I It's been said of Glasgow recently.
that 'when the sun goes down. the feral .
boys come out'. And the Leech, for one. welcomes Our new nocturnal rodent overlords. Readership of this column among Non-Educated Delinquents has ensured fewer List employees suffer unprovoked kickings than ever before in their miserable lives. whether on the street or simply entering the Editor's oftice. Furthermore. as Lord Haw Haw Bawbag. the Leech c0uld be instrumental in rounding up other snooty arts enthusiasts and putting them to toil in off licences. chip shops, chib shops and shellsuit factories.
In fact. The Feral Boys of Glasgow is a brazen slab of propaganda. sorry. Canadian dOCLimentary. released by the city of Halifax to steal the 2014 Commonwealth Games from Glasgow. While Jack McConnell has been in North America trying to lure Canadians back to the mother c0untry and buy a tartan rug. those cheeky moosefucking Iumberjacks have been filming our teenage gangs. promising to take CBC channel viewers ‘to a very dangerous place. Not Iraq or Afghanistan. but Glasgow'. Apparently, the city‘s ‘public health catastrophe often spills onto the streets of downtown', prompting the Leech to ponder just where Glasgow‘s sophisticated uptown is meant to be.
I Make no mistake. Scotland the Shit is a popular brand right now. Restaurant critic and Scots git about town AA Gil! recently declared this nation’s cuisine craptacular beyond the central belt. having loosened his own in restaurants right across. well. London mostly. In America meanwhile, lnverness-born Jamie
12 THE LIST 2- 16 Nov 2006
e pavement); .
Grant recently published the Cu/tureshock! Guide to Scotland. It's riddled with typos. glaring inaccuracies and irrefutable facts. such as: ‘It is not uncommon to see men and women staggering home blind drunk at the end of a night out — singing. shouting or fighting as they go. Drinking to excess is not only acceptable. it is virtually expected.“ And ‘It is common for Scots to insult each other with fOul language. Don't take offence. It is more than likely they are just being friendly‘. Oh to see ourselves as others see us! Then affectionately chin the bastards. lead a drunken chorus of Flower of Scotland and attempt to lick them amoroust in an alley. By a bin preferably.
I Of c0urse. Nonh America is far better at tackling anti-social behaviour. with prominent black Americans fighting yOuth crime by releasing a 66 CD recording of the Bible. Featuring Denzel Washington reading the Song of Solomon. Forest Whitaker as Moses and Samuel L Jackson as God. you'd better believe there ain’t no muthatuckin snakes in that muthafuckin Garden of Eden!
snakes on a p|ane
After the Scottish national team’s
defeat of a lazy, cumbersome French side, a few people north of the border were starting to get a bit cocky. So, thank heavens the former Soviet state quickly slapped us into place and allowed us to concentrate on what we’re good at: forgetting our own inadequacies by laughing at the English.
What is the point of Trinny and Susannah? Unless you take pleasure in seeing downtrodden suckers being groped, prodded and persecuted for the sin of sartorial inelegance. If erstwhile BBC stylist Zoe Lem is to be believed, the gruesome twosome don’t even dress participants themselves. Their new ITV show Trinny and Susannah Undress should be re-titled What Not to Watch.
5 MUSICIANS WITH TITLES
Forget your Queen Latifahs and your King Creosofes - the classiest musicians go by simple Mr or Mrs, or perhaps a professional qualification.
Dr Hook ‘When you're in love with a beautiful woman.’ sang the good doctor: it makes you wear a cowboy hat and an eyepatch. The 19703 MOR cockamamies’ other big hits were Sylvia ’3 Mother and Sexy Eyes. and amusingly, they followed up a bankruptcy in ‘74 with the album Bankrupt.
Mr c With his bleached blonde hair. hollowed cheeks and Cockernee lad attitude. the chap who not-so- cryptically sang, ‘Eezer Goode! 'Eezer Goode!’ was a major figure in the bizarre. crusty mish-mash of dance. indie and rap that happed on the cusp of the 903. Now he's a superstar DJ.
Professor Longhair Born Henry Roeland Byrd. the ‘Fess was a native of New Orleans. and soaked up every Black sound the Big Easy offered him. A founding father of R&B who debuted on vinyl after WWII. his Caribbean. calypso piano style earned him the soubriquet ‘the Bach of Rock and Roll'.
Mrs Mills The ivory-tinkler shared studio space with the Beatles in the 605, but satisfied herself with bashing out cheesy reworkings of songs such as Diamonds Are A Girl '3 Best Friend. Hello Dolly and I’m Forever Blowing Bubbles. Not to be confused with: Jeff Mills. Scott Mills, Hattie Jacques, Russ Conway.
Reverend Horton Heat lt's a psychobilly freakout! Celebrating their 21st anniversary this year. the threesome fronted by Jim Heath (who takes the religious title for a stage name) are a manic stage presence, fuelled by Jagermeister and distorted. searing electric blues in the gonzo style. Get out your love whip!