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Preston, no ’ve always referred hfntelle
I Top entertainment and listings magazines might pulp entire rainforests trying to make you go organic. But
when the Leech goes. it won't be to the
nutrients of the soil, it‘ll be to the fridge freezer. stuffed behind the leftover bubble and squeak and that ominous mystery meat. Apparently in Preston. the deceased now have a choice of burial. cremation or being dipped in liquid nitrogen at 496“. These deep frozen stiffs can then be turned into environmentally friendly dust and Sprinkled over Lancashire bric-a- brac shops. or as Han Solo found. hung on the wall of a giant space slug's bachelor palace. Either way. it's got the Leech thinking about getting preserved for posterity or just running around as a zombie after karking it.
I Then again. the Leech might follow the example of Saw III star Tobin Bell, who supplied a vial of his own blood as red ink for the film‘s posters. There's a precedent for this of c0urse, with Angelina Jolie and Billy Bob Thornton exchanging vials of claret before their
Bloody marvellous
12 THE LIST 19 Oct—2 Nov 2006
Sucking the blood of popular entertainment .. .. . I . _ - .
wedding. And the whiff of Johnny Vegas’ excrement lingering around the release of Sex Lives of The Potato Men.
KOPPARBERG PEAR CIDER
CLEVER CLEVER ZEITGEIST VERBOSITY
FIVE GREAT PLACES TO FIND EUPHEMISMS
A recent survey found 50% of all CVs in the UK contain half-truths. Here’s a few
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Call us shallow, but when 24 bottles of glorious Scandinavian pear silkiness arrived on our doorstep we realised just how privileged we are. Showing our ususal willing enthusiasm we promptly drank the lot but feel that if anyone else has any other spare free items hanging about collecting dust in their offices they might just take the edge off those ‘difficult’ editorial meetings on Monday mornings.
Not the latest signing for Chelsea; we mean Keith Barker-Main and his book Say What? Hilarious gambits like ‘tightmare’, that realisation that you’ve laddered your tights in public or ‘answer phoney’, those nasties who pretend to be away from their desks l and leave an answer machine on. ; Rather than being edgy, this is just l crap. Say what you mean, like when l | ,. say, Mr Barker-Main you are an arse.
other instances of over-complicating, or simplifying the actualité.
I A lobotomy is pretty much a lifestyle choice nowadays anyway. Anyone who's sought enlightenment on such diverse subjects as teenagers. eating disorders or Islam will know that Ofcom guidelines now stipulate all television documentaries must be fronted by Peaches Geldof. No matter. because the Leech is preoccupied with the trailer for Grind House. an upcoming undead fest from Quentin Tarantino and Robert Rodriguez, featuring Hispanic double-hard, scarred bastard . 73. Pugnac, . Danny Trejo snarling and wading {1;}.373: f I: : through a sea of gore and severed a f i. . limbs. Mind you. the Leech got equally " excited about the trailer for Kill Bill, so expect this to be every bit as flashy, chop socky and a teensy bit shit.
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Hall“ V CON huh I Perhaps ITV have forgotten the WM enduring appeal of zombies after cancelling their coverage of the Chainsaw Awards in Los Angeles. a ceremony with SUCh award categories as ‘Most Thrilling Killing', ‘Highest Body Count' and ‘Screenwriter Not Held Enough As A Child'. Meanwhile. the BBC is displaying no such squeamishness about screening footage of Richard Hammond's BOOmph crash, rejecting its original plan to simply shoot a hamster in a ball, set it alight and kick it down a hill. A proper Top Gear ‘ reconstruction of the incident is A ’ I""““ scheduled to air soon. something the "
Leech urges all right-minded viewers to
boycott and deCry. prolonging as it will
the career of Jeremy Clarkson.
5* '1'ka
CVs The fine art of making hard working mountains out of dead end molehills. ‘Experience with photoshop?’ Surely trying unsuccessfully to graft a friend's head onto the body of a naked Pamela Anderson doesn't count. And working for that Eastern European ‘children’s charity’ was in truth just a summer of sherberts and shagging in Prague.
Obituaries Normally a place to skirt around a person’s sexuality with degrees of success (and failure). ‘He was a flamboyant character“ (he was gay). ‘he lived a private life' (he was in the closet). ‘lifelong companion' (they were quietly, socially acceptably gay).
School reports They're kids, let’s not crush their tender spirits before they've had an opportunity to make their way in the world. Hence. why ‘easily distracted' (a pest). ‘enthusiastic’ (geeky). ‘energetic’ (ADHD), ‘deep thinking' (a bit slow), ‘popular’ (a bully), ‘talkative’ (irritating). ‘athletic' (thick). are all terms to be momentarily savoured by parents everywhere.
Royal reporting Where journalistic fluff and padding come into their own for fear of actually saying something that actually mattered about the Queen and her expansive. divisive brood. In 20 years, did Jenny Bond ever tell you anything at all in those news reports? Thought not.
Estate agents Some of the greatest works of contemporary popular fiction are to be found in the window of your local estate agents. We all know that the well worn classic ‘compact and bijou’ never meant anything other than uncomfortably. unsocially, unpractically small, but surely ‘well appointed’ didn't always mean situated over a kebab shop?