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I Skulking in an underground bunker. monitoring Chinese satellites and decoding Tom and Katie's wedding vows in all known languages and intergalactic dialects for clandestine instructions to destroy Hollywood. the Leech has little time for conspiracy theories. Whether it's Pope John Paul II on theology, Albert Camus on philosophy or Andy Goram on fidelity. the Leech always obtains the inside stOry from trusted goalkeeping sources. And as David Icke so rationally outlines in his seven hour spit-fleck. Freedom or Fascism: The Time To Choose. the war on terror is a massive political and media conSpiracy. the masterminds of which are giant salamanders and Simon Cowell.
I Pre-eminent among these cold- blooded media bastards is Rupert Murdoch, hell-bent on persecuting the Leech personally. Decades of couch potatoery have saddled your correspondent with oddly misshapen buttocks and an insatiable appetite for quality American drama. But Channel 4 and 5's constant import of superior cop shows and loose-lipped Manhattan sluts has forced the Leech to cry 'Enoughl‘, resolving to simply follow select series like The West Wing, 24 or Lost. Except that right at the moment the Leech is beginning to see Charlie and Dr Jack rather than a hobbit and that sap from Party of Five. Murdoch steals them for Sky. leaving the Leech to transfer half-arsed affection to CSI: Nantucket or some courtroom toss with William Shatner.
I Now, Murdoch has blocked a Fox network interview with the Leech's favourite free-moving sociopath. DJ
12 THE LIST 30 Nov—14 Dec 2006
Sucking the blood of popular entertainment
Simpson, entitled /f I Did It, Here '3 How It Happened. This is all the more surprising, given that Rupe rarely lets morality impinge on ratings and the shadowy assassin buck is huge right now. The Bond marketing team set the standard with the poisoning of an ex-KGB spy and the fingering of President Putin, presumably by pointing Alexander Litvinenko in the direction of a Hackney greasy spoon. And having clicked onto Casino Roya/e's clunking product placement. Ml5 head Dame Eliza Manningham-Butler delivered a public speech that was part recruitment drive. part al Qaeda tip-off on just how many terrorist suspects they're actively pursuing — 1600 incidentally.
I Meanwhile, Newsnight is trumpeting evidence claiming the CIA orchestrated Robert Kennedy‘s assassination. just in time for the cinema release of Emilio Estevez‘s Bobby. And Scotland Yard. the same Scotland Yard who recently had their laptops stolen, published a computer photofit of Jack the Ripper, revealing Lord Lucan has significantly more to answer for than we imagined.
Rather Jack?
RICHARD SCARRY
Richard Scarry’s M R. FRUMBLE’S COFFEE SHOP DISASTERgct
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American anthropomorphic animal illustrator and children’s author Richard Scarry is going through something of a renaissance. Having shuffled off this Busy, Busy World in 1994 he lives on in the hearts of big kids everywhere. If you have or know a child, buy them Scarry’s Please and Thank You book this Christmas - it may mean the difference between a single A880 and borstal.
SOAP STAR DEATHS
Not because we‘ll miss this or that moaning fecker from Corrie. But because it means they‘ll crop up in dullass concept dramas or talking about how theatre was always their ‘first love’ as they open at Skegness Pavilion, until everyone realises they only liked them because they were in EastEnders (see anything featuring Michelle Collins). Ross Kemp on Gangs rocks though.
5 DRUNK ARTISTS
It’s a fine line between genius and madness, as the old cliche goes. Shockingly. Buckfast remains unclaimed as a source of artistic inspiration.
the middle.
Tracey Emin The Oliver Reed of contemporary art turned up tiddled to a C4 panel debate in 1997. Arriving from Turner Prize ceremony, she slid in between Waldemar Januszczak and Roger Scruton, declaring, 'I want to phone my mum.’ The vodka bottles in her subsequent installation, My Bed. were no surprise.
Gilbert & George ‘Gordon's makes us very drunk.‘ intoned the cut-glass accented pair in a short film, while politely sipping G&Ts. As classical music plays. their shirts fail to be unbuttoned by the spirit. It's a comment on Britishness and the dichotomy between the stiff upper lip and the stiff drink.
Vincent Van Gogh Legend has it that troubled dauber van Gogh lopped off a lughole under the influence of the ‘Green Fairy‘. Wormwood-infused absinthe was the vogue among Paris-based artists at the turn of the 20th century, and appeared in many paintings. lts hallucinogenic properties are unproven.
Picasso The great artist. Iothario and party animal enjoyed absinthe. but was also heard to say, 'As long as it is wine. it doesn’t matter which wine.‘ Bottles and glasses inspired many of his works. and in 1973 he designed a wine label for Bordeaux vineyard Chateau Mouton Rothschild.
Fra Angelica Roles reversed in the 19803. with a liqueur inspired by Italian Renaissance painter Fra Angelico. Frangelico is the modern name for a hazelnut —- and herb-infused liqueur produced in Piedmont for the last 300 years, with a bottle shaped like a monk's habit. complete with knotted cord round