He’s been a biographer of The Krays, is a director of Portsmouth FC, and has been on telly almost all of our lives. But what does FRED DINENAGE have in common with Winnie the Pooh?
Which time in history would you love to have Hved?
The 605. A brilliant. vibrant time for music. fashion and just about everything. I’d have loved to be young then. And, come to think of it, l was. Amazing how many of the bands (we called them groups in those days) are still around. And so. amazingly, am I.
Your house is on fire, loved ones and pets are safe, you have a chance to go and retrieve one thing, what would it be?
My old. battered word processor. Couldn't live without it. I've written two books on it — and hope to write more. How about my own life story: Fred Who?
What’s the longest time you’ve slept soundly in one go over the last five years?
Probably a couple of hours. I'm an insomniac. I‘ve always got too much on my mind.
Did the Krays have any redeeming features? Yes. they loved their mother. And they were generous to their friends.
How do you go about making science fun?
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Watch How 2. What we do IS always try and find the wow factor. Once you've got that, it's easy. And always make it Visual. And. if poss:ble. exploswe!
What's your least favourite country?
I suppose Iraq. We never been there but it seems such an unhappy place.
What do you like least about your life? Portsmouth football club losing.
What do you life best about you life? POrtsmouth Winning. No. I love my family, my friends and my work. Hope it all continues.
If you could wake up tomorrow and have obtained one ability what would it be?
To have a great Singing voice. I long to be able to sing like Pavarotti. As it is. I sound more like Winnie the Pooh.
How many times a day do you look in the mirror?
Several. Just to check my hair is still there.
Tell us the punchline to your favourite joke? ‘Tell me. what part of Lesbia are you from?‘ What’s your favourite biscuit?
Chocolate. Dark. Straight out of the fridge.
You could quit your job and start afresh tomorrow and have the skills to do something completely new. What would you choose to do?
I'd be a footballer. What easier way of making a fortune. travelling the world and keeping fit. all at the same time.
When did you last cry?
My father-in-law's funeral. I loved him and I still miss him.
Do gentlemen prefer blondes?
I‘m married to one. So. yes.
What, if anything is too serious to joke about?
Disability. Mental illness. Portsmouth Football Club.
What would be your ideal birthday present? Getting my youth back. Or a million quid.
Who would you like to see playing you in the film of your life and who do you think they would actually choose?
I would like Brad Pitt. I’d probably get Dale Winton.
What song would you hate to be played at your funeral?
Meatloaf’s ‘Like a Bat out of Hell.‘ Too close to the truth.
Are you a good cook?
No. I did a series for Meridian lTV called Two Many
Cooks but I was the one too many. Still, I love other people’s cooking. Usually.
Who’s the most clever presenter you’ve ever worked beside?
Jack Hargreaves. the inventor of How? way back in the 605, when I started on it. He was the greatest natural broadcaster I've ever seen. He could talk about anything forever, without a script. never repeat himself and never be boring. What’s your lucky number?
Ten. I've won a few things with it. It often comes up in the National Lottery; unfortunately the other numbers I pick don't.
What’s most rock’n’roll thing you’ve done today?
Had a nude swim early this morning. In my own pool. Alone. unfortunately.
Are you a cat or dog person?
Dog. I love ‘em and have had loads. We've currently got a wonderful little Whippet called Frankie. A great character and moves like lightning. Ask the local rabbits.
I How 2 is broadcast on Scottish, Fn', 3.55pm.
AndFIIally...
With National Vegetarian Week opening its arms to us like an abbatoir flinging its doors wide to welcome some meek little lambs, it’s time to reflect upon the people for whom the phrase “meat and two veg’ is quite simply a metaphor for male genitalia. So, here are some facts you might not know plus some knowledge you may have devoured in the past but still can’t quite befieve.
I Hitler was a veggie One of the great bits of fake propaganda peddled for years by the anti-vegetarian brigade. The moustachioed mentalist certainly went for long spells without consuming any cooked flesh. but the theory goes that this was simply to get his bloodlust up to boiling point for another savage attack on his enemies.
I Is vegetarianism in you horn birth? Apparently, the test here is that if you give a child an apple and a live chicken, the likelihood is that the nipper will immediately want to play with the chicken and eat the apple whereas a cat's instinct would be to do the exact opposite. This doesn't quite explain why so many kids seem to revel in pulling the heads from Barbie dolls and sticking them in their mouths while howling at the moon.
I Madonna was a veggie Maybe that was just one of the personae she was happy to shed sooner or later. Any road, when she got married in 2000, there was wild boar spitting on a roast. This would be a great time to make a joke about Guy Ritchie but we’ll leave that to you.
I My old schoolpal Paul McNamee was a veggie But gave it all up on holiday in Canada: with a mooseburger. Way to go, fella. I Breatharianlsm Vegetarians might think they’re all high and mighty but they are spat upon by the zealots of veganlsm That said. vegans are a bunch of lily- livered pansies compared to the breatharian lot. They believe that food and water are not necessary for survival and that a bit of sunlight every now and again is all the energy they require. The most high-profile advocate of this movement was Jasmuheen (not her real name) whose beliefs were put to the test by Australia's 60 Minute show. She failed on day one and claimed that the larder full of grub in her house was all for her starving husband. In 2000. she was presented with the Bent Spoon Award handed to the ‘perpetrator of the most preposterous piece of paranormal piffle.‘
I Mahatma Ohandl was a really good vegetarian But look at him: there's more meat on Woody Harrelson's pencil.
I Brilliantly named veggies and vegans Jorja Fox. Forest Whittaker. Kate Bush. Orlando Bloom, Kate Moss. Thora Birch, Fiona Apple.