thLEECH
Sucking the blood of popular entertainment
I The Leech, it has often been remarked. is no oil painting — more a Henry Moore rendered in pale white gooseflesh. Where once a face for ancient currency perched proudly atop a Michaelangelic torso. now there's just a sagging bag of tired genitals and other protuberances. Still, getting old hasn't signalled a rolling of the Leech's trousers so much as a disregard for clothes altogether. Although it seems Scots are the most prudish in the UK about their bodies. with a decidedly modest 42% surveyed recently admitting they'd rather not reveal anything thank yOu and will you please cover that up with your clipboard. the citizens of Edinburgh appear not to give a fig leaf when it comes to art. the city contributing a disproportionate number of bare buttocks to New York photographer Spencer Tunick‘s recent mass nude installation in Gateshead. The Leech (circled. fourth hairy arse from top left at a previous effort in the States) attended purely for the craic.
l Reminded that some girls“ mothers are indeed bigger than others. the Leech's thoughts turned back to T in the Park and a moment of clarity watching the Silent Disco. about how ageing gracefully is all about indulging other people’s perceptions of you. if only a little bit. and how a room full of idiots with headphones on dancing to tunes only they can hear is the greatest spectator sport since. well. watching kids hurdle the drunk. sunburnt and comatose to grab Fran Healy's autograph. So while the charming Suzanne Vega was all audience involvement. finally bowing to requests for ‘My Name is Luka' and a ‘Tom's Diner' singalong. Brett Anderson flounced as only the beautiful one can whenever Suede‘s back catalogue was requested. much to Tears' guitarist Bernard Butler's barely disguised
the unproceCted annals OF D C
Chuck Berry gig-dodging because he's got the huff. there's the godfather of soul. Mr James Brown. prepared to warm up in little more than a portaloo and dance like no allegedly 76-year-old should ever dare contemplate. After the Leech. he's the second hardest working figure in showbusiness.
I Like many a reformed drug fiend and sex machine". Mr Brown must be taking the cod liver oil supplements to stay on the scene and. like Eminem. prefers his dressing room filled with protein shakes and aromatherapy oils. If the Royal Concert Hall had laid that
! little spread on for old Chuck. the
Leech is convinced he wouldn't have
been seen riding away in his
' automobile. his baby beside him at
the wheel. Even the animalistic
; sideburn of machismo that is Hugh
Jackman reportedly demands beauty |
treatment as a rider. Cast in sci-fi l
romance The Fountain. about a man
: pursuing eternal life. the Aussie actor's
} method for getting into character
. involves a cucumber facial mask
twice a week. Now imagine Charles
Bronson or Lee Marvin asking for that
g and mutter about how men used to be
men and dropped dead with toothless dignity in the good old days.
SO I says ‘Doccor. DOCtor, you‘ve goc to help '
12 THE LIST 2i Jul—4 Aug 2005
every time 1 tu m left i see John Wayne...
l
and every ti 1 tum right
gaCKson 7
When you're British and have an obsessive desire to be polite, you’re more likely to worry about whether it's OK to set up your BBQ in any given spot, whether the vegetarians mind the smell of charring flesh, and if the gentle singeing of the grass constitutes an abuse of civic surroundings. Never mind the old line about food tasting better when cooked outside - it tastes brilliant when you’re worrying your guts out about behaving correctly.
You wait for it all year, as it flirts its way between the clouds and wanders round the other side of the world. You go to hot places on holiday, feel light-headed on leisure and unfamiliar booze, and think about moving. Then it’s summer in Scotland, and the sun comes out. You sweat, you burn, you have to l take sun cream wherever you go, I you buy twattish shades and you i wriggle from side to side in bed at ! night, feeling damp and i
uncomfortable. Where’s November rain when you need it?
copyright 2005 g D C JaCKson g
’RBIax’ he says. ‘you’re in the wesoern.’