Rear View
‘blue’ comic Boy ‘Chubby’ Brown gave his name to the mad village created by the League
of Gentlemen. With his autobiography and a live DVD out now, we wonder what he thinks about Joan Rivers, Jammie Dodgers and Jesus.
Which time in history would you love to have lived?
I'd have loved to have been Robin Hood. Bob the rich and keep it. I'm not sure about the new TV series and he‘s a bit yOung to be Robin. He's no Errol Flynn. They're all fine in their roles. but you need it to be more believable. You look at the guys in The Sopranos and you think. bloody hell, they're scary. Not in this.
What was the last thing you stole?
I stole one of the dog's biscuits the other day when he wasn't looking. And when he saw it. the dog went mad. I haven't had to steal anything for a number of years because yOu can get social seCurity dead easy now.
What’s your least favourite country?
Top of my head. Spain. I mean, they're just pig ignorant. They're lazy and they're horrible and they have no time for you and just want y0ur money. You go next door to Portugal and they're falling all over yOu. They're nice and talk to you and want to make time for you. Italy is the same. But it wouldn't do for us all to be the same. Suppose.
What’s the most rock’n’roll thing you’ve done today?
I looked in the mirror and went ‘one for the money. two for the show.‘ That's definitely rock'n'roll. But I've also been talking on the radio and had photographs taken; there's always something going on. Your life's
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ANSWER MACHINE
not y0ur own when you're in showbusiness.
What did you think when the League of Gentlemen borrowed your real name?
Well, it's one of the best things that've ever happened to me; it‘s an honour. I feel. An honour. I loved it from the very first scene when I saw the hearse went by and the flowers spelled: 'BASTARD'.
What would be your ideal birthday present? A two-foot Viagra tablet.
If you could wake up tomorrow and have obtained one ability what would it be?
To see through women's clothes? Though to be serious. it would be to heal the sick. I won't pull the wool over your eyes but I've spent a bit of time recently in hospital and | see those people and no one really knows how long they‘ve got. I‘d love to just put my hand on their shoulder and say ‘go on home. you‘re alright.‘ I'd be like JeSUS of Nazareth.
Can you cook?
Egg and chips. Beans on toast. I'm a dab hand at those. When I was young and my mother buggered off and it was just me and my father at home. I used to do a lot of cooking then. I actually joined the merchant service as a second cook and bottle washer. So. I can cook. but you get lazy as yOu get Older.
Tell us the punchline to your favourite joke? ‘Youre not really here for the hunting. are you?” What, if anything is too serious to joke about?
Being harmful to small children, Violence to kids. Comedians are not politicians. we look at every situation and try to see the humour in them. As an individual. each comic edits themselves and my mind just won't go towards that. It's difficult. because the rules of comedy mean that we should say and do what we like but when I started off in the early 70s. you oculdn‘t say everything. But last night I was sat watching Catherine Tate and within the first five minutes I'm thinking ‘how the hell is she getting away with this?‘ Ten years ago we know that she w0uldn't have.
What’s your favourite biscuit?
Jammie Dodgers. A classic. I love dunking biSCuits in my tea; it's like a drug.
What’s your all-time favourite sitcom? Definitely Rising Damp. I w0uld always get someone to do my shift so I got home to see it. Bigsby was fantastic.
Who would you like to see playing you in the film of your life?
Well, I always thought that Shane Richie was a good entertainer but never a good actor. But I watched him on TV in What We Did on Our Holidays and thOught he was fabulous. So. Shane. Or John Thomson. Some people just have it. don't they?
What’s your lucky number?
Well, I thought it was three but it's let me down recently at the bookies.
There’s a documentary about you next year as part of Channel 4’s Offensive Comedy season: what offends you?
The last time I was offended was in New York. I went to see Joan Rivers and she was explaining to the audience how a woman went to the toilet to change her tampon. I just thought that was bloody awful; too much.
Your house is on fire, loved ones and pets are safe. You have a chance to go and retrieve one thing, what would it be?
To be honest. I'd have to go back and get my joke books or I'd be skint. And I'd have to go back in to get my pet hyena or no one w0uld laugh at my jokes. I Kick Arse Chubbs is Out now on Universal DVD; Common as Muck! is out now published by Little. Brown.
Anyone who was a fan of Seinfeld must have cringed with horror at the onstage antics of Michael Richards aka Kramer when he flew into a racist fury after being heckled by some black comedy fans. Here’s a bunch of other celebs who have said the wrong thing at the wrong time and place.
I Paris Hilton You'd think she might be more careful about hidden bits of technology. Yet there was the stick insect socialite caught on tape spattering her conversation with the N word.
I Arnold Schwarzenegger A fan of the speeches of fellow Austrian Adolf Hitler. his friendship with alleged war criminal Kurt Waldheim got him into hot water. Two of his fellow bodybuilders insisted that he was less than keen on black people being given power.
I George Best When Andy Cole became a 27m signing for Manchester United in 1995. the Nerthern Irishman was alleged to have said some rather inappropriate remarks at a footballers' dinner.
I Cheryl Needy The Geordie Girls Aloud lass was cleared of racially aggravated assault after an incident in a classy joint in Guildford. Not long after she started dating Chelsea's Ashley Cole whom she has since wed. Now, we're not cynical or anything . . .
IAnne Robinson Once upon a time it was the Irish who were the butt of TV presenters' ire. But it seems that the Welsh are the ones to bait nowadays and the Weakest Link woman went hell for leather on people from the valleys during her slot on Room 107.
I Mel Gibson A swift apology was in order when Braveheart mouthed off with some anti- Semitic vitriol at the arresting officer. ‘I am in the process of understanding where those vicious words came from during that drunken display.‘ he later whimpered.
I Ron Atkinson The man who did more than most to promote black footballers in Britain while manager of West Brom in the 70s let everyone down with his horrible racial slurring of French centre-half Marcel Desailly. He didn't realise his mic was switched on, was the cry from the defence. Well. that's alright then.