E If. like the l eech. you've taken part in a polrce lrne up. you'll appreciate the rllrcrt thrill of rubbing shoulders with lowlife criminals. Junkres. prmps and drsgraced former cabinet rnrnrsters. lliey all look up to the l eech. Wrtlr the cruel refrnernent of a Bond vrllarn. the cunnrng of Moriarty. the darrng of Raffles and the same stylist as Keyser So/e. the l eech rs constantly berng nicked for copyright rnfrrng(-)ment. Still. its made the Leech appreciate the rmportance of identity. which rs rrorrrc for a pseudonym who hates her real name. I rheratrng too. Just not as lrl)eratrng as knoWrng Michael Jackson's lawyer.
An rll conceived unron betwixt a disgraced former cahrnet rnrnrster and his undeclared rrrterest in a DNA testing company. the l eech grew up in a test tube and rs thus mightily suspicious of sperm donation.
l lavrng seen i/re Brown Bunny though. the l eech would rather Vincent Gallo's man muck was creating l rankentxrhres than lrase coating ()hloe Sevrgny's l().".f‘,r|f;. /\ unrehsrte rs allegedly selling the rrraverrck frlrrrmaker's spunk for $1 mrllron a shot. Women can pay Gallo to rnserrrrnate them by M or the old fashioned way for an extra 8500.000
a fee he"l waiver if he fancres you. According to his hrograplry. Gallo rs ‘5) feet 1 l rnches. with blue eyes. lhere are no known genetrc deforrnrtres rn hrs ancestry and no history of congenital drseasesf It could add that hrs nrental health rs undisclosed and he is not a cheap date.
l ronr paternity to the nanny state. it was a disgraced former cabinet minister who dreamt up British crtr/enshrp tests and the l eech was pleased to support Metley ()rt're drummer l'ommy l ee at the Medicine Bar in tendon for a henefrt against ll)
14THE LIST 1/ Nor l[)er, 7005)
d of popular entertainment
cards. That's Tommy Lee. an Arrrerican whose wedding tackle would be recOgnrsable rn any lrne up. frglrtrng to protect British identity. The Leech led the chorus of ‘get your tour skins out for the lads, Tommy' and rnstarrtly regretted rt.
Ell Vicky Pollard infamoust gave her baby away for a Westlrfe CD and therern hes a truer test of Brrtrshness: do you frrrd men in women's clothing hilarious? Apparently. chrldren as young as four have been guotrng Little Britain. explaining why so many youngsters will answer the question. ‘Are chips made from potatoes?’. wrtlr 'No but. yeah but. no but . . .'
As a confrrmed mouse potato. the leech would like to pornt out that when Qiryear old Dundee srngle mother l i/ Milne auctioned a date wrth herself on eBay. the post was removed because the 371? top hid contravened ‘adult rrraterral polrcy'. Yet when sisters Victoria and Olivia Randell from Cheltenham auctioned their father. :30- odd l- rnre. he sold for $3205.01! [)ouble standards?! the leech doesn't care. havrrrg reneged on both payments. blackmailed a disgraced former cabinet minister and rnvested rn a hottle of the frnest Gallo.
‘ LUMPS
CUMBERNAULD
It’s unfair that it has been crowned the most architecturally unpleasant space in Scotland (again). Actually, we like the old college that looks like a Space Invader and the town centre on stilts. Don’t forget the good things about Cumbernauld: Gregory’s Girl, Stu Who? and great catchphrases. What other town has both a village and an airport? At least they tried, which is more than can be said for so much of the rest of the central belt.
Lumps are never a good thing. Never. Ever. Think about it. Even sugarlumps, the most appealing of all lumps, make your teeth fall out. Healthwise, lumps are a warning light. They spell failure for a bowl of custard or mashed potato and turn any sports pitch into a treacherous hell hole. Bumps? Them we can deal with. Even dumps. But lumps? God no.
ECCENTRIC MUSICAL PAIRINGS
Antony teaming up with Boy George for a rendition of ‘Merry Christmas (War is Over)’ is only the latest in a long line of peculiar musical collaborations.
Bing and Bowie Christmas 1977 and Ziggy teamed up with the conniptious king of the cardie Mr Crosby to rattle through a sligth surreal, if oddly harmonious, rendition of ‘Little Drummer Boy'. Has to be seen to be believed.
Paul and Rupert A much-malinged pop classic stays in people's heads mainly due to the involvement of an entire gladeful of anrmated bullfrogs croaking their way through a melodic chorus and Macca's least credible decade. The actual involvement of said yellow. knitwear-clad bear seems negligible even now. He's never even come close to another hit since.
Natalie and Nat Yeah. because it isn’t unpleasant enough that Miss Cole's leap to fame was on the coat tails of her famous parent Nat King. but to dig him up (metaphorically at least) to sing a duet from beyond the grave is the stuff of George A Romero movies.
Proddlo and Monumt Take one camp rock god. shave off his trademark mouser and pop him in an ill fitting suit beside a bulbous Spanish opera nan. The musical result: a surreal tribute to the great Catalonian capital and another surreal turn for the career of rock's most barking frontman.
Nick and Kylie Two Antipodean giants from either end of the musical stratosphere bound together in murderous dreams. The big one bludgeons the little one to death by a river and we all live happily ever after. Brilliant. What Cliff and Van should have really tried on Top of the Pops.