FirstWord TIM VINE
The king of the pun on mumbling Yorkshiremen and paying too much for flower seeds
First record you ever bought It was ‘Daddy Cool’ by Darts which I’ve since decided is a bit more daddy than cool. If i’d have known how many times in the future I would be asked ‘What was the first record you ever bought?’ I would have been a bit more discerning. The second record I ever bought was ‘Lay Your Love on Me’ by Racey which I still love. I wished you’d asked me that. First film you saw that really moved you I’m pretty sure it was Bambi. But the line in a film that totally blew my socks off was in Jaws 2. A girl that I thought was totally gorgeous was trying to lead astray Chief Brody’s son. They were both the same sort of age as I was at the time – about 12. In a close up shot she says really slowly, ‘Do you always do what your parents tell you?’ It was the most exciting thing I’d ever seen and I nearly passed out.
First movie you ever went on a date to Um . . . I don’t think I’ve been on a lot of movie dates. In fact, dates. How much more personal are these questions going to get? I remember fancying the usherette at Herbie Goes to Monte Carlo. Does that count? Last time you cried It was a documentary on Channel 4 about someone with some sort of serious problems. I can’t remember the details because I turned it on in the middle of it, but they were crying so I just kind of joined in.
Last great meal you cooked The last meal I had was pretty great. Two pork pies with english mustard and spaghetti hoops on toast. Last extravagant purchase you made My extravagant spending tends to be on taxis and props. I don’t buy taxis. I mean I pay to ride in them. And if I like a prop I will generally buy it regardless of price. In Edinburgh in 2008 I bought a toy horse from Jenners for £100. I never really had a joke for it but it was huge and could take my weight.
First crush Marie Osmond. Last book you read A biography on Paul Newman. Did you know he had his honeymoon in England? They went to Hampton Court. Fascinating.
Last time you were star struck Eric Bristow. He’s one of my all time sporting heroes. I played him at darts a couple of months ago. First thing you’d do if you ran the country Rig up a sound system and sing ‘I Just Can’t Help Believing’ on the steps of Downing Street.
Last meal on earth. What would it be? Am I ill or about to be executed or is the whole of Earth about to be destroyed by a meteorite? This affects the answer. I mean, if I’m ill I’ll just have a sandwich or something light. First time you realised you were famous You do know I’m not Tim Rice don’t you?
stop in Leeds right now, mumbling to himself, ‘That Tim Vine is crap’. First three words your friends would use to describe you Not him again.
Last time you made an impulse buy and regretted it I never buy Impulse. I’m more of a Lynx man.
First concert you ever attended Elvis Costello at the Hammersmith Palais. That’s the cool answer, but I have a vague and worrying memory that I may have gone to see Cliff Richard at the Royal Albert Hall with my local church group.
Last time someone criticised your work I don’t know, is the truthful answer. There may be a bloke standing at a bus Last time you bought someone flowers I recently spent £300 on
packets of flower seeds and threw them all into one flower bed to see what would happen. In the end, not much. It turns out a lot of them should have been nursed in small pots first.
First thing you think of when you wake up in the morning Where am I?
Last thing you think of before you go to sleep Who am I? ■ Tim Vine – The Joke-amotive, Pleasance Courtyard, 556 6550, 7–30 Aug (not 9 & 10), 8.43pm, £16–£17 (£14.50–£16). Previews 4–6 Aug, £10. The Tim Vine Chat Show, Pleasance Courtyard, 26–28 Aug, 5.10pm, £11–£12 (£9.50–£11).
WeLike Festival special: the things making our August just that little bit better
■ They are here. The festival bampots have arrived! As August rolls into view, so too does the annual stream of loons who will happily swallow swords/ride unicycles/perform breast shadow puppetry for a living. (That last one is Busting Out!, incidentally. And 100% non-made-up by us. See left.) For those who occasionally
2 THE LIST 5–12 Aug 2010
question what they are doing in life, and ponder whether they’ve really opted for the right career – give yourself a break. What about Mister ‘I Give
Cookery Demonstrations
While Suspended 100ft Above The City’. (That’s Festival in the Sky, btw.) Or
Young Sir ‘I Will Plant Myself In A Post Box and Post Myself to the Festival’. (Post Me To The Fringe, of course). Besides the lunacy we also like the sheer volume of unforgiveable puns and wordplay in this year’s programme. The people who came up with Dark Side of The Poon/Call Me Old Fascist/Wit Tank/Brother, Can You Spare a Rhyme?/
Espionage a Troisand Pearls Before Winereally know how to give festival pun-ters what they want. (If what they want is criminal punning.)