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He’s made a fun-filled career out of poems about dads, dogs, specs and spuds. But how did a football commentator make John Hegley cry?
Which time in history would you love to have Hved?
At a time when I would have lived to have loved. Because love is the one.
Your house is on fire, loved ones and pets are safe, you have a chance to go and retrieve one thing, what would it be?
The baked potatoes. That‘s what would happen to potatoes in a fire you see. and I don’t like waste. You were born in 1953 which means that later this year you will indeed be 53. What do you think about that?
The Queen got crowned in that year and it would be quite good to look at what happened in the newspaper in 1953. I‘m not good at the internet but you could probably find out. couldn‘t you? What was the last thing you stole?
My tai-chi teacher accused a colleague and I (I can‘t think what you call someone you do tai-chi with) of stealing valuable practising time from another pupil (or colleague) when we got him to show us a movement we were struggling with.
If you could wake up tomorrow with a new ability what would you like it to be?
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To speak and dance in French.
What’s your least favourite country?
Let's not get negative.
What do you like least about your life? There's one little thing that I set myself when I‘m domg the shows and that's to remember the names of the techniCians who work the show for me because I want to thank them at the end. And I‘m still failing to do that 50% of the time. Or 53% of the time.
Tell us the punchline to your favourite joke? ‘You've done nothing but moan Since you got here.‘ It‘s Sean Hughes' favourite Joke as well. What’s your favourite biscuit?
Fig Roll/Rich Tea. If I had to choose I‘d go for Fig Boll as I know it would make me more of an individual. This takes on a particular relevance because my Edinburgh show is called E/evenses. When did you last cry?
I think there was a tear of pride and icy during the Liverpool v Luton game when John Motson said that Luton were a tidy outfit.
Do gentlemen prefer blondes?
A gentleman keeps his preferences to himself. When did you last dance?
In the ‘Any Ouestions‘ bit at a school I was teaching in this week. a child said will you do some dancing? And I did.
What would be your ideal birthday present? A sequel to Flann O'Brien's Third Policeman recorded live with Charlie Parker.
What’s your biggest regret?
May I give you it in verse? 'I do regret rather never having had the chance/To go to France/With my father/Getting settled in a bar/With Monsieur Cantona/And he's joking with the waiter/And we all play football later.‘
Once, you got some people in your audience to get up on stage and Morris Dance while wearing someone else’s spectacles. What is your idea of public humiliation?
I actually once went into a women’s toilet by mistake and then I heard the voices of women come in and I realised what was going on and l was embarrassed. I didn't want them to find me out so I waited till they‘d gone and got out before someone else came in. A close shave.
Who would you like to see playing you in the film of your life?
I would like to be played by a potato and hopefully will.
When did you last laugh out loud while reading a book?
I like the bit in Mark Haddon‘s dog that got killed book where the boy had to have his beans not touching the egg.
Are you a good cook?
I do a vegetable stew which. with slight variation. turns into a Bolognese sauce or a lively curry. What’s your lucky number?
I do like the number 23 but I don't think it's what my lucky number is. it's just the fact of having one and all that implies is either belief or stupidity. What's the most rock’n’roll thing you’ve done today?
I went into the lovely Love Apple cafe in Bradford to organise a gig for me and my band. The Popticians, in the New Year.
Have you ever exploited your position to get something?
I did bang on the door of Luton Town FC after a sold-out match against Man City had started. The door opened and I said I had done stuff for the club and could I come in? They said I could come in for 53 quid.
Are you a cat or dog person?
Although I show my preferences for dogs. I also enjoy the company of our cat who is phenomenally playful for her age and is an example to us all.
The month of July plays host to such diversions as Baked Bean Month, World Population Day and Gut Week, but the national celebratory event, which by definition includes all activities on the planet is National Anti-Boredom Week. The burning question is, is anti-boredom boring? Here are some surprisineg interesting things about the uninteresting.
I Alan Caruba In a cruel twist of late. the man responsible for bringing to the entertainment- seeking masses an annual list of ‘the most boring celebrities of the year' courtesy of his now defunct humour site. The Boring Institute. has taken the whole thing a tad too seriously. Created as a spoof of bland media coverage. Caruba somehow internalised his worst fears by abandoning this attempt at humour to become a conservative debunker of media spin. Sounds like he debunked himself.
I Marvin The paranoid android from The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy should be National Boredom Week's mascot. His chronically depressed personality proves that being boring doesn‘t mean you can't be entertaining, since everyone knows that mental illnesses are hilarious. 'I think you ought to know I'm feeling very depressed.’ Comedy gold.
I TV The television was created so that man need never be bored again. Reality TV turns the act of being bored while watching other people being bored into an art form.
I Pococurantlsm Means boring, but what an interesting word. eh?
I The Internet It should be the antidote to boredom. with endless information at your fingertips. However, trawling through search engine links is in fact the cause of mind-melting apathy: wearineg dull due to repetitive. non- existent or tedious stimuli.
I Ennul Boredom. or its more stylish French counterpart ennui. means you don't want for anything. If you already have everything you must be the most content person on the planet. The next time someone complains they are bored. why not enlighten them with a Schopenhauer lecture on why they are actually happy.