{FRONT} The Wrestling HEAD-TO-HEAD
Wrestlers from the two teams – Heroes and Villains – square up against their opponents
TH E H E R O ES RUSSELL KANE TEAM MANAGER I remember when my daddy first read to me from the Holy Book. He said, ‘Son, all the answers you need are in
there’. Well daddy, God rest your soul, you were almost right. Because some of those answers lie in the ring, and the righteousness of the people will be resolved in the ring! And the evil hegemony of Adam Riches and his scourge upon the wrestling humanity will be taken down! Brendon Burns, may you BURN in hell with the indignation of Satan upon your soul! Tom ‘Explosenthal’ Rosenthal, we’re going to take you down, and your daddy [Jim Rosenthal] is going to commentate upon it! Takedown! Both physical and metaphorical! Humphrey ‘The Vinyl Solution’ Ker, I don’t even know what you do, I don’t wanna see what you do, because you’re going to get elbow dropped, right in the face! And, last but not least, the Book proclaims the demise of Rich Fulcher. Even the surname sounds like someone getting squished by the Almighty. So look out, because today is the day.
COLIN HOULT AS . . . THWOR People of Midgard! Tis I, Thwor! God of Thwunder! Thou hast heard of my legendary adventures, thou knows of my epic strength and prowess, thou may have seen my drinking a can outside Londis, shouting at people! Aye!
Some people doubt that I be a God, they say, ‘If you art Thwor why do you sound like a bloke from Leeds?’ And I say, ‘SHUT UP! I am Thwor! And I tell thee I shall smite this little posh bastard Tom “Explosenthal” Rosenthal! I’ll shall twat him with my hammer, posh bastard! I shall kick him up the arse and pull his skinny little arms off and then hit him with them. Really hard. For verily Thwor be not a mere greasy little mortal, Thwor be unto a God!’ By the way if anyone’s got a spare floor I can kip on
Thwor wouldst be most grateful.
L A V I T S E F
PATRICK MONAHAN AS . . . THE CUDDLER There are only three things I was born to do on this world: 1. Cuddle. 2. Wrestle. 3. Wait at bus stops and
cuddle! When I heard that I'd have to face my archenemy Humphrey ‘The Vinyl Solution’ Ker, I was shocked. I've never been to a car boot sale before – is that where we’re going to meet? Don’t get me wrong, I love the 70s, but like most people I got over it and bought an iPod and an Afro comb. He may have the lanky height but I have over 72 special moves. 71 of them are cuddles. Even if The Vinyl Solution has backed up his 12”s onto a hard drive, he's going down, 70s-style, like Jimmy Saville hosting the Best of Top of the Pops 1979 Christmas Special in a velour tracksuit . . . in a house fire. Bring it on! And be prepared to be cuddled to death!
18 THE LIST 11–18 Aug 2011
TH E V I L LA IN S ADAM RICHES TEAM MANAGER Kane, as with most things in life, I think Dolph Lundgren said it best, when he too squared up against a
short, fey, Mediterranean-looking soft porn star and said, ‘You vill lose.’ And you vill. Your team consists of a rapper, a retard, a wannabe demi-god and a not-gonna-be-able-to-after-he’s-been-clothes-lined stand-up. Your dad may well have read you the Good Book, but we are the Good Book, only bad and you douches don’t get past page one. Burns is gonna get all Cane Toad on your ass. Rosenthal is gonna make love to your face with his wrestling prowess. And the only thing you need to know about Ker is that he is so big, elephants wash him. So turn up, pick up your cheque and book your place facedown on the mat. Good may well descend, but after one swift double-kick from Fulcher and Ransom, balls will ascend.
TOM ROSENTHAL AS . . . EXPLOSENTHAL The Mighty Thwor was yelling out and stumbling,
And flound’ring like a man in fire or lime.
Dim, through the misty panes and thick green light, As under a green sea, I saw him drowning. In all my dreams, before my helpless sight, He plunges at me, guttering, choking, drowning. If in some smothering dreams you too could pace Behind the wagon that we flung him in, And watch the white eyes writhing in his face, The Mighty Thwor’s hanging face, like a devil’s sick of sin;
If you could hear, at every jolt, the blood Come gargling from the froth-corrupted lungs, Obscene as cancer, bitter as the cud Of vile, incurable sores on innocent tongues, My friend, you would tell with such high zest To children ardent for some desperate glory, ‘Explosenthal is a bad man. A bad man. He will mess
you up like a McDonald’s breakfast.’ (With apologies to Wilfred Owen. Read a longer version of this poem at list.co.uk/festival)
HUMPHREY KER AS . . . THE VINYL SOLUTION Was ist los Jive Turkeys? It is I, the be-bop brownshirt! The Iron Cross
boss! The cat that got the cream of Germanic youth! The Vinyl Solution! A Nazi super soldier frozen in time and re-awakened in the height of the 70s soul-funk explosion. 50 per cent Aryan Superman – 50 per cent down dirty daddio. It is time for a 45rpm Reich, ruled over by the Führer of Funk, James Brown. I am told that ‘The Cuddler’ seeks to destroy the
purity of our dream. That he believes that a man should be judged on the content of his character, not the content of his record collection. I say, ‘nein!’ For too long the tide of electro funk has dirtied the purity of soul-funk. Patrick ‘The Cuddler’ Monahan's blood is weak and his sense of rhythm is poor at best. I shall annihilate him with my patented Blitzkrieg Boogie and the Eagle Strike. The Cuddler will stare defeat in the face and weep for his baby mama.