tt’CeLEECH
Sucking the blood of popular entertainment
NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS
'- 1”" . Given that life is a series of trials, M u? 5min»:— v— H mistrials, compromises and eventual
Bifiifffg’? i ' disappointments, the notion of setting A!“ YR’Mfi’fifil yourself some magically unattainable - . . 510- ”T 5”“ K goal can seem futile. Why not dream
up a resolution you could stick to? V, A. t Catching up on sleep wherever "of “ '0' "fl‘r' possible? What about only smoking
I \".'hat do (Bcorge W Bush. Adolf l-litler. the l. cecn and you have in common? No.
no: that. lylissf‘iapen or mono genitalia is a surprisingly xixsdespread condition and there‘s absolutely no evidence linking testicular envy to genocidal impulses. Not yet anyx-ray Chilean scientists are stiil runimagsr‘g through Pinzxmei's trousers. No. the answer is '.'.ie'\.le ail been i’lrne niagzvine's l~)erson of the Year. l-lztier If‘. teas. President Bush in Pix}: and the LHXZQ'i and every other lizastiet on this e:“.ironine'italiy buggered on: 'n 2000. The =.‘.'or’id is (:oinmitttxl to naclea: weapons. relgiotis /ealots rule and iji‘r-s Moyies continues to exist. but hooray humanity! It's a pity you rniss‘txi the giitte'2ng axzartls nasl‘. with Bone and Kofi Annan singing a saucy limerick in your honour and Bill (Ilinton hoping to goose you. But you ‘r/ere a‘rrardtxl a tiny mirror on the naga/ine's cover for 'transforining the :nforinatior‘i age". sin‘ipiy b1, s.ir‘irtg tne Inten'reb. making you and (Ear, (Elittei '.~.'.io of 2006's unlikeliest
success stories.
I lhe gulf i)(}i‘.'/(:(}ll rich and poor is ‘.'.viden.ng. with the man en the street oxen further from the billionaire Russian. oligar'en than ever before. But a meritocracy of mediocrity between common folk and equally common celebrities "taintains the status duo. while doing surprisingly littie tor the fortunes of Statas (').io. l’iuinping a new depth for (:t:l(?t)t'i‘i“,‘ banal; sis. BBC 9 has invited Britain's faxesnte irrashed up soap actors. rock stars and cuckoided spo-..ses to form. a Jury on life Verdict. .Jeffrey Archer wit; read the incisive legal minds hidden in. the neads of Ingrid laiiant. Patsy l’alinei’. Alex James and 8c Solid (Lieu-J's lv‘legaii‘aii. to hear a '(,()f‘iili):(fi"if?l\,,'i fictional rape case inyolying a professional footballer. l inaily! Celebrity Rape Deliberations! lext the name of the novelist and cormcted criin you'd like to vote off for attempting to perJure the trial!
12 THE LIST -‘a ii“. .la." Pi AM
Is that a Cro-Magnon man?
I Meanwhile. Crolviagnon Mancunian Liam Gallagh 3r thinks ordinary people are 'ignorant' for tiking different Si‘,l()$3 of music. rather than Just rock'n'roll. Granted. many bands faVOur a single sound but only Oasis have pursutxl it so doggedly. right up to their iates. album. ‘.‘-.’lil(lfl sounds exactly like their greatest hits. Mt sic is in. a true funk rignt not“; and not in an exciting. James Brown jumping your bones type t'xay as a sunrey by digital do‘.'~.inloa(‘l company eMusic found. with most listeners (If'lilClSl'lg shot'rs l:kc- X factor and their manufactured output of steaming hot oral shit. This is hardly surpr:sii‘.g \.'."l(3.". you consider that former Celebrity Mother of the Year'. Sharon Osbourne. who raised a delightful pair of jUHklOS. has btxzn busily sharing her scatologica! obsessions. Firstly. by sending gift- wrapped turds to her critics. l- lot'.’ can she produce such tonnage? The". drunkenly pretending to be a toilet attendant at a posh l onoon restaurant. Why? Because reai robs are funny! A genuine attendant should be invited to sit and pass judgement on Mrs Osbourne for that hateful whiny voice and her botched plastic surgery. finding her guilty of crimes against ears. they should then ser‘itence her to listen to .Jon ()tilsl‘.a\.'."s 'hiiarious' impression o‘ O/Xy. l'orever.
Is that a gift- wrapped turd?
BALACLAVAS
when you’re a bit intoxicated? Not pissing your mates off, or even a strict regime of kitten hugging?
No, not the Middle Eastern dessert conjured from honey, pastry and pistachios. The knitted headgear that was the scourge of pre-pubescent weans, WWI trenchmen and aspirant terrorists (what is it with their predilection for headwear?) is being reclaimed as a fashion item. Anything designed to render the wearer unidentifiable isn’t the most practical statement of individuality.
5 FANTASTIC BACK TO THE FUTURE FADS
The past is here already (kind of). Don't reset your watch. just marvel in the timely reinvention of some blasts from the past.
Medieval bling The next big thing for the Kristal. Lexus and ice brigade will be to indulge in some serious Tudor excess. Get down like Henry Vlll with ruffs, wars, beheadings and don‘t forget to tickle the back of y0ur throat with that swan feather so you can vomit up dinner and leave room for that plate of boar‘s cheeks.
Archaic smoking aids Remember back in balmy March. when the smoking ban felt like a pleasant idea? Nine months on, faced with the choice between pneumonia and quitting. Scotland's smokers aren‘t laughing. Outwit that wily McConnell by accessorising with a three-foot cigarette holder — with the anti-social end poked out of the nearest window.
Horse and cart Ahh. winter time. When the M8 totters to a stop for three hours every morning at the first sign of frost. Going off-road with your very own gig and pony will help you minimise your carbon footprint and beat the rush-hour traffic in one cunning move. Just make sure you have a winsome stable boy on hand to help out with the composting.
Bonnie Mar Perhaps the most unlikely return of all is that of the Welsh warbler whose familiar gravely tones are nailed onto a trip trance beat masquerading as some kind of dubious dancefloor vanguardery Bonnie's Greatest Hits have been on heavy rotation at List Towers for years. 'l-lolding Out for a Hero inducing all manner of list pumping and mane shaking.
Rocky Balboa Despite being in his sixth decade. and having sustained brain injuries in Rocky V. Sylvester Stallone's alter ego is to return to the ring in 2007, pitted against real-life bruiser Antonio Tarver. The Stallone-directed sixth outing in the seemingly neverending franchise is being hailed as the best since the 1976 original.