Glasgow’s street philosopher gives us some insight into his life in the modern world of YouTube, tofu and James Blunt

First record you ever bought Bought? You didn’t buy records in my day, you liberated them at parties. To this day the intro to ‘Light My Fire’ can cause me a soiling issue through excitement. Last extravagant purchase you made A TV licence in 1973.

First movie you ever went on a date to The Thomas Crown Affair. I went with my then girlfriend Mary. Afterwards we tried to recreate the chess playing scene with beer bottle tops. The seduction was working until the conductor came upstairs and made us get up off the floor of the bus. Last great meal you cooked My wife’s father died of a heart attack in 1983. I cooked a bacon sarnie for her by way of consolation. The Lord giveth, the lard taketh away.

First crush Father McMallon. I hung around him all summer hoping to be abused. He was a good priest who only had eyes for his housekeeper.

Last time someone criticised your work Work? You appear to have mistaken me for a Rumanian fruit picker. First thing you’d do if you ran the country Declare a dictatorship and have

Catriona Shearer bear me an heir. Last time you were star struck I was accidentally vaporised by Brad Pitt in George Square. He thought I was a zombie but I’d just been for a refreshment in Bridge Street.

First song you’ll sing at karaoke ‘Beautiful’ by James Blunt. That usually clears a space to the bar. Last time you exploited your position to get something I often exploit my position as an over-loud, rancid drunk to get me an unoccupied long seat to stretch out on the subway back to Govan.

First concert you ever attended In our living room, one Saturday night in the 1950s. It was considered a great social disgrace in those days not to assault the air with a vocal rendition at a party. I squeaked out a tremulous version of ‘Begin the Beguine’ otherwise I’d have been obliged, through ignominy, to run away and sign on as a cabin boy on a tea clipper.

Last funny thing you saw online Two wee lassies from Tarfside singing ‘Glesga Nature’. If you’ve not already seen it, check it out. First object you’d save from your burning home My cherished collection of Fabergé eggs which I keep with my John Bellany painting in the boot of my Porsche Boxster. At least that’s what it

says on my home contents policy. First song at your wedding

Last book you read It was a slim volume. OK, it was a booklet: State Benefits and You.

First person you’d thank in an award acceptance speech A negative pig of a maths teacher who once told me I’d never get anywhere in life. His sneering face has long spurred me on and adorned my mental U- bend.

‘Yesterday’. First thing you think of when you wake up in the morning Did I need to go during the night?

Last thing you think of before you go to sleep Must remember to buy a scratch card. (As told to Ian Pattison, writer of Rab C Nesbitt.)

Last song at your funeral ‘The Laughing Policeman’.

A new series of Rab C Nesbitt will begin on BBC 2, Wed 5 Oct, 10pm.

WeLike The things making our world just that little bit better

To err is human. So we liked the ‘humanity’ of one particular email, sent in to The List last week from an Edinburgh PR company. ‘Waxing appointments are just one painful and embarrassing experience for any girl about town,’ it lamented. Luckily, the ‘Ladies Beauty Trimmer’ is on hand to remove unwanted hair from the eyebrows and bikini line. The press release then displayed an image of the rather grizzly James Martin Electric Knife (pictured), and evidence of a curious press campaign crossover disaster.

Personal grooming injuries aside, we’ve also been liking a digital literary journal called Algebra, run in association with Tramway. Each issue has a theme linked to one of their exhibitions, and they’ve covered ‘nudity’ and ‘the people we once were’ in the first two issues. The next instalment features short stories, poems, audio tales and non- fiction on the theme of ‘missing’. Read

more at


We have interviews with David Mackenzie, director of Perfect Sense, and Lynne Ramsay, director of We Need to Talk About Kevin (pictured) two of the most anticipated features of this autumn’s film season.

2 THE LIST 22 Sep–20 Oct 2011