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DRAGONS'DEN
It’s the Pop Idol of business, but much, much better. This BBCZ sleeper hit has people pitching their business ideas or inventions to a panel of scary investors. When those presenting dry up or screw up, it’s worse (and even better viewing) than Darius’ first audition, and when the greedy experts get turned on by an excellent proposal it makes your heart soar to see the Ordinary Joes shifting into a position of power.
SENSES
Not all smells, tastes or sounds, mind. There‘s just something about sensual messages in the wrong context. Roast beef can smell moreish, honey tastes like the embodiment of sweet nature and the sound of your lover kissing you is sublime. But smell that beef on a crowded train; taste that honey on a
Sucking t
[a What messages are musicians sending to our kids nowadays? In one glam rocker's case. best not to
pencil someone borrowed off you and hear a couple snogging on the bus and you‘ve just got to throw up.
Spt-thllale. though the Leech imagines 12 Vietnamese men good and true with a VICW. Crosshairs on it too. Ihen there's so Cent. urging parents to buy his computer game. if only to teach
FIVE SHOWBIZ SPATS
Unless you’re on the receiving end of a fist. everyone loves a punch-up. Especially when it‘s celebs lamping each other. Here are some recent culture clashes.
youngsters the consequences of violence and the commercial exploitation thereof. For the
l, eech's pocket money though. France has the right idea. tyidently embracuig le syllabus de Jacques Noir, culture and arts llléjIOfS Wlll now be examined on the works of Jimi Hendrix. ‘Ecoute/ et rcpete/ that Jean—Claude!‘ yOu might be thinking. And yet. the suburbs of Paris have scarcely stopped resetinding to 'Let me stand next to your fire!' lately. Vive la rewsionl Meanwhile. the Leech flew to Copenhagen. hoping to bid farewell to the latest spirit to join Hendrix and Formby in six-string heaven. Regrettably. Link Wray was already dead by the time the Leech arrived at his funeral. Back in 19538 however. when the IIIUSIC world lived in a pre- Fall like innocence and a baby Mark E. Smith had yet to curse his first word. Wray's invention of the power chord
momentarily made headbanging look less tragic. Moreover. Jimmy Page. Bruce Springsteen and Bob Dylan are only some of the big naiiic-s to have claimed him as an influence. After years of playing air goitar. the Leech never
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improved. but Wray remained an inspiration till the end. when the constant whirlwind of fresh atmosphere
prompted a hernia in your columnist. Eil HaVing been heckled 'Bob Dylan!‘ for attempting to play Judas as a mumbling folk singer l.'l a particularly radical natiVity play. the Leech long ago learnt the importance of enunciation. Mind you. flagrant disregard for the linglish language hasn't stopped the fragrant l:nya shifting a billion records or becoming Beelzebub’s bride-elect. Incidentally. what witchcraft are Irish women practising these days? Her sister in Clannad is beautifully preserved. Edna O'Brien still looks great from a distance in the dark with the Celtic twilight behind her. Those Corrs are in their 50s. you know anyway. the l. eech digiesses . . . eye of newt. toe of bat. slug of Baileys probany _ . . Yeah. Enya. not content With singing in EIVish on the Lord of the Rings soundtrack. a tune that had the Leech howling like a pregnant orc. has released an album with three tracks in I_oXian. That's LoXiaii. the ‘futuristic language from a distant planet' deVised by her lyricist Reina Ryan. who has cOncocted an entire alphabet and history for these fantastic piano-owning beings. The Leech genuinely wonde s if our future alien overlords could have conceived a more fiendish plan for enslaVing the middle- classes.
ii..t.;trcus v Jean The usually calm atmOSphere of Radio 4’s Midweek programme was ripped asunder when Darcus Howe appeared to accuse Joan Rivers of being racist. Life began to imitate an for Jackie Collins when she found herself between a tall black man and a surgically-enhanced New York dame going at it hammer and tongs.
Gordon v Joan Spotting Joan Collins in the corner of one of his swanky cafes. Gordon Ramsay sauntered over to say hello. only to boil over when he saw that she was dining with his mortal enemy, food Critic AA Gill. He ‘politely' asked them to leave. Ramsay's mum demanded that her wee boy apologise to Joanie and then slammed the fucking phone down on him.
lil‘ii";ritri.3t"y tr Kills: We‘ve had Oasis versus Blur and Eminem versus. well. everybody. but never was there such handbags at dawn as when the Killers and the Bravery went at it. ‘People will see through them,‘ raged Killers lead man Brandon Flowers. 'They're incredibly boring.‘ fumed Bravery guitarist Michael Zacharin. At least rappers shoot each other.
Mag v Porky Summoning up the ghost of Anne Bancroft on Wogan in 198?, Meg Ryan went silent over some probing from Michael ParkinSOn over her tedious sexual thriller In the Cut. That he was accused of adopting an “aggressive approach“ by Ryan's people is hilarious since the last time Parky asked a tOugh question, he was recovering from an emu bite.
t}..ili’ii;'iii v Ayatollah The daddy Of them all as Salman Rushdie writes a stOry. the Iranian spiritual guide takes the huff and asks all and sundry to assassinate the bearded bibliophile in order to ensure the t 7 virgins in paradise and all that. The Far Right took Rushdie to their hearts and he took to hiding
‘ behind Bono's leather coat-tails.