thcLEECH
Sucking the blood of popular entertainment
As practical talents go, the ability to move objects through the air with power of the mind rates way above fire breathing or tearing phone directories in half as attention grabbers at dinner parties. Sissy Spacek is the movie exponent but it seems this kind of mind-bending madness is just what the 2012 Olympic committee needs to turn people on — the 100-metre truck shift is sure to thrill the crowds.
mummy It's not the actual words we
dislike, more the frustration at not _ __ y . being able to think of something better to say and blurting out . some . . . bollocks or other. Given , SWEAR time, one's vocabulary is
surprisingly expansive but in the heat of the moment the crutch that is a loudly shouted sweary word is a little more than a one
way ticket to dimsville.
I Afte' fine reincarnations as a (lung the British Cheese Board, which the
beetle. the l eech has rejected Leech rather suspects of haVing an
Buddhism and settled on the path of interest. cheese helps you sleep better. lapsing agnosticism. occasionally wrth different kinds producing different perceiving .Jesus' wage in a cheese dreams. Apparently. Stilton causes by
sanrix'ach, but ine\itab|y feeling too far the oddest. But what is cheese. peckish not to partake of Our Lord after all. but milk’s leap towards
After 12 years of silence. the wailing wonder is about to release an album. But
in her absence. a whole host of wannabe Kate Bushes have come along.
.‘.'llll a dollop of 'labasco sauce. immortality, that diVine dream-
utopra ()ll\-’lSl()llO(l by all religions?
I Once a Catholic. always a Catholic though. l yen if l'.'.’l(?(? or three times a ad}, vicar lrappist monk or apprentice Sith lord. lhe l eech has hedged those bets for Judgement Day. Still, it '.'.as ‘.'.’lill an open mind that your correspondent travelled to St Kane's Church :n New Deer. Aberdeenshire. to hear (3‘.£lllt}(}llf§l .John Blanchard dcestich ‘Does God Believe in Atheists?’ Suffice to say. the Alll‘:l§]l‘rl\".'.'£lS(1()ll§$l)l(ill()llS by his oinriipctent absence and set the
l eecii 't'.()ll(i()llllt] who. in these days o‘ terrorism. natural disasters and Bax/5; of .‘Steei’. is God not to believe in the l eech’? Off the l eech's Christmas card list that's for sure. thoroughly dejected and reyected. the Leech left l)(3ll(f‘.'ll‘.(_] that pre Biblical idolatry of gioltiei‘ caix'es is the only way forward.
I Yeah. cows. Because the leech ’litf; no beef with them. Their flatulence ii‘ight make a massive contribution to cabal .‘xarn‘ing. but on the other hoof. at tra'isp.res that cheese doesn't give
you nightmares after all. Intact. says
Bloody tasty on a cracker. that's what.
I So the Leech can't wait to welcome the appropriately named Pascal Knapp to Edinburgh in 2006. The Swrss artist is head honcho of the world renowned Cow Parade -‘ that colourful series of over 200 life—si/e sculptures that have already paraded across the streets of Prague. London. New York. Stockholm and Sydney. Decorated by artists. scltoolchildren and people who do this sort of thing. the garish heifer s can turn any beautiful capital into Milton Keynes overnight.
Bruce _‘
I For a city ravaged by war and genocide though. fibreglass cows won't cut it. Hence the decision by Sarajevo to build a statue of Bruce Lee. a man who espoused peace wrth every kick to Chuck Norris’ head. The kung—fu legend's likeness Will be erected in the city centre, as a
symbol of 'lllSlKX}. mastery, honesty' and deep cool. Definitely not something to have a cow about.
Debra Stephenson The jaunty cockney geezer lady from Corrie and Bad Girls wailed ‘Babooshka' on Celebrity Stars in Their Eyes. shortly before being called a ‘woman with a little girl's voice’ during Celebrity Fame Academy. She also claims ‘Wuthering Heights' to have been the first single she ever bought.
Bjork The Icelandic queen once admitted that she had a bit of a crush on La Bush: ‘I remember being underneath my duvet at the age of 12. fantasising about her. but I don't want to make a big thing out of it.‘ No. really. you eccentric old rubber band. make a big thing out of it.
Donna Tartt The massive gap between producing her art; the odd squeaky voice; the wild starry eyes; the potential for us making hilarious double entendres from her name: the two could well have been separated at birth. Except one was born in 1950s Kent, the other in 19603 Mississippi.
Tori Amos Everyone's favourite genuine contender to the Bush presidency. Toz made a career out of b0uncing weirdly on her piano seat when you c0uId tell that she yearned to don a pointy dunce's hat and white tutu before running about the wiley. windy moors.
Kemal The painfully shy Big Brother chap was once caught skipping around the garden in a red floaty dress with fellow housemate ‘Scary' Mary when he suddenly exclaimed ‘I feel like Kate Bush’. Don't we all. guv'nor.