Rear View ANSWER MACHINE
He made his name in the jazz revival scene of the late 40s and is generally considered to be the archetypal bon viveur wiseacre with an eye for the ladies and a nose for a good wine. Now nearing his octogenarian period and launching his latest autobiography, GEORGE MELLY ponders roulette, redheads and railway lines.
In which time in history would you love to have lived?
1880 to 1930 because of the amount of wonderful change and creativity which happened between those years.
Your house is on fire, loved ones and pets are safe. You can retrieve one thing, what would it be?
A painting owned by my wife by Edward Burra of a red railway line vanishing into a tunnel, but out of perspective. to a very feminine landscape. In my view it is completely magical.
What’s the longest time you’ve slept soundly in one go over the last five years?
About 14 hours following a very hectic week. What’s the last thing you stole?
A cheap copy of King Lear in the 19403 for a friend
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of mine in Liverpool who mentioned he hadn't got it. He was rather appalled when I gave it him, for putting myself at risk.
What’s the most rock’n’roll thing you’ve done today?
Not guilty.
If you could wake up tomorrow and have a new ability, what would it be?
Sharp hearing. Being quite deaf is very boring. How many times a day do you look in the mirror?
Any number of times. When I was young, it was to try and think I was attractive. Now I’m old. it‘s to check if I’m really falling to bits.
If you were to quit your job tomorrow and embark on a new career, what would it be? Play jazz piano brilliantly.
Do you consider yourself organised? Do you ever lose your keys?
Not too often because they are attached to an enormous bloodshot eyeball floating in a sphere and always looking straight at me.
What’s the punchline to your favourite joke? ‘Bingo and Shaggy.‘
Is anything too serious to joke about? Paedophelia leading to murder.
What’s your favourite biscuit?
Digestive biscuits.
What would be your ideal birthday present? A cubist Picasso from 1909.
What song would you hate to have played at your funeral?
Anything religious.
When did you last laugh out loud reading a book?
At certain moments in my wife‘s book Take a Girl Like Me.
Have you ever exploited your position to get something, and did you get the results you hoped for?
I once managed to get a quiet table in a packed. fashionable restaurant. because the manager turned out to be a jazz fan.
Who would you like to play you in a film of your life?
Matthew York or Charlie Boxer. Both of whom are better looking than I ever was.
When did you last dance?
Around 15 years ago. I jived with a dear friend of mine in a jazz club and regretted it immediately afterwards.
Do gentlemen prefer blondes?
Not being a gentleman I don't know the answer to that one. Personally. I am mad about redheads. Can you cook? What is your signature dish? A boiled egg. just about.
When did you last cry?
On the death of a dear friend.
What makes you good at what you do? Exhibitionism and some hard learned ability.
Do you have a lucky number?
Seventeen. It came up twice running at roulette because I had forgotten I‘d just backed it before. What’s your biggest regret?
Not having one or. at any rate. not a big one.
Are you a cat or a dog person?
Both, if the cat doesn’t deliberately scratch you or the dog bite you. I want respect from the former and love (fake or not) from the latter.
What’s your all-time favourite sitcom? Steptoe and Son.
What do you like best about your life? Almost all of it.
What do you like least about your life? Recent impotence.
I S/OW/ng Down IS out now published by Wang.
Andi-'inally...
At the news that the reintroduced beaver should be breeding in Scotland again within 5-10 years, we at The List conducted a straw poll within a 100-yard radius of our offices and asked: ‘What would you like to see re-introduced to Scotland? These are the results.
I Perms The curly Shirley is back (allegedly). 2% of those we stopped in the street would like to see these tight locks a mainstay of the Scottish landscape once again. Ahh the sweet stench of perming solution.
I Frost No not David Jason's bumbling. likeable detective. but the frozen dew that gathers on the lawns and pavements of this wondrous c0untry in winter. 5% of interviewees believed that Scottish winters were getting too warm and it would be nice to see old Jack Frost back this year.
I Salty porridge This was something of a favourite amongst the older generation. Salty porridge used to be a staple of the national diet before certain infiltrators started putting milk. honey or sugar in it. 12% of our vox poppers believed this dish's reintroduction would have a positive effect on Scotland's unhealthy eating habits.
I Tailors, cobblers and watch repairers Edinburgh and Glasgow‘s lack of service industries seems to be of genuine concern to many. The fact that apart from the odd visiting Asian tailor. there is nowhere to get a reasonably priced suit made up or a dress taken in. seemed to be a major issue. Scottish service industries are declining at a phenomenal rate: many people would like to see more cobblers and watch repairers around to encourage them to recycle more and throw away less. 28% concurred on this viewpoint.
I Military service A staggering 36% of those we spoke to would like to see the return of this compuISOry training period. Its absence was blamed for everything from youth crime and alcoholism to lack of respect and manners.
I Red squirrels Apart from in a conservation centre in Dumfries and Galloway. sightings of the precious little reds are very rare. 44% of the people want to see them back in the parks and gardens of our cities alongside. or instead of. their grey coloured friends.
I Chimney Sweeps Just moved into a new property and want to get a young child up your sooty chute? An astounding 48% of adults we spoke to would like to see the return of these smudge faced tearaways. Child labour was seen as a way of dealing with the alleged hoodie and happy slapping youth epidemics.