thLEECH
Sucking the blood of popular entertainment
Got no plot
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5 GLORIOUS SPORTING FAILURES
Pity those poor sporting souls who scent glory yet end up fumbling defeat from the comfy lap of victOry. Here are a few of our favourites.
JOSEPHINE ROONEY
Before she falls off our tabloid radar. let us spare a thought for anarchist/capitalist Josephine Rooney. the 69-year-old from Derby who was recently imprisoned for not paying her council tax. only to be freed after one day when a kindly male sympathiser paid off her debts. Turns out she was actually an absentee landlady on a huge scale. Hurrah and farewell. Josephine.
Chartie Says was cuddly. and Clunk Click brief and effective. But. since their 705 heyday. public information ads have suffered a sense of humour bypass. Thanks for pointing out in graphic fashion that smoking. drinking, taking drugs and eating undercooked sausages might land me in hospital. It‘s enough to make you nostalgic for Rolf Harris in a swimming pool - ‘Kids and water — they LOVE it!‘
Jean van de Velde At the 1999 British Open in Carnoustie. our Jean lost the plot and the championship, thrashing his pimply white ball into the crowd. a bunker. and most famously a stream - prompting him to whip off his shoes and socks to contemplate a crazy golf shot from the water.
Devon Loch Piloted by thriller author-to-be Dick Francis and owned by the Queen Mother. Devon Loch seemed certain to win the 1956 Grand National. But in an inexplicable plot twist. the horse kicked out all four legs and plopped onto his belly 50 yards from home.
Newcastle United Goaded by Alex Ferguson, who accused teams of trying harder against Manchester United than against Kevin Keegan's Newcastle, Keegan popped a vein. '1 would love it if we beat them. Love it!‘ Newcastle threw away a 12-point lead and the Mancs won the Premiership.
Borls Onischenko Picking up a silver medal in the modern pentathlon at the 1972 Munich Olympics. Ukranian soldier Boris Onischenko wanted more at the 1976 Montreal edition. 80 he wired up the guard of his fencing epee and registered a hit whenever he wanted. Of course. he got caught.
Nigel Mansell Drone-voiced genius Mansell was involved in a bizarre incident at the 1984 US Grand Prix in Dallas. Starting in pole position, he ran out of fuel on'the final lap. Desperate to finish. he got out of the car and tried to push it over the line, only to collapse with exhaustion. He finished sixth. (Robin Lee)