Rear View ANswER MACHINE
‘ - _ _ 2005 was quite a year for
ALI SMITH. Having won a slot for herself on the Booker Prize shortlist for the second time and, surely more prestigiously, gaining a top 20 position in this very magazine’s Hot 100, life must be as sweet as it gets for the Inverness-born, Cambridge-based author. But what does she have against cats, dogs and ‘The Birdy Song’?
Which time in history would you
love to have lived?
19105 and 1920s. maybe in Scandinavia or France or Germany. I'd have loved to have been working for the film industry there because of pre-sound cinema and the many brilliant ways it tells a stOry; I’d have loved to be there at its beginnings.
Your house is on fire, loved ones and pets are safe, you have a chance to go and retrieve one thing, what would it be?
My taped—off-TV—by—chance video of Dusty Springfield singing ‘Son of a Preacher Man’ on The Ed Sullivan Show.
What’s the longest time you’ve slept soundly in one go over the last five years?
About 15 hours. after three days of no sleep in Sri Lanka.
96 THE LIST t'>—"i: JAN 7271.-
What was the last thing you stole?
Four reams of A4 paper from the digital phone company my friend works for. Well, borrowed with permission.
What’s your least favourite country?
I’d say the USA because. mystifyingly, the American people re-elected Bush, and because we're at war, still, and will be again, shortly. And then there’s the UK’s mystifying obeisance to the USA government. What’s the most rock’n’roll thing you’ve done today?
Got up late? Eaten a Ripple for lunch?
If you could wake up tomorrow and have obtained one ability, what would it be?
The ability to speak and understand all languages. How many times a day do you look in the mirror?
Three or four.
You could quit your job and start afresh tomorrow with the skills to do something completely new. What would you choose? Write songs for musicals.
Do you consider yourself organised? How often do you have to look for your keys?
I am organised but neurotic. Which means my keys are generally there but I generally think they aren’t. What’s the punchline to your favourite joke? ‘Park in it, man!’
What, if anything, is too serious to joke about?
Nothing.
What’s your favourite biscuit?
McVities chocolate digestive.
What would be your ideal birthday present? Breakfast in bed and a day lying in the sun in the garden.
What song would you hate to be played at your funeral?
‘The Birdy Song‘.
When did you last laugh out loud while reading a book?
Last week when I was reading Tove Jansson‘s short stories. They’re charming and very funny.
Have you ever exploited your position to get something? Did you get the results you hoped for?
I once booked into a hotel telling them I was writing a book about hotels. But the nicest room I ever got was from a girl behind the reception in a hotel who worked out I liked Buffy the Vampire Slayer and gave me the best room in the place.
Who would you like to play you in the film of your life? Who do you think the studio would actually pick?
Chloe Sevigny please, though it’s more likely to be Pauline Quirke (whom I also like a lot).
When did you last dance?
About two weeks ago. The Temptations‘ ‘Get Ready’ is impossible not to dance to.
Can you cook? If so, what’s your signature dish?
No, I’m too lazy. Bacon and beans.
When did you last cry? What was the reason? Last week. l was in Morocco with Medecin Sans Fronti‘eres. and I saw the worse-than-slum conditions that sub-Saharan illegal immigrants were living in.
What makes you good at what you do?
Luck.
What’s your lucky number? Can you tell me how it has proved to be so.
All of them. I’ve always been lucky with numbers. What’s your biggest regret?
That I didn‘t talk more to my mum while she was alive, about a whole lot of things including things about her family that are now impossible to find out.
Am I O O O
Are you a cat or dog person?
I think I’m a monkey person. Or a bee person. What’s your all-time favourite sitcom? Why? I think it‘s One Foot in the Grave. It has reduced me to crying with laughter more than once.
What do you like least about your life?
The days aren‘t long enough.
What do like best about your life?
I’m my own boss. most of the time.
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Resolutions
New Year Resolutions are funny things. l vote for them to be more positive. less challenging experiences. Life is hard enough at times without having to pile on extra pressure at a time when we are often at Our weakest. Who wants to exercise when it's cold? What really wants to eat salad and wheatgerm when it's snowing outside? Do you really want to splash out on a gym membership when that Christmas spend melted your Visa card? There's a good reason why bears hibernate: because it's bloody miserable. and if hibernation isn't an option. the only way is to be realistic about our resolutions. Here are some that might actually be manageable: I Talk to someone you’ve never really spoken to much at work before.
I Read that book you were lent by a friend and never quite got round to.
I Walk. Don’t run.
I Eat something you don't like the idea of. just in case it turns out that you do like it.
I Burn someone a compilation CD. Or if you’re old school make them up a C-90.
I Make a phone call to someone you haven't heard from in a while.
I Go out and support your local sports team rather than watching sport on TV.
I Recycle.
I Wave indiscriminately at boats, lorries or low flying planes.
I Say hello, but not in a Lionel Richie way.
I Smile at a stranger in an awkward moment of silence.
I Break a habit but don't make a big deal about it. I Flick through The List, pick something at random you’ve never done before and do it. I Write a letter (or even. at a push. an email) to someone you've lost touch with.
I Go to your nearest beach and watch the waves for half an hour.
I Get on a double decker bus and take it to the last stop, looking at everything above street level. I Pay someone a compliment when they least expect it.
I Learn something new.
I Do the Monkees walk down the street with someone.