tie BRATCH
Sucking the fat out of the bridie of popular culture
I Some kind person asked me if I wanted to write a wee piece in The List. outlining some of the current nonsense in my head. Being an archnarCIssist, I didn't need much persuasion. l was also informed that this issue WOuId co— incide With the Arches" 15th birthday celebrations. So that’s the Arches in Glasgow. once described by The List as ‘the epitome of raw. slightly edgy. underground chic'
Whatever.
Bring back Alien War. that's what I say. Still the most fun I ever had in there. i remember leavrng the place. trembling wrth fear after being chased down a dark corridor by a gurning, dribbling xenomorph. Actually. come to think of it. that's what happens every time I leave he Arches nightclub.
I Despite my misanthropic tendencres. I finally got myself one of them MySpace pages. Mainly because I would like to be spotted on the web and groomed by a lonely, rich old lady. The general idea on MySpace is that you get friends. then yOu find out who their friends are. and make them your friends as well. and so on ad infinitum. It brings to mind the posters that used to appear in doct0r's surgeries wrth everyone holding hands. You know. the ones abOut sexually transmitted diseases. How abOuI a website for people that hate other people ~ naespace. perhaps. Br'atchy has 0 friends. and neither do yOu.
I Being that this is The List. I should declare that l have always been a big fan of the I Saw You section. In fact. I am considering stalking people and describing my antics through the medium of I Saw You. To Wit:
'I Saw YOu Mary of Cadogen St. Glasgow. through a bush across the road. You made a Cup of tea at 7.28pm and then watched Corrie. I like yOur
12 THE LIST 21 Sep—S Oct 2006
fluffy slippers. I really enjoyed our date the other night. You may not remember this inCident.
PS. don't forget to check yOur post. as I left you a little crusty gift'
I I really should get Out more. But what is Out there? IMHO everything is shit at the moment. espeCially music. (Again. MySpace has a lot to answer for. Souint your eyes and ears and you Will find that Lily Allen is in fact U840 With a fat arse.) It may be passe to moan about boy bands. but the increasmg popularity of identikit urchins covering Queen songs is beginning to grate. One of them should have the decency to do “Fat Bottomed Girls' That way. when they warble the hook ‘fat bottomed girls. they make my rocking world go round.’ the chubbier members of their pubescent audience wrll feel better about themselves.
Just thinking of the underdog . . . I Bratchy IS a stand-up comedian based in Glasgow and appearing in Clubs around the UK. Details at WWW. myspace. com rbratchycomedy He can a/so be f0und hanging around the Arches. if y0u fancy Sta/king him. He IS the midd/e member of the Br'atChp/ece family. Scotland's only fami/y of stand-ups. Catch them on Thu 28 Sep at Over the Road. 8th St. G/asgow.
THE ARCHES BAROMETER
Do you know what's rot and what's not? Our guest editors do and they say
yay! or nay!
The 19905
No. not the newest
Rough Trade indie
signing but the decade. Mini rucksacks. ethnic skull caps and cycling shOrts. Fashion from 15 years ago.
Free the veg Whilst pillaging The List offices we came across a giant courgette. gifted to them by Ulla. their green-fingered editorial intern. We considered kidnapping him but he's starting to reek a bit.
Salt & sauce vs salt & vinegar Enough with the Great Edinburgh/Glasgow divide. We're not that different.
Well. apart from the pubs and the accents and the football and the dress sense . . .
rr' a" i I i r’ r“ \ ,f §¢§x ,/ I! ’. /‘ ’ -7.
'C‘ (2;; '_ (j, tum. M, lfi?‘
Saddling Up If you haven't slammed 90p vodkas. played bingo. slow- danced With an old cowboy. got into a shoot-out and worshipped at the altar of the mighty DJ Rowdy at the Grand Ole Opry. you haven't lived.
Spitting
Lily Allen: stop it. you dirty mink. You can top the charts all you like but don't leave us running the risk of treading in your home made phlegm pasnes.
London
There's better stuff going on up here. Quit whinging. stay put. look about at what '3 on your doorstep, and stop tugging your forelock.
I Images taken from freelance illustrator My Whiten's controversial recent Total Kunst exhibition “What is Ladycum?‘ www.amywhiten.com