Born in eastern Europe but raised in Belfast and London, KATIE MELUA called off our search to find the next bright young female thing in the singer-songwriter world. But could it be that she wants to be a man? And why doesn’t she get on well with Yorkshire Puddings?
Which time in history would you love to have fived?
I'd have to say in Oscar Wilde's time or when Chopin or Beethoven were about. Seeing Chopin play the piano would have been amazing.
Your house is on fire, loved ones and pets are safe. You have a chance to go and retrieve one thing. What would it be?
It would have to be my guitar. Or my songwriting books.
What’s the longest time you’ve slept soundly in one go over the last five years?
I'm good at that. actually. I once went 24 hours. though I did get out of bed once and then went back to sleep. I wasn't sick or anything. it was just raining outside.
What was the last thing you stole?
That would have been a lip balm when l was 14. What’s your least favourite country?
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Although I love the place. I'd have to say Turkey. The men have this habit of spitting. You know those ashtrays that they have in front of the lifts in hotel hallways? I put my purse down on one and it looked completely clean. there was no ash but when I picked it up I felt something slimy on my finger. It was a big gob from some guy. I nearly threw up. It was the most revolting thing ever.
What’s the most rock’n’roll thing you’ve done today?
I would probably say singing one of Queen's songs with Brian May playing right next to me.
How many times a day do you look in the mirror’.’
When I'm having my hair and make-up done, it usually means facing the mirror for about an hour. The view can get quite boring after a while.
You could quit your job and start afresh tomorrow with the skills to do something completely new. What would you choose to do?
I'd be a pilot. I‘m fascinated by flying.
Do you consider yourself organised? How often do you have to look for your keys?
I can be quite dappy when it comes to silly things. but when it comes to things like keys and passports and stuff like that. I am pretty organised. I’ve got friends who. every time they go out. think they've lost something. But usually they've got it on them: they just don't trust themselves.
What’s the punchline to your favourite joke? ‘l'm not sharing this sheep with anyone.’
What, if anything, is too serious to joke about? Nothing is too serious to joke about apart from paedophilia. Life is too short to take seriously. What’s your favourite biscuit?
McVities. the ones that are covered with chocolate. They're like classic. standard biscuits. Very good dunking biscuits.
What would be your ideal birthday present?
At the moment I‘m looking for a grand piano.
When did you last laugh out loud while reading a book?
I usually read fiction but I read Piers Morgan's The Insider quite recently and it was hilarious.
Have you ever exploited your position to get something? I do regularly exploit my position when it comes to getting tickets for great concerts. | always insist on paying but usually they are concerts that are sold out so it's pretty hard to get in. But I think that’s a pretty good reason to exploit your position.
Who would you like to play you in the film of your life?
I'd like Edward Norton to play me because he's my favourite actor of all time. though there is the fundamental problem that he is a man.
When did you last dance?
At Halloween. I was in Vienna and met up with one of my bestest, oldest friends who is at university there. and we went to a samba club which was pretty cool.
What’s your signature dish?
I really can't cook. The other day, I bought this Yorkshire pudding. and it was meant to be so simple; just put it in the oven for 20 minutes and that was it done. But as I walked into my house I realised that my oven doesn‘t work. only my frying pan does. so I fried this Yorkshire pudding which just ended up being like mashed potato with some flavour of food in it. Luckily I survived to tell the tale.
What makes you good at what you do? Listening to good music is the key to making good music.
What’s your biggest regret?
Maybe the trousers I‘m wearing now.
Are you a cat or dog person?
Cat? Dog? Cat? Dog? Let’s go for the cat. What’s your all-time favourite sitcom? Friends. I‘ll be watching it when I'm 55.
What do like best about your life?
Probably being able to make the music that I feel passionate about and taking it to audiences and seeing that they enjoy it. that they are emotionally affected by it.
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AndFinally...
As we all mourn/mark/celebrate the 20th anniversary of the slaying of JOHN LENNON, we wonder just what might have been different in the pop culture world had he survived.
I He would have assisted in the commercialisation of the Samaritans. renaming it Help! Inc.
I He would eventually have dumped Yoko (unless she took a bullet or two on the night) to hook up with Judy Finnigan in a moving ceremony at the Albert Dock before jetting off on their honeymoon, taking a flight from the recently renamed Stan Boardman Airport.
I Michael Jackson’s fortunes would have taken a nose dive because of his purchase of the Beatles catalogue being blocked by Lennon, who was heard to utter: ‘Say say say what you want. you’re not getting' it. ya fookin' freak.“
I He would have Spent most of 2003 tumbling out of taxis with Jodie Marsh.
I He would become the new Doctor Who taking over from Daniel Radcliffe and just before David Walliams.
I Bands which would never have been allowed to happen: Stone Roses, lnspiral Carpets, Candy Flip, Oasis, Nowaysis, Definitely Mightbe, Oasisn’t, Liberty X.
I William Goldman would have been a two-bit trash writer stomping on the corpses of famous dead folk; actually . . .
I While in the States he would have made several cameos in Frasier as a self-help sex guru faking a piss poor Manchester accent, allowing him to fit in beautifully.
I He would have had a war of words with John Peel over the best band in the World. Not going with the Delgados tip. Lennon would have plumped for Deacon Blue.
I The inevitable Beatles reformation would finally have happened for Live Aid, or G8, or Robbie Williams’ funeral.
I The FBI would convince the world that Lennon was a member of Al Qaeda after he voiced a kids' show on Al Jazeera entitled Fireman Osama.