot o o oo ‘b‘b‘b‘b‘b‘bbbbbborororororoo inininininininng’g’g’g’g’ggggg . . . PePePePePePePPePPPP rtrtrtrtrtrtrtrtininininininininininwiwwiwiwwiwiwiwiiw g g ggg g g ggg nonnononononononooononoooteteteteteteteteteed d d ddddd and too ‘boring’. Pertinwig noted ‘.‘.‘‘..‘....ttt.t.tttthehehehhehehehehehehe dedededededededdededdd cococococococorararararraaatititititititiionononononononononon’’’ iiiiiiiiinenenenneennnn lololoooooloquququuuuuquuuuuq enenenenneeneentt ttt t t ‘..the ineloquent decoration’ anananananananannndddddddddd ‘d‘d‘d‘dd‘dd‘d‘ddisiiiiisisiisisisssistitittititincncncncnn t t t ttt tt laalalalalalll ckckckckckckkckkck oooooof f f f ffff cucucucucuucucuuuucucucucucuccccucuc mbmbmbmbmmbbbbbbererererererrerrrrs’ss’s’s’s’s’s’s and ‘distinct lack of cucumbers’ acaccacacaaaa rororororororrororoooosssssssssssssss EEEEEEEEEEEdidididid nbnbnbnbbnbnbnnbnn urururururururrruururghghghghghghghgh’s’s’s’s’’’s flflflflflfleeeeeeeeeeeee ttttttttttt ofofofofofofofofoffof bbbbbbbbbbususususususususussseseseseseseseesesesesessse .. . . . . across Edinburgh’s fleet of buses. HeHeHeHeHeHHee wwwwwwenenenenenene t t t t onononoonoono tttttooo dededdededdedededeeescscscscscscscririririiriririr bebebebebbebebb ---- ‘‘‘‘‘anananananananaann He went on to describe - ‘an ememememmmemmememmphphpphphphphphphpp asasasaasaasasa isisisisiisisisisis ooooooon n nn spspspspspppspeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed d d ddddddd ananananananannaaaa d d dddddddd prprprprprrprrrpracacacacaccctitititititititit cacacacaacacacalililililililiilililiiittytytytytytytyyyy emphasis on speed and practicality ovovovooovovovovo ererereer isiiisississisiiiss ttttttttthahahahahahahahahaaaaat t t t tt t tt over leisure and style that is lelelelelelelllllleavavavavavvvvvvinininniininininii g g g g g g ggg EdEdEdEdEdEdEdEEdEdEEEEEEE iinininininbububububububububurgrgrgrgrgggerereree s sssssss tototototootototooototooo boboboboboboboboboborerrrererererred d d dd d dd leaving Edinburgers bored to tetetetetett ararararrrssssssss.’.’’.’’.’.. ananananananananndd dd dd d d d asasasaaskekekekkekeekeed dddd d dddd ----- ‘i‘i‘iiiisnsnsnsnsnsnsnnsnn’t’t’t’t’t’t’t’t iiiiiiiiiiiiit t t t tttt abababababababababououououououuo t tt tttt tt tears.’ and asked - ‘isn’t it about tititititit memememememe wwwwwwwwwee eee hahahahahahadd d d dd a a aaa bububububububb s s ssss ssss lololololollll adadadadddadddadaddededdedededd wwwwwwwwititititii h h hhh h hh hhh time we had a bus loaded with nonnnononoonsnsnsnnnsenenenennnene sisisisiicacacacacac l l ll dididididid stststststrarararaaaaaraaaaactctctctcc ioioioioionsnsnsns --- wwwwwwwititititititiiith h h h hhhh nonsensical distractions - with a a aaa grgrgrgrgrg eaeaeaae tetetettetettteer rr r rrr sessesesesesensnsnssseee ofofofoffof rrrromomommomomomananananananncecececeececee aaaandndndndnddnddddd a greater sense of romance and mymymymmymymyystststttststererererry?y?y?y??y?’’’’ mystery?’ lllllllleieieieiieiee sususususus rerererere aaaaandndnddddndndndn
ssssssstytytytytytytytyyleleleleleleelelelelee
surprises, and treats that prove I sususuuuusuurprprprprprprprprprppppririririririririrr seseseseseseses s,s,ss,s,s,s,s,,,, aaaaaaaandndndndndndnddndndndn IIIIIII am valued.’ amamamamamam vvvvvvvvalaaalalalallalalllalla ueueueueueueuueuuuuueuuuu d.d.d.d.dd.d.dd.dddddd ’’’’’’ tttttttttttttttttttttrerererereerereererererererrerer ataaatatatatatattts s sss sss ththhthththhhthatatatatatataaa ppppppppprorororororoorrr vevevevevevveevev
totototottotott gegegegegegegeegegeththththththhthhererererererreree Pertinwig has put together a PePePePePePePePePePePePePP rtrtrtrttttrtrttrtininiinininininininnininninwiwiwiwiwiwwiwwiwiwiwiwiwiwww ggg g g g g gg ggg g hahahahahahahahahahahhahhhh s ssss sssss pupupupupupupuupupuuuuuuuuuuuputt tt t t ttttt ttttt aaaaaa ‘team of egg-heads and plea- ‘t‘t‘t‘t‘t‘tttttttttttteaeaeaeaaeaeaeaeaeaaeammmmmm m m m m mmmmmmmm ofofofofofoffofofffo eeeeeeeegggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg -h-h-h-h-h-h-h-hhh-h-h-heaeaeaeaeaeaeaeeaeeadsdsdsdsdsdsdsdddddsds aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaandndndndndddndndndnddnnndnn pppppppppppplelelelellelleeaaaaaa----- sure-seekers’ in an attempt to ssususususuusussuurerereeeereeeeee---s-s-s-s-s-s-ssssssssseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee kekekekekekekekekekkeeeersrsrsrsrsrsrsssssssr ’’’’’’’’ ininininnnininininiiniiiii aaaaaaaaaan n n n nn nnn atatatatatatatatataattetetetetetetetettttt mpmpmpmpmpmpmppmppmpmpmpmpt t t t t tt totototototot solve the crisis. Many observers are sososososossoolvlvlvlvlvlvlvlvvee e e e eee ththththththththththhhththhhheee e e e e eeee crcrcrcrccrcrcrcrcrcrcrcrcrrcrc isisisisissisisiisiii isisisisisiisisisisisisississ. . .. . . .. MaMaMaMaMaMaMaMaMaMaMManynynynynynyyyynynynynynyy ooooooooooobsbsbsbsbsbsbsbsbsbbbssererererererereerrererrvevevevevevevevveveveveveveversrsrsrrrsrrsrsrs aaaaarerererereerrr expecting an announcement from exexexexexexexexexexxexxpepepepepepepepepeppepeppppppppp ctctctctctctctctctctctctctccctctttccc ininininininininininininiiininiinngg g gg g gg gg anananananananananananannannananananan aaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnououououououououuouooooo ncncncncncncncncnnncncccememememememememememe eneneneneneenenenennnenntt tt t tttt ttt frfrfrfrfrfrfrff omomomomomommom WOS within the next few weeks. WOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWWOWOWWWW SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwitititititiititititi hihihihihihihihihhiihhiiiiinn nn n n n n n thththththththhthheeeeeee neneneneneneneneneneeneeeeen xtxtxxtxtxtxtxxxt fffffffffffewewewewewewewwwweww wwwwwwwwwwweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeekskskskskskkskskk . . . . .
SSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
CUCUMBER FACT
MaMaMaMaMaMM nynynynyny SCSCSCSCSCCS OTOTOTOTOTOTOTOTO SSSSSSSSS wwwwwwwwwwwwwwhohhohhohohohoo uuuuuuuseseseee Many SCOTS who use mummumumuultltltltltltl ipipiipipipiipi lelelelele ddddddddddaiaiaiaiiilylylylylylyyy bbbbbbbususususussseseseseseees aaaaaaaaaagrgrgrgrrrgrgrrreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee wwwwwwitititititth h hhhhh multiple daily buses agree with PePePePePePPP rtrtrtrtttinininininnnwiwiwiwiwwiwiwwig.g.g.g.gg.. DDDDDDDouououuouuuo gagagagagagallllllllll MMMMMMcDcDcDcDDcDcDc ouououuououugagagagagaag llllllllllllll, , , Pertinwig. Dougall McDougall, whwhwhwhhhhwhhwwhhhhhhoooo mamamamammmm kkekekekekekesssssss fofofofofofffffffffff urururrrururr bbbbbbusuuusussssus jjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjouououoouuournrnrnrnrrnneyeyeyeyeyeyeys ss s who makes four bus journeys every day, was enthusiastically evevevevevverererrererry y yyy y y ddadadaddad y,y,y,y,y,y,yyy wwwwwwasasasasasss eeeeentntntnttntthuhuhuhuhhuhuhuh sisisisiisiasasasasassa tititititiit cacacaccacalllllllllllllllllly y y y yyy in favour of a new service- inininininn ffffffaaavavavavva ouououououuour r rr ofofofofofofof aaaaa nnnnnnnewewewwwewewew sssserereree vivivivivvviicecececeeece----- ‘Just because it’s every day - must ‘‘‘‘JuJuJuJuJuJuJJuJJ ststststsss bbbbbececececececccauauauauauauseseesese iiiiiit’t’t’t’t’’t’tttttttt s sss evevevevevve ererereerry y y yy yyy ddadadadaddadadayyyyyyyy ---- mumumummummumustststststsss ‘‘‘‘ it be everyday? I spend thousands itititititit bbbbbe ee e ee evevevevevererereererrrydydydydydydydayayayaayayayayy? ?? ????? I I I III spspspspspspspenenenenene d dd d ddd ththththhthhouoououuouuuusasasasaasassandndndndndndnndds s ssss of hours of my life travelling and ofofofofofof hhhhhhououououoursrsrsrsrsrs ooooof f f f f fff mymymymymymym lllllififififffffeeeeeee trtrtrtrttrtravavavavavavellelelelellilililiillingngngngngngggngg aaaaaandndndndndddndd I long for pleasant and ridiculous I I I I II lololollololongngngngngngnng fffffffforororororor pppppppleleleleleeleeleasasasasasassananananna t tttt anananannd d d dddd ririririririididididicucucucuucc lololololololloususususuus ThThThThThTTTTT e e e e PaPPaPaPaPPPPPaaciciciciciciiciciciciciciciciiciiciciiiciiiiciiiiiiiiificficficficficfififi ‘p‘p‘p‘p‘p‘p‘ppppololololollllle e e e e ofofoffofofffofofff iiiiiiiinananananananananaccccccccccc esesesesese sisisisisiisisibbbibibibibibbililililitytytytytytytyty’’’ isisisisis The Pacific ‘pole of inaccessibility’ is ththththhthhhe e e e eeee popopopopopoppopopoppopp inininininiii t ttt t fafafafafafartrtrtrrtrthehehehhehehehh stststststtt fffffrororororoom mmm mm m anananananny y y yy yyyy lalalalalalll ndndndndndd (i(i(i(i(i(i( tt t tt t the point farthest from any land (it isisisisisis aaaaaaappppppppppppppprororororr xixixixixiimamamamamamamamamaaatetetetetettetttetet lylylylyly 111111,6,6,6,6,66, 7070707070000 mmmmmmmmmililililiiili esesesesese ffrfrfrfffrfrfffrf omomomomomoomo ttttererererrarararaaa is approximately 1,670 miles from terra firfirfirfirfirfirmamamammama))))))). .. .. ItItItItItItII iiiiiiiisssss alalalalallalalallsosososososososo ooooooftftftftftftftenenenenenenene ttttthhheheheeehe ffffffuurururururururuurururrthththththhthhthesesesesese ttt t t t popopopopopopopoopopopopppoiininininiinint t tttt firma). It is also often the furthest point on Earth from a CUCUMBER; onononononnn EEEEEEEararararara thththththhhhhh ffffffrororororororor m mm m m m a a aa CUCUCUCUCUCUUUCUCUCUCUCUCUCUCUUUC MBMBMBMBMBMBMBMM EREREREEREREREERR; ;; ;;;; the occasional British ship carrying ththththhhthtthe eeee ocococoococccacacacaacasisisisisiononononono alalaalalalaalaal BBBBBBririrriririrr titititititishshshshshh ssssshihihihihihihhhhhh p p p p pppp cacacacacacaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrryiyiyiyiyyyiyiyy ngngngngngnggg SANDWICHES CUCUMBER CUCUCUCUCUCCCCCC CUCUCUCUCUUUMBMBMBMBMBMBMBERERERERERERERRRRER SSSSSSSSSSANANANANANANA DWDWDWDWDWDWDWDDWDDWDWDWWWWICICCICICICICICCHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEEHEHESSSSSSSSSSSSS breaks this isolation. brbrbrbrbreaeaeaeaeae kskskskkkkskkkk tttthihihihiih s s s isisisissssololololololatatatatatataaaa ioioioioioiioooooooon.n.n.nnnn
Is your journey suffering IIIIIIs ss ss yoyoyoyoyooyourururuururr jjjjjjjjjouououououournrnrnrnnnr eyeyeyeyeyeyy sssssufufufuffuffefefefefefeririririiriingngngngnggn from a lack of cucumber? frfrfrfrfrff omomomomomom aaaa lllllllacacacaccck k k k k k ofofofofofoff ccccccucucucucucucumumumummumumbebebebebbb r?r?r?r?r?r? DON’T DELAY, TWEET DODODODODOON’N’N’N’N’N’N TTTTTTT DEDEDEDEDEDEEELALALALAALLL Y,Y,Y,Y,YY, TWTWTWTWTWTWTWEEEEEEEEEEEEET T T TTTTTTTTT
@H@H@H@H@HH@@Heneneneneeennendrdrdrdricicicicicicii ksksksksksk gigigigggig nUnUnUnUnUnUUUUUK K K K K @HendricksginUK #H#H#H#H#H#HHH#Henenenenenndrdrdrdrdrdricicicicicickskskskkksk MiMiMiMMiMiM ninininininiststststststryryryryryryryy #HendricksMinistry
to make your journey totototototoo mmmmmmakakakake e ee yoyoyoyoy urururururr jjjjjjjjououououooooo rnrnrnnnrneyeyeyeyy more cucumberous. momomomomomorererereee cccccccucucucucucucumumumumumummmu bebebeberorororororoususususuu ...
CUCUMBER FACT
British Prime Minister, WINSTON BrBrBrBrBrBrB itititittisisissisish h hh h h PrPrPrPrPrPrrrimimimimimimmmeeeee MiMiMiMiMiMM nininiininiistststtterererrer, ,, , WIWIIWIWIIWWIWW NSNSNSNSNSNSNNNNSN TOTOTOTOTOT N N NN N CHCHCHCHCHCHCHHHHHURURURURURURURCHCHCHCHCHCHCHCHHCHILILILILILILLLLL,L,L,L,LL,L, wwwwasasasasaa nnnnnnnnnnnotototooototoooooooooooooo aaaaaaaaaaaaaabblbblblblblllee e eee totototott CHURCHILL, was not able to ththththththththhhrorroroororoooow w wwwwwww aa a aaa CUCUCUCUUCUCUCUCUCC CUCUCUCUUCUUUMBMBMBMBMBMBMBERERERERERERRERRERER aaaaaaaaa ddddisisisissistatatatancncncncncn e ee eeee ofofofoff throw a CUCUMBER a distance of hahahahahahhahahalflflfflfllf aaaaaa mmmmmmmillililililille.e.eeee.e.e.e.LLLLLLikikikikikikikkewewewewewweweeewwisisisisisiise,e,e,e,e,, JOJOJOJOJOJOJOOOHNHNHNHNHNHNNN MMMMMMMMMAJAJAJAJAA OROROROROROROORO half a mile. Likewise, JOHN MAJOR cacacacannnnnnnnn ototototot eeeatatataa fifififififtftftftftftfty yy y yyy CUCUCUCUCCUCUUCUCUCCUCUCUCUCC MBMBMBMBBBM ERERERERRERRRSSSSSSSSSS iiiinn nn nn cannot eat fifty CUCUMBERS in ononononne e eee sisisisiisisitttttttttttttinininininnnni g.g.g.g.gg.g.gg one sitting. RRRRRR
8 HIGH QUALITY QQQQQQQQQQQQQQUUUUUUUUUUAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTTYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY REASONS TO LIE
1. Because someone that size is like- 1.1.1.1.1. BeBeBeBeBeBecacacacacacausususususuuseeeeeeee sosososososossossomememememememeem onononononononnee ee ee thththtththhatatatatatatat ssssssizizizizizize e e eee isisisisis llllikikikkikikikikeeee--- lylylylylyly tttttttooooooooo rererererereacacacacacacact t t t vivivivivv olololoololoo enenenenennntltltltltlltlt y.y.y.y.yyy.y ly to react violently.
2.2.2.2.2 BeBeBeBeBeBeBecacacacacacaaaususususususuuuu eeeeeeee ifififfififi yyyyyyouououoououuuuuu dddddddo ooo oo nononononononn t t t t ttt lololololoocacacacacacatetetetetett aaaaandndndndndnn 2. Because if you do not locate and tttttthehheheeeh rererereeeeeecococococoococccc vevevevevevever r rrrrr recover the precious stones, the kidnappers will certainly not re- kikikikikikikikikk dndndndnddndnddnnnapapapapapapapppepepepeppppp rsrsrsrsrr wwwwwwwilililililililll l l cececececececeeecc rtrtrttttrtrtrrr aiaiaiaainlnlnlnlnlnnly y y yyy nonononoonot t ttt t rerererere----- leleleleleleelllllelleasasasaaasasa e e e eeee yoyoyoyyoyoyoyy urururururr pppppeeteeteteee eeeeermrmrmrrmmmminininininii e.e.e.eee. lease your pet ermine. thththththththe e e e prprprprprprprececececececciioioioioioooousususussussus
ssssssssstototootototoonenenen s,s,ss,s,s,s,s
3.3.3.3.3.33 BeBeBeBeBecacacacacacacc usususususuususussuseeeeeee yoyyoyoyoyoyooyooyy u uu u u u arararararare e eee a aa a a rararararrarrrr thththhththhhhhheeerererr fafafafafafaff bububububuubuulololololloousususuuu 3. Because you are a rather fabulous storyteller, and frequent lying lylylylylyyylyininininiini gg g g g gg stststttstororororoorrrro ytytytytytyy elelelelelellleleleleleleleleleer,r,r,r,rr, aaaaaandndndndndndnd fffffffrerererer quququququuquenenenennenene t t t t onononononnnonnnnnnonlylylylylylyyyy hhhhhhhhhhhheleleeleleelpspspspspppspsps ttttto o o o oo imimimimimimimmmmprprprprprp ovovovvoveeeee yoyoyoyoyoyyoyoy ururuururuuruuu cccccrarararaaftftftftffft... only helps to improve your craft. 4444.4.444.44 BeBeBBeBeBeBeBBB cacaacaacacacccc usususussusu eeeeeeeee nonnonononononnott t ttt evevevevevevverererererereeryoyoyoyoyooyoooyoyoy nenenenenenenee sssssshahahahhahaarererererr sssssss yoyoyoyoyy uruurururrru 4. Because not everyone shares your
taste in facial hair. tatataataataatastststtstststts eeee ee e ee iniiininininn fffffffacacacacaacciaiaiaiaiaiaiiai l ll l l hahahahahahaahahaairiririiriririririr....
5. Because the third day of hiking 5.5.5.55.55.55555555 BeBeBeBeBeBeBeB cacacaccaacc usususususususeeeeeeee ththththhhthththhhhhhhtheeee e e eeee ththththththhhhiiiriiririririrrrrrrrrrrrdddd d d d d dddddd dadadadadadaaday y y y yyy ofofofofofofof hhhhhhikikikikkkkkinininininni g g g g g MoMoMoMoMoMMM unununununntt t ttt EvEvEvEvEvEvEvvvererererrere esesesesesesttttt iiiiiiis s ss sss nenenenenenn ititititititttheheheheheeheh r rrr r thththththeeeeeee titititititiiit memememememmemmm Mount Everest is neither the time nor the place for honesty. nononononon r r r r r thththththhtheeeeeee plplplplpplpllllacacacacacacce ee ee fofofofofoff r r rrrr hohohohohohohonenenenenenen stststs y.y.yy.yy.y.yyy. tttt
6. Because you’ve already lost the 6.66.6.6.6.6 BBeBeBeBeBecacacac usussusususeeeeee yoyoyoyoyoyoooy u’u’u’u’u’u’vevevevevevev aaaaaaaalrlrlrlrlrlreaeaeaaeaeeadydydydydyyddy llllosososoosososssssstt tt t t thththththheeeeee
one ear. onononnonneeee eaeaeaeaear.r.rrr.rrr 7. Because 7.7.7.7.7.7777777 BBBeBeBeBeBeBeBBBB cacacacacaaususususseeeeee the WEDDING is ththththt ee e ee WEWEWEWEWWEEEWW DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD INININININNNGGGGGG iiiiiisssss
tomorrow, for heaven’s sake. totototototomomomomomomoooooorrrrrrrrrrrrr owowowwowow, , , fofofofoor r r r heheheheheheheeheh avavavavavavenenenennennnn’s’s’s’s’s sssssakkakakakakake.ee.e.e.e. 8.8.8.8888 BeBeBeBeBeBeB cacacacaccaauusususuususuuuseeeeee bbbbebebebbbb inininininingg g g g inininininin aaaaa bbbbbbbododododoody yy y y y y cacacacacaaaaststststtststststss iiiiiisss 8. Because being in a body cast is
dididididiffifffiffifffiffifficucucucuccucultltltltl eeeeeeenonononooon ugugugugugugu h.h.h.h.h difficult enough.
@ H e n d r i c k s g i n U K @ H e@ H e@ H e@ H e@ H e@ H e@ H@@@ n d rn d rn d rn d rn d rr i c ki c ki c ki c ki c ki c kkc kc kc k s g i s g ig i nnnnn Un U Kn U KU KUU KU Knn Unnnnn s g i s g i s g i s gs g i s g i s g i
Please enjoy the unusual responsibly Hendrick’s Gin, 41.4% abv © 2016 Bottled by William Grant & Sons LTD, Glasgow, Scotland PlePlePlePlPleP aseaaseaseas eneneneneenjoyjoyjoyjoyjoy ththhthththt e uee ue ue ue nusnusnusnusu ualualualaluallual rererereresposposposposposponsinsinsinsinsinsiblyblyblyblybblbly HeHeHeHHHeendrndrndrdndrickickicki ’s ’s ’ss GinGinGinGinGG , 4, 4, 4, 44441.41.41.41 411 % a% a% a%% a% abv bv bv bbv © 2© 2© 2©© 220160160166016 BBBBottottottottlededededledleddde bybybybybyyy WiWiWiWiWW llillillilliiil amam am am am mmmm GraGraGraGrant ntnt nt nt tt & S& S&& S& SSonsonsonsnssnsonsons LTDLTDLTDDDDLLTDLT , G, G, G, GGGGGlaslaslaslaslaslasl gowgowgowgowgow, S, S, SSSccotcotcototcotttotttttttlanlanlanlanlllllll dddddd DDDDD
T H E U N U S UA L T I M E S T H ET H ET H ET H ET H EHHT H E U NU NU NU NU NN U S UU S UU S UU S US US UUU S UUA L A L A L A L A LLA T I MT I MT I MT I MT I MT I M E SE SE SE SEEE