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I After the least auspicious debut since the Titanic. it looks like Roy
Sucking the blood of popular entertainment
Keane's problems are far from over, as
his infamous bust-up with ex-Ireland boss Mick McCarthy is about to be recreated on a Scottish stage. With togas and swords! Stalking football's most dedicated dog walker through the tongue-lashed corpses of successive team mates. the musical I. Keano was a hit in Dublin, arrives in Manchester in March and then. subject to its chorus line passing a medical. is seeking a transfer to Glasgow. And after that. anywhere else the midfield destroyer feels like destroying team morale.
I The play. which transplants events surrounding Keane's walkout at the last World Cup to ancient Rome is now a ‘commercially viable' proposition in Glasgow according to I. Keano and Father Ted writer Arthur Matthews. who exclusively confirmed to the Leech it would almost certainly ‘probably' happen. Doubtless Celtic boss and culture vulture Gordon Strachan will appreciate its transformation of Sir Alex Ferguson into a dolphin god. confirming his sniping former mentor's current status as an endangered species.
I Also on the market. yet overlooked. has been Quentin Tarantino. That's ‘has been' rather than ‘has-been' inCIdentally. Kill Bill wasn't overlong and overrated. no ma'am. Whinnying about the James Bond producers not calling him for Casino Boya/e. the director complained ‘they should at least out of courtesy have had coffee with me'. Having met Tarantino in an Amsterdam coffeeshop however. the Leech can testify to their wisdom in not sharing intimate seating and stimulants with the American. Coming off the back of horrible
12 THE LIST 19 Jan—2 Feb 2006
PETER TATCHELL
jumules May all the gay Gods bless Peter Tatchell, the man who carries the “in “fun” heaviest of crosses so we don‘t have 5. N|‘e° to. He went from being an Australian Guys can't window dresser who enjoyed L “‘e hanging out wrth the venerable Derek muffVQ H ' Jarman to campaigning against all QUEER the many wrongs in this world. With
homophobic reggae artists, President Mugabe and Robbie Williams currently in his sights he needs all the help he can get.
LOUD ADVERTS
PARDON? SORRY, I CAN’T QUITE HEAR YOU! I THINK I'M GOING A BIT DEAF FROM HOW LOUD THESE BLOODY ADVERTS ARE! THE ADVERTISERS BLAME THE TV SHOWS FOR BEING TOO QUIET BUT I DON'T BUY THAT! I REALLY DON'T NEED TO HEAR THE ADS IN THE NEXT ROOM! THE CLEVERNESS OF ADVERTISING IS LESSENED BY BEATING US OVER THE HEAD WITH THE PUNCHLINE!
5 ULTIMATE FITNESS DVDS
How hard can it be to make a fitness DVD? Martine McCutcheon. Geri Halliwell and Big Brother‘s Anthony and Nadia have all managed it. but who's next?
reviews for his stage acting. he looked like shit warmed up and poured into a parka jacket, 1 1 scuzzballs short of a Dirty Dozen remake. Even so. he was courteous enough to politely refuse a photo and extend a handshake. despite a Royale with Cheese repeatedly being thrust at him to autograph. Later. after he shuffled off into the night. Quent and the Leech pursued markedly different career trajectories. Still. he's doing OK now.
Madonna’s Insider Guide to Yogilates
As pioneered by the mum on The GO. if it sounds hugely convoluted, well. that's because it is. Taking ideas from any old self-help book snatched out of Carol Caplin's desk drawer. Burn those calories making leaps onto whichever bandwagon rolls by. Gay Disco? Up we go! 80s breakdance chic? Hop aboard!
I With the public. distressed at the treatment of gorilla-garbed 80s pop stars and pathetic glamour models. increasingly favouring celebrity culling as a humane alternative to reality TV. Robbie Williams and Orlando Bloom are looking at safer ways of hogging the limelight. Both, it seems. would like to make people laugh, intentionally if possible. Williams. speaking to laugh-a- paragraph newspaper Die Zeit. has told how he may one day follow his comedian father into obscurity. while Bloom has begun taking clowning lessons for when his looks fade and directors across the globe smack collective palms to baseball caps and wail: ‘What was I thinking?! Even with the big red nose and floppy shoes he's got less presence than the scenery!‘
Leslie Grantham’s Jizzercise
Former EastEnders bad lad makes use of his on-set down time interfering wrth his trouser snake in not so private spaces. The real exertion comes from running away from former cast i'nembers y0u insulted on camera. Look out for the bonus disc as Derek Hafton guest stars in Arbitration-else.
The Mrs T Plan
Julie Walters and Victoria Wood sit about on their fat arses drinking tea and eating sticky buns, talking about how. if they got up off their fat arses and got some exercise their arses wouldn't be quite so fat. A sequel to the highly successful Boy/e Family Couch Aerobics — What '3 the Bloody Remote? DVD.
Oliver Reed’s Drunkercise
Also known as The I 2-Step or Elbow Plan. Ollie shows how to supplement a diet of pure undiluted booze with pork scratchings and the occasional arm wrestling sesswn with a sailor or a Quick game of running across the village square with the lot of them at the ankles.
Max and Paddy’s Furious Barrel-Scraping Wallet Fitness Plan
Enjoy the barely submerged homoerotic tension as two fictional club doormen strip down and get loose. Hear jokes being stretched to their breaking pomt and break a sweat as yet another ‘cheery. cheeky northerner' gag is put through the wringer.