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After a brain tumour operation went wrong, an Edinburgh-based author decided to publish her books through a vanity press. 80 why isn’t she getting any reviews, even though — as she claims — her books knock spots of the Da Vinci Code?
~ve always been a bit of a clown; I played a clown in
the street theatre I ran for one summer in Cornwall.
So I suppose it was natural that I should include clowns in the books I recently published. although they are referred to as ‘jesters' or ‘fools‘.
li'ii's. by lilysian Fields (one of my pen names). is a l2th century murder mystery. incorporating philosophy and theology. riddles. clues and codes. I had the help of a Benedictine monk from Buckfast Abbey and Lord St. Levan. Iii/inhingh Knights. by lilaine Pomm. is also a murder mystery. It‘s a feminist fantasy fiction; and like Ii‘ti's. has lots of historical and biblical facts. riddles and codes. While based in lbth century Edinburgh. it links directly to the 20th century. and is quite raunchy in pans. Both books mention the Holy Grail.
Interestingly. St Bartholomew’s Hospital in London was founded by Rahere. the fool of King Henry I. St Bartholomew‘s was the I hospital that operated on my brain tumour in l‘)88. The medics messed up the operation. couldn‘t graft my brain and accidentally broke my nose. I was so badly overdosed on steroids that l was bedridden for many years and nearly died. Then. when the BIA temporarily dropped my income for 5 years. I had to give tip the house I owned and found myself homeless in Edinburgh. Due to what were now permanent disabilities. there was no way I could ever work again. so the only option left was for me to write. It took a big chunk out of my benefit monies to print and post the manuscripts to various publishers and literary agents. only to discover they rarely read them. The few who did. although they gave positive feedback. usually replied that they were inundated and couldn‘t take any more. But of course I couldn't send them to more than a
dozen in all those years due to my financial situation.
One of the publishers l'd sent [city to was Daw publishing in the States. part of the Penguin group. It got through the first reading; I was thrilled. However. they were very behind on their reading list. and when I asked the man I was liaising with how long I would have to wait for the second reading he replied. ‘l'm willing to bump you forward to the “first look" pile as a squeaky wheel bonus. as in "the squeaky wheel gets oiled".’ I haven't heard from him in two years.
Authorhouse had emailed me several times during this period. They offer a POD (print on demand) service. This means that you get to see your manuscript in print. but the author pays retail price for every book they need. even those for reviews. However. when I received the email from Daw. and having no oil for wheels squeaky or otherwise. when Dan Brown‘s book about the Grail came out. I decided to publish with Authorhouse. I believed that at the very least I'd get the
10 THE LIST 1 1—25 May 2006
FORCED TO GO INTO DEBT TO BUY THE BOOKS FOR REVIEWS
press to review them. so I'd be certain of publicity. particularly in Scotland with Edinburgh Knigth Having been forced to borrow the money. self edit without anyone to proofread my work prior to publication. I managed to produce two excellent novels. I was forced to go into debt to purchase the books I needed for reviews. but all the papers I sent these copies to now claim they have no idea if they arrived. as their offices are in chaos. I even phoned the .S't'ots'niun. who invited me to send the book. However. after a few weeks I hadn’t heard. so emailed them. The reviews editor replied that he had no idea if my book had arrived. but if it had and the reviewer had noticed it was vanity published they wouldn’t have bothered opening it. just donated it to charity. This book cost me three meals to purchase and post. I‘d even sent an accompanying letter; and after all. the book was called Edinburgh Knights which should have interested the Scotsman Although the book is a murder mystery based in lbth century Edinburgh. it does mention Diana and Dodi. I had a lovely letter from Mr. Al Fayed's spokesman: ‘He wishes you every success - advises you to give your publishers hell. so that they generate maximum publicity for your novel and ensure that review copies are sent to all the literary editors of the major UK newspapers.‘ Sadly. it isn‘t easy to work as a writer when you’re on benefits. particularly when you don‘t have a publisher who will do this. It seems no one is interested in giving a helping hand to a disabled pleb in a council flat. Not even the arts charities. I never realised the stigma associated with self publishing.
Diana Princess of Wales longed to be the Queen of
Hearts. Sadly. my destiny seems to be the Clown of Hearts.
lctis and Edinburgh Knights can be purchased at authorhouse.com.
The Da Vinci Code
PLUCKING FRUITS FROM THE CULTURAL BUSH
I Amazuiq casting news: about the Michael Hutchence biopic IS hitting the mill of rumours. Followmg unconfirmed tales that Johnny Depp is being linedup to play the (lead AtiSSie rocker. word is tip that Kate Moss Will be continuing her rehabilitation by playing the equally dead Paula Yates . . . Meanwhile. casting worries are getting poor old Ouentln Tarantino down. Seems that the one-time enfant terrible of pulp cinema is prepared to ditch his Jlml Hendrix bio proiect should he tail to find the right man to transform himself into the legendary guitar-licker . . It's most unlikely that Damon Albarn would be up for the role. and in any case. he seems like a busy enough bee. Latest news is that his Gorilla: will co-write an opera entitled Monkey Journey to the West alongsrde German company Staatsoper and Chinese director Chen Shi- Zheng . . . Another unlikely-ish collaboration arrives with news that Johnny Vegas and Russell Grant are taking part in a new television makeover show in which they wrll be sent to a health farm for three months to build up muscles. get sunbed sessons and gain access to personal stylists. ITV. Sky One and Living TV are all battling for the rights to screen the show which will culminate with the chaps posing naked for a Cosmopolitan photo shoot. None of which bares thinking about it . . . Given her past life as a gender war columnist in Sex and the City. Sarah Jessica Parker must have picked up a copy or two of Cosmo in her time. But her new role is as far as it could get from that sparkly show as she stars in Vacancy. in which a couple are unwittingly embroiled into the production of a snuff film. Nice.