He’s oozed his way from porn stardom to reality TV expertise, but what does RON JEREMY find so appealing about Lionel Blair?
What time in history would you loved to have lived and why?
The 19508 and 19605, I would like to meet Marilyn Monroe and maybe do her mum. I'd have sex with both of them.
Your house is on fire, loved ones and pets are safe. You have a chance to retrieve one thing, what would it be?
My phone book and my photographs.
What’s your least favourite country and why?
Finland. The men are not very friendly. It’s the only country in the world, I've been to many, many countries, travelled all over the world. and somehow in Finland the men aren’t that friendly.
If you could wake up tomorrow and have obtained one ability what would it be?
To live forever.
How many times a day do you look in the mirror?
A lot! It's not so much a conceited thing. I‘m usually looking to see if I‘ve got food showing on my teeth.
If you quit your job tomorrow and have the skills to do something completely new, what
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would it be?
A hang glider. A teacher. Maybe teach hang gliding.
Do you consider yourself organised? How often do you have to look for your keys?
I am extraordinarily organised but extraordinarily messy. My phone book looks totally messy and totally disorganised but only I know where to find everything. l know where to find a name in lightning speed.
Tell us the punchline to your favourite joke. Not got a punchline, it's one line — ‘when you hold a telescope into the sky and a beautiful girl steps right in the way of it facing the sky. on a clear night I could see Uranus.’
What, if anything, ls too serious to joke about?
Nothing, nothing is beyond humour. Humour often deadens the impact. Even the Tsunami. Those bodies weren’t even cold yet and there were jokes on the internet and they were damn funny. What’s your favourite biscuit?
Oatmeal cookie.
What would be your ideal birthday present? Your mom.
What song would you hate to be played at your funeral?
Not Chuck Berry's ‘My Ding a Ling.‘ He‘s singing about his penis. It’s too obvious. I would like to have classical music or the piano. I‘d say Chopin, Beethoven. baroque music. Bach, Handel. That would be nice.
How big to you tip in restaurants?
My tip is nine inches.
When did you last laugh out loud while reading a book?
About a year ago when I read a biography of US comedian Ronnie Dangerfield.
Have you ever exploited your position to get something, and did you get the results you hoped for?
All the time. It’s called hiding the bacon, clearing the main vein, shooting the sherbert and squeezing the weasel. Girls find fame attractive even when you’re not. One of my favourite jokes is that God invented rock’n‘roll and porn so that average looking guys can get laid. So I'd say yeah. he's in my position, my best position. missionary style.
Who would you like to play you in a film about your life?
It’s a toss between Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt. Who do you actually think would play you? Meatloaf or Jack Black.
When did you last dance and what was the occasion.
It was on The Farm. we were square dancing.
Do gentlemen prefer blondes?
Gentlemen prefer anything with a pulse. Gentlemen prefer anything that breathes. If it has a vagina it‘s good enough for us.
Can you cook and, if so, what is your signature dish?
I‘m a phenomenal omelette maker, best there is. The only guy who can make a better omelette than me is this guy I know — a famous chef — and he can kiss my ass.
When did you last cry and what was the reason?
When your mum turned me down, after I shaved her back.
What makes you good at what do you?
I try to keep a sense of humour about things. I try to hustle and work hard and try to be entertaining. What is your lucky number?
If I tell you it won’t be lucky any more.
Can you tell me how it has proved to be so? It was your mom’s age.
Are you a cat or a dog or person?
Dogs. by far. But I’m allergic to cats. I love cats too but I love dogs a little bit more. Do you know what they call a Vietnamese playing with his pet dog? A vegetarian.
Who is the best dressed British celebrity and what gives them that special something?
I love Lionel Blair. He‘s a great, great guy and I think he's a very classy dresser.
What do you like best about your life?
The notoriety and women.
What do you like least about your life?
The difficulty in finding a serious relationship. It never bothered me before but now when I’m getting older and l want something serious, it‘s hard to be taken seriously after a career in porn and I totally understand women’s reluctance to do so.
I Being Ron Jeremy is Out now on DVD. See review.
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