thl-EECH
Sucking the blood of popular entertainment A much maligned beast, salt is a
fundamental part of life. What about all those old ladies who don't fall t over in the winter thanks to its ice- combating properties? And it makes food taste of something. Smoking ban? It’s only a matter of time before we get a salt ban in restaurants. Should the actions of a reckless, heart attack-prone few allow us who enjoy seasoning in moderation to suffer? I don’t think so.
DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES
Kenny I w F h “
Wisteria Lane was once a weird and fascinating place. It may have been no more real than the fabulous Manhattan of Sex and the City, but the huge can of stupidity opened up towards the end of series one hints that things can only go south from here. Can we weather another series of Gabrielle’s infidelities, Bree’s hang-ups or Susan’s ditziness? Another depressing case of women being defined by their men.
I Oscar Wilde would have declared nothing but his amazement. The thought would have got under Cole Porter's skin and might even have silenced Kenny Everett for a second or two — homosexuality is in danger of becoming passe. commoner than Clapham and, handling of the ’pokes relationship. for once, Little Britain's not to blame. never once exploited for nudge-nudge Though as a precaution you might want laughs.
to have David Walliams taken outside I And now there are civil partnership
confirmed the Leech's prejudices. About D-list celebrities.
I Then there was Brokeback Mountain. the film about gay cowboys that had the Leech spluttering popcorn in disgust at its Outrageously mature and sensitive
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and shot before Matt Groening actually casts him in The Sirnpsons. Someone please at least neuter the randy menace.
I Certainly, the Leech is old and senile enough to recall a time when single sex relations offered a tantalising alternative to the ‘family values' lifestyle preached and occasionally practised by MPs; when gay men aspired to more
Lady golfer
glamorous professions than showbusiness and when “lady golfers’ was still the contradictOry term it is at most Scottish golf clubs. Like the majority of confirmed heterosexuals, the Leech never stops wondering what it's like being gay, but recent events have rather alienated your correspondent from Dorothy.
I It all began when the Leech, busily minding other people's affairs, spotted Colin and Justin striding like two abnormally well-attired Greek deities amidst Glasgow's hobbit hoi polloi. along that chic boulevard known as . . . Sauchiehall Street. They might as well have been sporting matching caps and tracksuits for all this sorry vision
12 THE LIST 5—19 Jan 2006
ceremonies taking place across Britain. Yet the Leech's invrte to Sir Elton's nuptials never materialised. Elton and the Leech haven't been on speaking terms since 1989's dreadful Sleeping With the Past album, or indeed before that. but the Leech was happy to bury any outstanding hatchets for the kind of spread Reg usually lays on. Sadly, the Leech was deemed not so much ‘immediate family' as ‘immediately escortable from the premises'. though not before snapping the pics that'll fetch a queen's ransom from the tabIOids.
I Finally, there's even been religious endorsement of homosexuality by God’s representative on earth. Sir Cliff Richard, successful celibate. twiddling thumbs without a Christmas single to inflict, has spoken Out ab0ut the Church’s need to ‘deal with' gays and lesbians. In a brief message. Sir 0le said: ‘There are gay peOple in the world. Some of them are very talented. Some of them could be great priests.“ Early reports suggest that the great peals of laughter which greeted the Russen doll- layered ironies of this statement could be heard echoing all the way from Heaven.
Sir Cliff
Ronald McDonald
Internationally renowned ginger clown famed for pithy one-liners and questionable forays into Europe. Head of an overblown, unhealthy organisation founded on morally unsound principles, and goes to great pains to retain a monopoly in its field. Gordon Strachan and Eck McLeish currently fighting for the starring role.
Nelson Mandela
Extended periods filmed inside a prison cell or inside his garish wardrobe. Either way, it‘s painful viewing. The old terrorist/freedom fighter arguments of yore are brushed under the bloodstained carpet. Jamie Foxx dusts down Eddie Murphy's best ethnic accent — last seen in Coming to America — to take centre stage.
Moby Dick
The ker-azay slapstick tragi-comic story of a “real big personality' and his encounter with a tiny human man trapped somewhere deep in his oesophagus. Robert DeNiro returns to his method acting best, piling on 150.000lbs for the ‘challenging’ role of Dick. Not sure how he'll manage the tall but he's a very versatile fella.
David Beckham
A very good footballer who played football a lot very well and married a scrawny not-really-a-singer girl and had some kids and gave them all funny names. There’s only one man in Hollywood bland enough to play Becks: Orlando Bloom, the cinematic equivalent of a low fat diet decaf yoghurt.
The Queen
While it might seem like a snazzy idea to have the monarch's reign interpreted by the members of the band Queen. we can‘t remember when she last had a black bouffant. Enlisting Little Britain’s king/queen of cross-dressing Matt Lucas to play the only monogamous person in the palace could work out just dandy instead.