Festival Agenda
tt’ceFEST L LEECH
Who tried to do what to whom but got caught and is denying it furiously
I In a blizzard of betting slip confetti. the Leech surveyed the Perrier shortlist with familiar ill-will towards the judges. Once again they‘d suppressed their collective sense of humour or employed it to devastating effect. The Leech COUIdn't tell which. Having backed the usual donkeys and comedy nags on a final lap before their 100 Bits of Yestershi't glue factory. the Leech is out of pocket and out of graciousness. Take that bloke with the face for example. the bookie's favourite with his ‘razor-sharp observations' and ‘unique delivery'. Barely fit to fluff Jim Bowen's set-ups. Never mind though. let‘s look at what the Leech c0uld have won. liiiiiin one . .
a You can't beat a bit of Bowen. even if you've deliberately set out to offend a multicultural audience and you're Ron Atkinson. The Holyrood Tavern blatantly missed a trick with a game of blind darts in the Bullseye supremo's absence. blind comedian Chris McCausland and the blindfolded Tim Vine competing for Bully's special prize of a punter's eyeball. Amid rumours of cheating and the longest. most eXCitement- defying spectacle since the Ring Cycle last year. Vine triumphed 2-0 and removed the patch to realise that everybody else had disappeared. The experience of many Fringe comics when the lights come up.
I Tim ‘499 puns an hour' Vine also played in the annual critics vs comedians football match. taking away the inaugural prize for Most Competitive Stand- Up Ever, Oooh. I'm Dad '3
FESTIVAL DEBUTANTS
Natasha Petrovic
Colman Rushdlo
Fav0urite Now Jeremy. It ended 5-3 to the critics. with The Sunday Herald's Ed McCracken bagging a hat-trick and Richard Herring shoving his low-fat yoghurt frame around in a bid to avenge some rather average reviews. Unfortunately for the talent assembled. plus James Smart and Mark Robertson of The List. Gordon Strachan. scouting at the Fringe to find yet another Joker for his defence. opted to see Brendon Burns' show instead. The Celtic boss was clearly impressed by the Australians shoWing at Mark Watson's 2005 minute comedy
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marathon, where he challenged his fellow stand- ups to a Triwa/ Pursuit Ashes contest and lost to the tune of haying his trousers burnt.
Stand-ups are punishment gluttons though. and the Leech was amused to hear the origins of the biennial match between ange comics I and Stenhousemuir FC. Apparently. Steve Furst's Wife is the niece of the Warriors' chairman. But the mobile phone actor is. according to a spokesman. ‘absolutely shit at football, fucking unbelievably bad', hence the reason he didn't trot out With Jason Byrne. Alex Horne. Andy Parsons and Danny Bhoy for their regular humping by
Blind darts with no Bullseye
the pros. Still. this didn't stop Strachan putting in a bid for the man who has come to define the role of advert lickspittle. unconcerned abetit movmg him from Orange to Celtic.
I Plenty of sledging at the Australia vs England comedian cricket match. With Umbilical Brothers; at the Wicket. Miles Jupp leading his troops With blue-blooded bluster and Fringe press officer Bob Farrell finishing top scorer With 31 not out. Thanks to a Mr B Farrell
in the Edinburgh Fringe press office for supplying that match
report. Deiected Aussie skipper Mickey l) was heard branding the l-iiglish 'lucky'. to Which Jupp i'etorted. ‘I think we showed where the Ashes belong today'. triumphantly holding aloft what looked like the melted remains of Brendon Burns' zip fly.
I A proposed softball match between the cast of A Clockwork Orange and the Reduced Shakespeare Company was postponed because of iniury to a zlroog. who had overindulged on milk plus and ultraviolence the "lgtit before. Unofficially though. Whispered the Leech's Polonius behind the arms. all sotto voce like. little Alex and his gang were running scared because they needed more practice. Responding tt,‘ this acousation With ‘llov.’ now ratty’?! Dead for a ma'enky bit of cutter!‘ the Beethoven- lovin’ hooligan smashed the good old lord's head in With a giant phallus.
I With both Ray Peacock and Andrew Lawrence now boxnig members of the audience at the Underbelly during late night shows. the Wiiy yeting Lawrence's ribs making quite an impression on one heckler‘s fist. it has been decided that the Fringe offers a Viable template for the London Olympics. I bid Coe issuing this statement as laWience recovered to put him I." a headlock.
You can make your Festival debut at any age. But Vth you come back? We rate the returning chances of weans and wrinklies.
Jim Bowen
Hmtop Age 92
Penny Spubb's dog
Klkl l Herb
Age 6 Age 58 Age 58 Age Dead A98 A mystery
With only a violin. she's Despite his popularity. he has Celebrated his birthday in While the blues piano man She may have been an Years off and on Broadway charming the birds out the never come to the Festival Edinburgh this year but was probably the oldest actual pup once but the venting their spleen gave trees with the NYOS. And before. A stand-up show might use this run to leap perfOrmer ever to grace a taxidennied pooch starring them the nerve to face 8
She's not even a proper should be in the offing — he's back into Sunday night TV festival stage (we think) this in the posters never made month of Edinburgh. Fringe
'youth' yet. sure to have a whole host of glory. All hail the new Cilla year was his debut. A mere it to Edinburgh. veterans in the making. Chances of returning to unused one-liners. Black! Chances oi pup! Chances of Chances of returning? Chances of returning? Edinburgh? 6—4. Chances of returning? 3—1 returning? 125-1 returning? 150—1 6.710.394-1 10—1
70 THE LIST FESTIVAL MAGAZINE 2:") Aug 8 Sep 1200:")