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TONY PARSONS was a journalist, man and boy, until the spectacular success of a certain novel propelled him into an altogether different kind of writing career. But what relationship does his daughter have with penguins?
You house is on fire. Family, friends and pets are all safe. What one thing would you rush back to save?
The thing I would save is my late father's Distinguished Service Medal. The only award for valour higher that the DSM is the Victoria Cross. My dad won his DSM as a Royal Naval Commando in World War II.
What’s the longest time you’ve slept soundly in one go over the last five years?
I can't have slept more than seven hours over the last five years. I remember sleeping for 24 hours as a y0ung man though — I woke up thinking it was Friday, but it was Saturday. But I had been up for three nights in a row without sleep.
What was the last thing you stole?
I stole a copy of The Great Gatsby from a hotel room — one of those hotels where they fill the shelves with classic books. I felt that F Scott Fitzgerald w0uld want me to have it.
What’s the most rock’n’roll thing you’ve
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done today?
Reminiscing about a race I once had with Iggy Pop.
How many times do you look in a mirror every day?
As often as possible. usually with disappointment and loathing. but sometimes with a tingle of sensual pleasure.
Are you well organised?
I am horribly organised. I am so organised that it‘s disturbing. I never look for my keys — I know exactly where they are.
What’s the punch line to your favourite joke? ‘Do you want me to put these on your bill?‘ What, if anything, is too serious to joke about?
I think jokes struggle to be funny about death. disability and all the truly serious stuff. Ricky Gervais tried to be funny about African aid and fell flat on his face.
What’s your favourite biscuit?
The noble Ginger Nut.
What would be your ideal birthday present? I would quite like my own private plane. It wouldn't need to be very big. Failing that. I'll take two tickets for the next Old Firm game. I saw my first Rangers-Celtic game last year — a great experience. although all my Scottish mates had told me not to go. And although Scottish football is going through a bad patch right now. there‘s nothing south of the border that comes close to the sheer raw excitement of an Old Firm game. What size tips do you give in restaurants?
I am a big tipper in restaurants. cabs. everywhere — I give a lot away. My mum always told me. ‘You’ll never be rich' because of the way I throw money around. She was probably right.
When did you last laugh out loud while reading a book?
Funnin enough. it was while reading Jason Burke's astonishing book Al Qaeda. Most terrorists are deeply inadequate and stupid human beings. and Burke relates how one of them enrolled at an American flying school as Mr Tango Tango. I thought that was funny. and curiously reassuring.
Who would you like to play you in the film of your life? Who do you actually think would play you?
I would quite like Tom Cruise to play me. but I think they are leaning towards Danny de Vito. When did you last dance?
I dance quite a bit. My daughter. who is just three. insists on a dance before breakfast. but I also dance in clubs. weddings, funerals — anywhere there's dancing. I had a dance at this club in Auckland. New Zealand where the temperature was kept at sub-zero levels and they only served vodka cocktails and played the Monkees. I think peOple who believe dancing is the property of the very young are the saddest people in the world. If you watch a child. dancing comes as naturally as breathing or talking or laughing.
Do gentleman prefer blondes?
I don't know. As far as I can tell, gentlemen seem to prefer fake blondes. My wife is Japanese.
Can you cook? If so, what’s your signature dish?
I am a very good cook. Signature dish — toast. When did you last cry? What was the reason, and how long did the tears run for?
The last time I cried was on 7 July when London was bombed — tears of rage.
What makes you good at what you do?
(a) I love it (b) l have been doing it for a long time and (c) I work really hard.
What’s your lucky number?
One million - especially when it‘s on a cheque. Are you a cat person or a dog person?
I am a cat person. My wife is the biggest dog person in the world. This is an enormous source of conflict. Our daughter is a penguin person.
Who is the best dressed British celebrity? What gives them that special something?
I think the best dressed celeb I ever met was David Bowie. What gives him that special something is that he is so skinny.
What is the thing you like best about your life right now?
I like the people who I have never met coming up to me in the street and talking to me. It's lovely. I am exposed to a level of real human warmth that I wouldn‘t get if they just walked on by.
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Graeme Pearson, the head of the Scottish Drug Enforcement Agency, believes he has new information to prove that Scotland is getting overpopulated by millionaire drug barons. Let’s look at what else is clogging up the Promised Land.
Rabbits With some repons putting Scotland's rabbit population at almost 33.7 million. we are headed for a Watershr'p Down-style confrontation with our furry friends as they begin to devour our produce and supplies.
Fish and chip shops It is alleged that every day at least four or five trading licenses are handed out to new Scottish chippies. while about the same number die of heart disease over the same period. You do the math.
Supermarkets With the exception of the Highlands and Islands of Scotland. it has recently been estimated that your average Scot only needs to travel about 45 minutes to get to the nearest gargantuan hypermarket. whereas some of the food they buy there has travelled over a week to get there. Meanwhile. high street grocers are closing down at the rate of one to two a day in Scotland.
Alcoholics Scotland still has more alcoholics per capita than anywhere else in the EU.
Dalmatian pups According to research done by a trainee Scottish vet recently. more Dalmatian pups are sold to people from Scotland than anywhere else in the EU.
English people Some initial figures show that following the London bombings there was a brief spurt of English immigration into Scotland for the first time in almost five decades.
Munros Let’s face it. there are way too many of them.