tisLEECH
Sucking the blood of popular entertainment
oh "° 353; shouliiii
I The Leech was in London's BBC Television Centre when news of Celtic legend Henrik Larsson's loan to Manchester United broke. Spectacle- wise. the SPL has really suffered since the twinkle-toed Swede left and Larsson has endured the ignominy of signing for some of the world‘s biggest Clubs since. Yet at that point in time. the Leech couldn’t give a masticate of Sir Alex’s chewing gum. because your correspondent had stumbled on Carol Smillie practising fOr Strictly Come Dancing. a rehearsal as surreal as it was doomed. The Leech has never seen a Viennese Waltz performed with such a desperately straining grin before. a dazzling flash of pearly whites blinding the covert observer at every whirl, like a call from God to campest heaven. Whether it prompted the ex-Changing Rooms star's departure from the show we'll probably never know. But the Leech's sniggers certainly didn't help this hack's application for the vacant BBC chairmanship and Smillie was last seen taking eurhythmic inspiration from Widow Twanky at the Glasgow King's Theatre production of Aladdin.
I Even so. she's a tremendous example to this nation's chubby. Smillie. not Twanky that is. who's all for obese transvestitism and no role model for men in kilts with the cludgiest arteries in Europe. The NHS recently announced plans to offer free dance classes. but sadly only in England and Wales. It‘s a shame. because tangoing, trampolining and shaking all that bounteous blubber like you really do care might truly benefit Scotland's lettuce- averse. The Leech put this to some of Hollywood's smoothest movers. first Henry ‘Please Don't Ask Me About The Fonz' Winkler. currently playing Captain Hook and seen browsing for Christmas gifts by the radioactive Russian sushi
12 THE LIST 14 Dec 2006—4 Jan 2007
restaurant. Those Lost BOys have clearly pushed him too far. Regardless. America’s foremost jukebox nudger pretended not to hear the Leech's shouts and hid behind a policeman. Later. Billy Zane. the bag lady's Patrick Swayze. appearing in West End ‘comedy' Six Dance Lessons in SIX Weeks and erTJOying a drink Il‘i Soho's Bar ltalia with fiancee Kelly Brook. might have mumbled something as minders surrounded the Leech and bundled them into a car.
I Well. to hell With them, because the Leech was actually in The Big Choke to hear Ennio Morricone coiiduct the Rome Sinfonia. It was only ll Maestro's
third visit to Britain and. frankly. probably
his last. This was an evening spent politely clapping exquisite chamber music in the fevered, philistine hope that ‘the cowboy stuif’ arrived soon. the climax of char. trumpet and soprano that is The EcsfaSy of Gold leaVing the Leech feeling good. bad and ugly With almost sexual satisfaction. Various bits of Hard Fi and The Mighty Boosh were at the aftershow. but the Leech made do Wliil stalking Jonathan Ross. every bit as tall in person yet beautifully tongue-tied beside the diminutive Italian conductor.
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Oh god, he did
5 ALTERNATIVES TO CHRISTMAS
Sick of the same old secular seasonal nonsense? Never fear — December is chock-a-block with fun festivals.
DEADLIEST CATCH
Reality TV has reached its logical conclusion. Not with public hangings (though that will come one day) but in a series about the men who make a living cutting through the ice of the Bering Sea to catch King Crab. Really, it’s amazing. Better than anything I'm a Celebrity. . . could muster; this is men with big beards and oil skins in peril with more real-life drama and, well, giant cmstaceans than any show ever before.
Back in the day. peeling back the daily door of your advent calendar was like opening a trove of confectionery beauty. Now, the anaemic-looking offerings are about as much of a treat as cold beans. especially as your gums are coated with a decidedly un- festive layer of vegetable fat. And as for those those ‘jokes'!? It’s enough to make Tiny Tim weep.
Saturnalia The levels of sloth, gluttony and debauchery sunk to by westerners at Christmas are as nothing compared to our Ancient Roman forebears. The party-lovin' Romans stretched their celebration of the god Saturn to a whole week. Apparently the customary greeting for the occasion is ‘lo Saturnalia!’ (pronounced “yo Saturnalia!)
Hanukkah Alternatively spelt Chanukah and Khanike — oh. let's call the whole thing off (kidding!) — the eight-day Jewish Festival of Lights or Festival of Rededication starts on the 25th day of Kislev (late November. December or early January) and is observed by prayer and the kindling of lights.
Yule Pagan festivities were around long before Christianity was a twinkle in God's eye. While there are few remaining accounts of how the winter solstice was celebrated. ‘Yule-Joy' was traditionally a time for dancing and feasting. including the sacrifice of a plump pig to the god Freyr.
Rohatsu Every year. 8 Dec is set aside by Zen Buddhists to honour the day of the Buddha's enlightenment after glimpsing the morning star at dawn. Monks and laymen follow in the Buddha‘s path. staying up all night. not drinking and gorging themselves. but practising sesshin. an intensive form of meditation.
Kwanzaa Established by the controversial African American founder of the National Slaves, Ron Karenga as a black alternative to Christmas. Kwanzaa is a week-long (26 Dec-1 January) ‘first fruits“ celebration of classical African cultures and heritage.