té’CeLEECH
Sucking the blood of popular entertainment
One flew off . . .
I Whi 'rn airing opinions. ‘.'oi<;ing itlli'.ttlll es and Just generally settling ‘,l ores. the t er‘rh tends to tavour tiarkbrti'ig ‘4 Me over upfront llirm‘tness ltexi'nge and prejudices are dishes best served mi ltd. barely, .li-trostetl. the buttock irnpnnts of the distin'xashing stall still ‘.|T;lt)lt: :n the mashed potato. Nevertheless, there's a part ot the t eech that tltll\ adrriires the raisin tiltlllltftt desire of celebrities to spout l)llt)|lt)|\, on matters they
kill Sit /\ about. So the t eech was texerishly anticipating Sir Sean tionnerys appearance at t drnburgh's tlllttlllllllt) Politics t estwal. And thus was huger disappointed to hear the well publicised. embarrassing news for the Scottish Parliament that the former milkman and spy had suddenly pulled out. Ouch. as l’elula (Ilark rnight once haye said in unrelated cirr‘unistances. ()uch.
Alli -t y 'L lli,
I Sir Sean is reportedlt outraged that he was going to be asked about his menus on \.'.‘ornen and whether it's exer instilled to schlap them about a bit. It's a shame because the teech assumed Big lam would have taken this opportunih tc set the record straight and none his progrestnxe opinions As he did meeting the cast and crec; ot Alison Peebles' Afterlife at the t tlinburgh Film testixal of 13003. chuckling ‘Thm're all women. u-Jtiat's gltilltgl Olly. Htt‘ cried throughout that film incidentally but \'.ll0 has about to tell
007 to pipe doxzn and tiuit blubbing :‘
I t‘gual tippertunitx pax and other contrcxersies at Wimbledon rneantzhile. The Leech lows Andi. Murra\ "s work in the Robinson's Juice ather‘t. sashayrng into the All England Club with a deul-may gloat grin as Tim Henman is turned away a mercy
14 THE LIST '5 .‘3 JL. .ffx‘tl
barring as it transpired for the Tiger, handed the almightiest of tamings by Roger l ederer. But Mllllét‘. tongue»incheek comment of "anyone but t ngland' for the World ()up sparked a furious rally of Vitnol across l-ladr'ian‘s Wall. Except it didn't, A few anonymous brgots baited each other ‘.‘.’lttl yile suggestions over the Interweb. as happens all day. every day. lt's not news and the media should be ridiculed for sensationally exploiting it. forcing the Leech into the sullied position of actually agreeing \‘JIttl Jack Straw. arguing some people need to 'get a sense of proportion'. Like Strathclyde Police and their response to Derek the cuckoo for instance.
I Yes. Derek the cuckoo. who got some of Plod's finest in a flap ‘.'/lttl his unc<impromising advert for high energy drink lrn Bru (32. smashing through a library wall, confronting a do/y student and insulting a bespectacled librarian in time- honoured ‘weegie hardmanese. Apparently. a bloke in a giant blue suit of feathers glamorises Violence. which explains why Derek's voice has subseguently been o\.’er'dubbed wrth an Oxbridge English accent. Well. so”). but as anyone who watches films knows. all glamorous. ‘.’l(I|OllS killers speak like well-bred Englishmen. Except the original James Bond of course
. . the cuckoo‘s 'luhhorl
THE SONY SPOOFI‘iG TLllGO LL
Tango ads” contribution to culture have so far been little more than giving kids yet another reason to slap each other but this is a work of genius. The Sony Bravia TV ad with thousands of balls bouncing down a San Francisco street was impressive, but to reprise this with a grocer's shop full of fruit pounding down a hill is just brilliant. You'd almost forgive them for that twatty orange man.
‘We're all going on a summer holiday/No more worries for me or you.‘ Whoever wrote that must have inhaled too much sunblock. Take two weeks off and what happens? You panic in the run-up to the break. take the first week to recover. start worrying about your return as the fortnight closes and spend your first week back regretting that you didn‘t relax a bit more on your hols.
5 PEOPLE WHO ARE MORE CLEVERER THAN WE THINK THEY ARE
They say that highly intelligent people have no common sense. Judging by this lot. they have bad advisors too.
Steve Martin Not for nothing was he in a film called The Man with Two Brains. as his Mensa rating suggests he has grey matter coming out of his ears. And yet. how does someone that intelligent go on to make movies as astonishingly awful as Cheaper by the Dozen and Pink Panthef? Maybe he's finally living up to his breakthrough movie, The Jerk?
m M Another high scorer on the IQ litmus test (154 apparently) who has made some barmy career ch0ices (the appropriately named Diabo/r'que and the risible S/r‘ver, anyone?). Could she be the ultimate dumb blonde? Then again, anyone who can convince the studios to make Basrc Instinct 2 has to have something going on upstairs as well as down.
Carol Vorderman How can anyone suggest that the COUntdown queen is anything other than the school swot with belts on? But how else can you explain her propensity for ill-advised daftness. Such as that dress she ‘wore' to the BAFTAS in 2000. and the time she wore an all-orange outfit to a St Patrick's Day party in 2004.
m 10". Making a generation of kids happy wrth his fixes; running marathons with a cigar hanging from his chops. All honourable actions. But can anyone who invited Louis Theroux into his home and is still in a position to get themselves dressed in the morning but goes out looking like that be anything less than sensibly-challenged?
Jade Goody “Saddam Hussein: is he a boxer Or summink?’ ‘They were trying to use me as an escape goat.‘ ‘Do they speak Portuganese in Portugal?‘ But could it all be one big fat act? Word has it that when she appeared on Jimmy Carr's panel show 8 Out of 10 Cats. all her many knowingly witty answers and recitals of poetry were edited from the final cut.