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tfieLEECH
Sucking the blood of popular entertainment
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From Stansted . . .
I The Leech was in London. ostenSibly for Fashion Week and the Baftas. but in reality stalking James McAvoy. Frustratingly though. the fashion police didn‘t like the cut of the Leech's sartorially sarcastic gib. Your anti-fur correspondent was slung from the Elle party just at the mm of asking the award-Winning McAvoy to get his own wardrobe in order. producers having cut the Glaswegian from the next Narnia adaptation. Feeling rejected and sporting the tatty. synthetic fibres of 17 seasons ago. the perenially hairy Leech sought out PETA's delegation, finding camraderie, tofu quiche and giddy delight in pelting Paris Hilton with flour bombs.
4.“
I Radicalism is everywhere nowadays. though not necessarin in the places you expect. Citing anti- terrorism laws. Luton Airport authorities recently arrested six people on a flight from Germany, including actors Farhard Harun. Shafiq RuSuI and Rhuhel Ahmed. returning from the Berlin Film Festival and promotion of The Road to Guantanamo. The Silver Bear-Winning feature is the stay of the Tipton Three. who set off for Pakistan to arrange a wedding but ended up in Afghanistan, whereupon they were sent to Guantanamo before being
12 THE LIST 2—16 Mar 2006
released in 2004 Without charge. Still. if the face fits. eh'? Bediordshire Police blame excellent casting.
I Meanwhile. it seems a dissident has infiltrated the highest symbolic office in the land through the dastaidly ruse of being born into it. The Leech had assumed Prince Charles” political actiVism was confined to criticising modern architecture. lobbying the plants in his greenhouse and abolutely anything that stopped him fantasisuig about being Camilla’s tampon. It seems Charles' interference in state matters extended little further than pissing off the Chinese. thereby continuing his father's life work. but it appears our bonnie prince believes himself a rebel. “working against the prevailing political consensus. PreSumably that same consensus that thinks fox hunting is a bloodthirsty pastime for posh twats. If he really wanted to serve the hOi mild and fight the government. he'd pour the money from his Duchy of Cornwall cornflakes into bankrolling the forthcoming movie based on Princess Diana: The Hidden Ewdence. a book that alleges MIG plotted the assassination of his ex-wife. He could give it the royal seal of approval. Like Weetabix.
I Opting to return to PreSIWiCk Via London Stansted. rather than Luton. the Leech was terrified to share no- frills discomfort with a real terrorist. former UFF leader Johnny Adair. POOr old Mad Dog couldn't scamper off the flight quick enough and was welcomed back by three heaw,’ set policemen. Quite what such a staunch loyalist is dOing flying Ryanair is open to Question. Seats reeking of vomit. sleeping stewards and angry fellow passengers invading the cockpit. Didn't he see Dispatches”?!
- BISCUIT CITY
We've had cardboard city. inner city. even Bristol City so the invention of a Biscuit City seems almost too natural for words. Song Dong. a Beijing- based artist has created a metropolis using only bourbons and custard creams. It has been shown and eaten in Selfridges in London and The List's attempts to create “Fish City' in the middle of Buchanan Galleries hasn‘t quite met with the same response.
DUBAI
How fake can you get? Preened palm trees. gold-plated everything and nothing dating back past 1995. It may be the Las Vegas of the east. but without the glitten'ng casinos. wacky-themed hotels or Celine Dion. it just doesn't cut it. Take away the daily sunshine and the billion-dollar buildings, and Dubai‘s just a camel- poop covered desert. And that's just gross . . . isn't it?
5 PLASTIC PADDYS
There they go, with tricolours around their shoulders and shamrocks in their lapels. And they're not even bleedin' Irish. Ah begorrah.
Lira
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John Kerry In the run-up to the 2004 US election. doubts arose about Kerry‘s heritage and he has since acknowledged that voters in Massachusetts, America's most Irish-American state. may have been under an erroneous impression that his ancestors were from the Emerald Isle. 20 years ago he commented on 'those fortune enough to share an Irish ancestry'.
Bing Crosby The popular American singer and actor Crosby played up his heritage through his career. He won an Academy Award for his role in the film Gomg My Way which included the hit ‘When Irish Eyes are Smiling'. He also released an Irish CD Collection and a film called A Little Bit of Irish. But his birthplace. Washington, is as Celtic as Ian Paisley.
St Patrick He may be their patron saint. but he wasn't even born there. In fact, the only thing we know for certain about his birth is that it has been linked to just about everywhere else around these isles and even to Northern France. Pat was sent to Ireland as one of thousands of slaves.
Michael Flatley Born and raised in Chicago. Flatley turned to the Land of the Leprechauns for inspiration. Since then, he's used and reused every Oirish step and stereotype to create Riverdance and tour the world with it. In 2003 he was awarded the prestigious Irish-American of the Year award.
Celtic fans They play in a Scottish league and represent Scotland when they're playing in European competition. But their fans are more likely to belt out an Irish folk song like ‘The Fields of Athenry' than to indulge in “Flower of Scotland“. And have you looked at their team sheet? They've got more Poles in their starting eleven than Eire internationals.