thLEECH
Sucking the blood of popular entertainment
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Remember when BBC schedules were cast asunder in favour of five hours of grind from Cliff Thorburn and Steve Davis? How times have changed. The one-time George Clooney of the green baise. Jimmy White. is now a marketing tool for HP sauce (he changed his name to Jimmy Brown for them) and Ronnie O'Sullivan is more famous for his chemical abuse than his potting prowess. The revival starts here. Football is corporate cack. love snooker instead!
Everything in life is a con: the lottery. silicon implants. everything. However. one thing promises so much but delivers less than you could ever imagine. Pay slightly over the odds for access to a vast array of foodstuffs. Gorge on one plateful only to find that you can't manage a nine- course feast and those spring rolls mean you can‘t fit in any of the congealing
I In anCient times. heroes were few and far between, as only a capable elite could admit their mum had been
wonders winking at you from under the heat lamps. And you thought you might get something for nothing.
‘surprised by Zeus disguised as a goose'. This was in spite of monsters to vanquish, dusky slaves to wench and fleeces for fleecing on the whim of a bored deity. Throughout the Middle Ages. heroes arose from the aristocracy.
FIVE CARPENTERS
Jesus saw it as the trade for him, had the whole being the son of God lark gone pear shaped. Here are just a few of our favourite chippies.
With the blue—blooded nincompoops eventually ceasmg to tilt at Windmills to
steal from their fellow rich and give to the
poor. though they continued interbreeding at rates that made the X- Men, in the opinion of Dr Jean Grey. ‘fucking inevitable'.
l Yet it wasn't until glam rock arrived that ordinary men and women c0uld gaze upon the extraordinary manwoman wonder of Marc Bolan and proclaim: ‘A celestial being in sequins and he's from Hackney! That could be me!‘ Almost overnight. practically everyone started dreaming they could swum. like the dolphins. like dolphins can swim. Either because they were on drugs or they were David BOWie — Just off them.
I These days. in the IWilight of androgynous rock stars. we're encouraged to search for the hero inSide ourselves. But that little ball of compassion towards our fellow being has been stuffed into the glove compartment of whatever car that terrible M-People song is flogging. Old-
12 THE LIST 3O Mar—13 Apr 2006
Super-hero
fashioned derring-do and valour are now corporate property. as the Leech learned. Via the glowing red Leechaphone. absentmindedly left on the radiator. 'Whatl’? Marvel Comics want to make the phrase ‘super-hero‘ their own trademark. Holy shady monopoly Batman! Don't get in a flap though Bruce! The Leech. a tights- wearing pervert who routinely scales buildings trying to catch the attention of two estranged daughters. Will never countenance Such greed and vows to bring Marvel's entire empire crashing down iust as soon as shooting wraps on Spider- Man 3!
I Heroism is bunk and none more so than the patronismg strain attached to Special Olympians. If you‘ve Witnessed the video for Garth Brooks' ‘Standing Outside the Fire'. in which the mulleted country antlchrist goads some poor kid With Down's Syndrome round and round a running track. you'll understand what the Leech means. Far more watchable is the Farrelly Brothers' new film, The Ringer, With Johnny Knoxwlle playing an able-bodied competitor who sneaks into the Games and has his preiudices confounded. Rather more dubious is the proposed biopic of autistic basketball hotshot Jason McElwain. which is set to star Chris Parker, AKA simpenng tWit Spencer Moon from EastEnders. Now that is offensive.
Harry
In his heyday the broadcasting legend. 'Arry, as Frank Bruno liked to call him — was more famous than most of the boxers he attempted to get a few words of clarity from. He was astute. quick witted and relatively tiny. The Beeb just don’t make them like this any more.
Karen
Along with big brother Richard she whittled out slivers of pop magic for almost a decade. The pair also sang for Nixon and visiting German president Willy Brandt at the Whitehouse in 1973. Despite her fragile frame. she was in possession of the deepest type of female singing voice — a contralto.
John
The genius filmmaker who inspired the likes of Robert Rodriguez deserves our love for Halloween, Escape From New York and Assault on Precinct 13 but also for having a helicopter pilot's licence and being not only the director but the composer of the soundtracks to his movies.
Joseph
Always in the shadows at those pivotal Bib/e moments. Joe diligently plied his trade despite his family's shenanigans. keeping them afloat through thick, thin, donkey rides and virgin births.
Bob
All, right. this is pushing it a little. but Bob Dylan's real surname is Robert Zimmerman and as all self- respecting Euro-scholars surely know. Zimmermann is German for carpenter. so he's a woodworker too.