' my theatre - or else
‘ The man who runs The Arches reckons that the ultimate piece of theatre would take place ' when nobody was allowed to come. He’s only half-joking . . .
\‘m_~____.___~————
ing‘s Theatre. Queen‘s llall. Theatre
Royal. (‘ivic Theatre. (‘iti/en‘s
Theatre. National Theatre. Royal Lyceum . . . They all sound a hit archaic. part of the limpire. like old linglish pub names. Why do theatres puff themselves up so much'.’ l"ar more people play badminton every week than go to the theatre. but the shuttlccocks are happily floating back and forth above heads and over nets in nameless and unpretentious halls throughout the land. How much is the
theatre these days part of the grand scheme of
things‘.’ Well. it's not really. it‘s not on the radar of the vast majority of people —» even at world gatherings of socially dysfunctional thespian types like. the lidinburgh l‘estival. For a few brief weeks we delude ourselves that theatre has some impact on people‘s lives: and then. come September. the moment is gone for another year.
Don‘t get me wrong. I‘m a theatreholic. As soon as I stop working on one theatre show I've got to start on another or I get the shakes. Badly. But I prefer to indulge my habit in private. maybe with a few actors — who I need — and away from the glare of daylight. And I don't want to watch other people do it. That‘s selfish and self-obsessed. I know. but have you met a junkie who isn‘t‘.’ I don't want to be trapped between people in rows of seats all facing the same way in what is quaintly still called ‘the stalls” or 'the dress circle.‘ watching plays stuffed with characters i don't care about. looking around me and only seeing other people ‘in the business'.
The theatres themselves are the problem. My solution is simple: take theatre out of theatres. then we can all relax. I‘m doing my next show in the cubicles of The Arches toilets. The last one. Inferno. was performed down thin. sightless corridors and the next one will hopefully be on a train. You meet interesting people that way.
Glasgow used to be famous for burning down its theatres. It tends rather to starve them to death these days. but why did we abandon that tradition‘.’ Maybe one Scottish theatre building should be kept for posterity"s sake — like the Globe in London. a tourist attraction of absolutely no artistic worth — but otherwise.
just think what could be earned from all that
prime real estate.
Ah. but the good thing about theatres (I hear you say) is that several hundred people can watch a play at the same time — and how many
people can you fit into a toilet cubicle anyway?
Well.
10 THE LIST 21 Sep—S Oct 2006
who the fuck cares'.’ ('Audience
development‘ strategists look away now.) ()ver a few weeks. a few thousand people may go to see a play in a theatre. What percentage is that of the local population'.’ Nought-point- whatever. roughly. The number of people in the population who may attend a theatre show is so relatively infinitesimal that it‘s actually irrelevant. More important is the staging of a piece of drama in a context that
will make it work. so that it might actually achieve what it‘s meant to and affect those who see it.
It‘s not the witnessing that matters. it's the discussion and controversy that the original stimulus provokes. I mean. did you actually to Tommy Sheridan‘s trial'.’ In fact. to be really affected by theatre. it‘s much better that you don‘t see the show at all. Then your imagination can take ()VCI'.
A few years ago a play called .llo/u’le 'I‘liril/er was on at the lidinburgh Fringe. It involved two actors in the front seats of a car and an audience of two in the back. It was discussed in all the papers. in pubs and around water coolers and tens of thousands of people read about it. but how many people actually saw it'.’
.2“
THEATRE OUT OF THEATRES, THEN WE CAN ALL RELAX
Two a night. to be e\act. Meanwhile. a show was running at the same time each night at the local repertory theatre and was patronised by thousands oftheatre-goers. How many ofthem discussed the play afterwards'.’ \one. Really. Take my word for it.
Some of the most important contributions to the leth century stage came out of Samuel Beckett‘s esperiments with minimalism culminatingin Bren/Ii (world premiere in (ilasgow. l‘)b‘)l. Here's the play in full: ('urtain up . . . amplified sound of a single breath curtain down . . . and back to the theatre bar for long discussions about what it. and life. was all about. In the let century we should focus on the minimalism of the audience culminating in the show which no-one is permitted to watch. Tickets would be like gold dast if there were any to be had. which of course there wouldn't be. I‘m off back downstairs to rehearse my next opus and I may consider letting you come and see it e but you can't bring a friend.
Spend A Penny, The Arches, Glasgow, Tue 26 Sep—Sat 7 Oct.
EMERGING ARTIST:
I Luke Arnold works in oils and canvas. He studied in Glasgow and Leeds. and his pictures were used as the backdrop of the Devil's lair in the Arches’ production of Inferno. www.lukearnold.info