RearView ANSWER MACHINE
She’s been in the entertainment
industry longer than anyone, even she, can remember, yet there’s no stopping JOAN RIVERS just yet. But what does she have in common with SpongeBob SquarePants?
In which time in history would you love to have lived?
The Crusades, because it would have been fun to see the world but I doubt that the shopping would have had much to offer.
Your house is on fire, loved ones and pets are safe. You can retrieve one thing, what would it be?
My make-up bag, because I wouldn’t want to scare the firemen.
What’s the longest time you’ve slept soundly in one go over the last five years?
I’m an amazing sleeper, I can sleep anywhere. I once slept 14 hours on a cheap flight from Glasgow to London.
What’s the last thing you stole?
I'm not a stealer, but I do take anything that’s in the bathroom in a hotel. i haven't had a bath with a full-size cake of soap in 25 years.
What’s the most rock’n’roll thing you’ve done today?
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I wore a blouse three sizes too tight.
If you could wake up tomorrow and have a new ability, what would it be?
I’d like to know more about computers because all I know now is how to turn mine on and go to porn sites. And when I go to ‘Jewish men over 50‘ it's not good for my grandson.
If you were to quit your job tomorrow and embark on a new career, what would it be?
I like meeting new people so I’d probably become a hooker.
Do you consider yourself organised?
I'm ultra-organised. While I’m answering your questions, I‘m doing my nails, sewing a dress and writing a joke for tonight's performance.
What’s the punchline to your favourite joke? ‘So the farmer’s daughter says: “I want $50 for that.”’
Is anything too serious to joke about?
No, I laugh about everything, it’s all so stupid. Although I never make jokes about disasters unless a good amount of time passes; like seven- to-ten minutes.
What’s your favourite biscuit?
Brad Pitt.
What would be your ideal birthday present? See above.
When did you last laugh out loud reading a book?
At Bill Clinton‘s autobiography; l was tallying the lies. Who would you like to play you in a film of your life, and who would actually play you? I’d like Meryl Streep to play me, but it would probably be SpongeBob SquarePants. because we have the same waistline.
When did you last dance?
Last week, I was drunk and I saw a table.
Do gentlemen prefer blondes?
In Los Angeles gentlemen prefer gentlemen. Who knows, there are no gentlemen any more.
When did you last cry?
I cried when my best friend died; Tommy whatshisname.
Do you have a lucky number? 123887765378906. It’s lucky, it just doesn’t come up too often.
Are you a cat or a dog person?
Both. plus a parakeet person, a canary person. a duck person, a goose person, a water buffalo person; my house is crowded.
What material can we expect to hear in your current show?
I love how fast you found the people that bombed London. so I compare your guys to my guys in the FBI, who are still looking for a guy in a sheet. And we‘re talking about the Bushes, and we‘re talking about New Orleans, and why they were surprised when it flooded when the city was built under water; let’s discuss that. So all that stuff, and still being a grandmother. and sex at this age. It‘s all the same themes but different.
Who is the best dressed celebrity?
All I know is it isn’t Cher.
What’s your all-time favourite sitcom? Nip/Tuck. But seriously. I love Seinfeld and Everybody Loves Raymond is so brilliantly written. Also praise for Curb Your Enthusiasm.
What do you like best about your life?
That I don‘t have to worry about money for at least two weeks.
What do you like least about your life?
The fact that the last man who said to me, ‘Wow, what a nice dress’ wanted it.
How do you manage such a full-on tour? What’s your nutritional secret?
Coffee and Smarties.
What do you think the fundamental difference is between men and women? Women have an extra layer of fat. so we may not look so great in jeans, but if we fall into the water. we'll last longer.
I Joan Rive/'8' (First Annual) Ft’l/‘OWGH Tour is at Usher Hall Edinburgh, Tue 2:3 Oct.
around the Scottish spooks and spectres who have freaked us out down the years.
I A hotel in Port Ellen on lslay is haunted by the ghost of a burglar who entered the premises in its previous incarnation during the 19th century as a distillery. Having broken in to sample the wares, the rogue had imbibed one vat too many when he decided to leave the premises via the second floor window. His death has resulted in some hotel guests complaining of recurring dreams in which they fall from a great height.
I A piper called Tam Tyrie went walking in Arbroath accompanied by his wife and dog. When storms began to brew. they took shelter in a cave along the coast and were never seen again. The droning sound of dreary bagpipes could be heard for the next few days in a nearby farmhouse. but were never located.
I The former owner of Penkaet Castle in East Lothian, John Cockburn, was reported to have killed his relative John Seton. In a frenzied period of paranormal activity during 1946, furniture began to move, beds unmade themselves, water taps started running and guests had the distinct feeling of being watched. Weirdest of all was the inexplicable shattering of a glass dome that protected a model of the house in the library.
I At Cortachy Castle. near Kirriemuir. a young drummer was sealed inside his instrument and hurled from the battlements after having an affair with the lady of the castle. The sound of his drumming still can be heard.
I Having returned from a trip to Egypt in the 19305, Sir Alex Seton of Edinburgh proudly displayed a rare bone he had (illegally) picked up from his jollies at the Temple of Luxor. Unfortunately, a series of strange events began to occur such as family members coming down with mystery illnesses, ornaments found broken in empty rooms, furniture rearranging itself and a ghostly figure in robes appearing all around the house. A priest was called in and the bone was exorcised and destroyed.
I lnverawe House in the Western Highlands has a rather house-prOUd spirit called Green Jean. who puts Out fresh soap and towels for guests.