FirstWord Simon Munnery
The surreal comic enjoys theft and referring us to previous answers, but it seems he has still to experience quite a lot
First record you ever bought Cassette! Simon and Garfunkel’s Greatest Hits. First I stole – Buddy Holly: Legend.
First movie you ever went on a date to That has yet to happen. First thing you do when you’ve got time off work That has yet to happen: I’M ALWAYS WORKING. AND SO SHOULD YOU.
Last great meal you cooked Sunday lunch. It was on a Tuesday, that’s what made it great.
First great piece of advice you were given It was probably ‘Stop!’ or ‘Don’t put that in your mouth’. Still is great advice. But a very clever and very kind man once told me that one of the hardest things in life to come to terms with is how little you can do to help other people. It took me ages to understand what it means. It helps if you go through it phrase by phrase. Get well soon Eric.
First song you’ll sing at karaoke Blind Willie McTell by Bob Dylan. Last time someone criticised your work ‘Rudimentary guitar playing does not redeem sloppy writing.’ I was delighted. My guitar playing has reached rudimentary standard at last; that’s only one step below adequate.
First concert you ever attended All the world’s a concert in my view. I’d like to have a word with the conductor.
Last time you bought someone flowers Wednesday 4 October 2010, 3.25pm. First thing you think of when you wake up in the morning The toilet.
Last thing you think of before you go to sleep The toilet. First object you’d save from your burning home The toilet. It’s made entirely of gold.
Last time you were star struck Sarah Miles. I saw her one-woman show three times. Last funny thing you saw online Clip of Kevin Eldon is Titting About at www.gofasterstripe.com
Last meal on earth – what would it be? If I had a choice? Just get on with it, I’ve lost my appetite. It’s compulsory? Beans on toast. Make sure the toast is buttered and the beans are hot.
Last person in the world you’d sleep with My wife. She’s also the first. First word you spoke Bambi.
Last crime you committed I habitually steal kindling.
First song at your wedding ‘I Only Want To Be With You’, by Dusty Springfield. Last song at your funeral I can’t decide so shall start writing one forthwith. Now, what rhymes with dead?
First person you’d thank in an award acceptance speech The real winner for lending me their skin.
Last thing you recommended to someone Avocado, and I still do, wholeheartedly.
First celebrity you ever met That has yet to happen. For in my mind there are no celebrities, just equations, blueprints and songs.
Last celebrity you’d want to meet I refer you to my previous answer. ■ Simon Munnery appears at the Stand, Edinburgh, Tue 5 Apr; the Stand, Glasgow, Wed 6 Apr.
WeLike The things making our world just that little bit better
■ This month (with the requisite detached, only-in-it-for-the-bank-holiday cynicism), we’re all about the Royal wedding, which seems to be bringing all sorts of nutters out the woodwork: we’re looking at YOU, producers of the Wills&Kate gnome effigies, Wills&Kate condoms, knit-your-own Wills&Kate, Wills&Kate vegetable portrait and Wills&Kate fridge (we kid you not). But at least someone’s doing things tastefully: queen of the funky knit, Donna Wilson, has come up with sweet gloves, complete with colour-accurate engagement
ring. Three cheers for the happy couple, who following the rules of celebrity portmanteau names, end up with the unfortunate moniker ‘Kill’.* And as spring springs up out of the frozen ground, duvet coats and moon
boots are filed away in the back of the wardrobe, umbrellas are left somewhere handy and culture and music programmes are launched left, right and centre. Can you smell that eau de festival in the air? It’s that intoxicating mixture of steak roll, sponsored beer and the sweat of the culturally exhausted. We are powerless to its charms. *The List doesn’t mean that in a treasonous way.
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2 THE LIST 31 Mar–28 Apr 2011