GRAPHIC CONTENT

What we’ve been talking about It’s nearly time for the 2017 edition of the Eating & Drinking Guide (out Wed 19 Apr, see page 52 for more details). So we thought we’d consider the good, the bad and the ugly of dining out. From dangerous pizza toppings to mite-riddled dogs, we’ve generously allowed the guilty parties to remain nameless. . .

A tea room in Pitlochry was an actual black hole.

Time slowed down as you entered, and slowed down further the longer you waited for the food.

When it came, you passed through the event horizon

and entered a parallel universe because it

bore no resemblance to its descriptions on the menu, and was clearly

intended for a non-human

metabolism.

In Thailand, a lady chopped up a full chicken (feet and

all) and threw it into a curry dish for me as breakfast. If that

wasn’t killing my appetite, under the table was a scabby

dog riddled with

mites. I gave it to the dog and bolted.

A small, not very posh bistro in Paris with my

wife: boudin noir and the best côte de bœuf I’ve

ever had.

When I discovered Madrid’s best Chinese

takeaway, literally smack bang in the centre of town in an underground car park near Temple Debod. Showed me that you can’t always judge a place by its exterior. The dumplings were

incredible though best enjoyed outside as

the rubber and petrol smells surrounding did

tend to linger.

The meal I had in a Surrey The bizarre behaviour of

pizza place many, many years ago was quite memorable as my mum’s pizza had a new

topping: broken glass from an oven that had exploded. She was given free booze for the

rest of the night which seemed

to make up for it.

the manager of a hotel in Torquay. Having put his fingers through a

massive cake, we could later hear the screams of pain from one of his poor

unfortunate waiters in the kitchen. It may have been the 1970s but that was no way to treat your

European staff.

WORST

I once went to a

restaurant in Ayr that used whole peppercorns as a garnish on ALL the dishes that we received.

It was terrible.

The first time I tried

lobster which was on a beach in Thailand in Kao Samui. Really tricky to

eat, but that teamed with the sea and the stars . . .

it was epic.

BEST

A restaurant in Bath where literally nothing

went right: waiting on food, things not arriving, getting

ignored. It must have been bad luck, but it did put a sour note on a cream tea when you’re sitting about

like a lemon.

I went to a fancy

restaurant with friends

on my last night in Copenhagen, ordering

a nice (but cheap) bottle of wine to go

with our meal. A waiter

apologised for not having our wine of

choice, instead bringing a ‘similar tasting’ bottle. Halfway through our incredible meal, we

realised that the wine was amazingly good . . .

too good (there were

bottles on the menu that were over £200!). When

the bill finally came, the restaurant had just charged us for the original bottle . . . Also, the restaurant had neon

jellyfish tanks.

The actual existence of a vegetarian In Peru in a lovely, small

Chinese buffet in Malmö seemed

too good to be true. The fact that it was beyond delicious and

reasonably inexpensive is a memory

I’ll take to the grave.

restaurant. The owner took us out to this fishing boat to choose our own crabs! It was very intimate and traditional and the crab tasted amazing.

2 THE LIST 1 Apr–31 May 2017

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