list.co.uk/comedy GLASGOW ROAST | COMEDY
ROAST OF GLASGOW
The test of a confident institution is its ability to laugh at itself. As Glasgow opens its doors in March to welcome a host of comedians, we ask four Scottish stand-ups to tear the city a new one in the comedy roast style
P H O T O
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T R U D Y S T A D E
P H O T O
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S T E V E U L L A T H O R N E
MARK NELSON
NATALIE SWEENEY
CHRISTOPHER MACARTHUR-BOYD ASHLEY STORRIE
I’m not saying Glasgow is violent but Taggart was a documentary. Glasgow is a city of culture; and by that I mean most of the women have a yeast infection. Glaswegians drink so much that the second most common blood type is vodka. Welcome to Glasgow: the place that proves arsonists hate art. Glaswegians were clever about building a cinema as one of their tallest buildings; the only time Glaswegians will climb stairs is when they’re guaranteed a seat for two hours.
Glasgow is not an athletic place; When the new Jungle Book film
its idea of cross fit is when you chase someone for calling you a cunt / bawbag. Glasgow is famously divided
down the middle: between people that hate Edinburgh and people that really hate Edinburgh. n Mark Nelson: Brexit Wounds, The Stand, Glasgow, Thu 14 & Fri 15 Mar.
came out, Glaswegians thought it was all a Scottish Government campaign and that the bairn necessities was just promotion for Nicola Sturgeon’s new baby boxes. n Natalie Sweeney is part of 3 Men and a Tall Lady, Iron Horse Pub, Glasgow, Sat 23 Mar.
I grew up in Glasgow, and I’ve spent about 97% of my life living here, so it’s hard to have any degree of civic pride when almost everything bad that’s ever happened to me took place in this dear green place. ‘People Make Glasgow’! Aye, people make Glasgow unbearable. Tell ‘People Make Glasgow’ to the junkie who abducted me on the day of my high-school ball. Though, to be fair, the transport links are dyno and there are some good places to eat. n Christopher Macarthur-Boyd: work-in-progress, State Bar, Glasgow, Sat 23 Mar; Home Sweet Home, The Stand, Glasgow, Sat 30 Mar.
We would have a yellow vest revolution but it’d be hard to tell the difference between protesters and the weird guys that wear high vis from home and pretend to run the taxi rank queue. Even though nobody’s hired them. Visitors to Glasgow need to
know that a fruit machine does not sell fruit, and that a puggy isn’t actually a small dog with breathing problems. They say Glasgow is a melting pot, but unless the melting point of humans is two degrees celsius, they’re talking shite. n Ashley Storrie: Hysterical, The Stand, Glasgow, Fri 22 Mar.
1 Feb–31 Mar 2019 THE LIST 59