Throughout a comedy career which began in the 505, he’s worked with comic greats such as Tommy Cooper, Eric Morecambe and Kenny Everett. But what we really want to know is why does Mexico get BARRY CRYER’s goat and what happens when he stands on a drawing pin?
In which time in history would you have loved to have lived?
Victorian times. There was an honest. straightforward upfront hypocrisy which made life easier. All this modern dishonesty is exhausting. They brought hypocrisy to an art form.
What’s the longest time you’ve slept soundly in one go over the last five years?
When I got back from Edinburgh last year and I think I slept for over a day.
Do you have one bit of advice for a new stand-up or comedy writer?
Keep going. Rejection is the name of the game. It‘s going to be rough. That's maybe a smug remark as I‘ve been at it for a long time but nobody is an overnight success. Ross Noble is young but he’s been going for years. I worked with Matt Lucas and David Walliams years ago when
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they weren‘t making it. If you’ve got faith in yourself, just get up again after being knocked down.
What was the last thing you stole?
A small bottle of shampoo from a hotel. Though they say that’s complimentary, so it‘s not really stealing. I‘m too cowardly, really.
What’s your least favourite country?
Mexico. The cheese is awful. They can’t do cheese. which really upsets me.
What’s the most rock’n’roll thing you’ve done today?
I was dancing to ‘Resurrection Shuffle' while shaving.
If you could wake up tomorrow and have obtained one ability, what would it be?
To put my socks on while standing up. I’ve got to the age where you automatically sit down. John Mortimer told me that he has a strange device like a claw on a stick which allows him to do this. How many times a day do you look in the mirror?
I don't. I read The Guardian.
Tell us the punchline to your favourite joke? ‘Paint it blue and join the police.‘
What, if anything, is too serious to joke about?
There’s no subject per se. There are the most amazing jokes about death and cancer; it comes down to the attitude of the joke or the performer. If a joke betrays a fear or hatred then that’s just despicable but not if it has heart or a decent attitude.
What’s your favourite biscuit?
Something chocolatey with a chocolate centre. What song would you hate to be played at your funeral?
‘Light My Fire’. At Malcolm Hardee’s funeral they played ‘Return to Sender‘. That's superb.
How big do you tip in restaurants?
I’m a guilty tipper. It‘s a desire to be loved or something. But I generally don't if the service is bad.
When did you last laugh out loud while reading a book?
It wasn't a book. but quotes from a speech by Michael Howard which made me laugh immoderately. Three Men in a Boat by Jerome K Jerome is just amazing. There's a bit in that where a guy is reading a medical book and gets paranoid because he thinks he‘s got all the symptoms and vast numbers of comics have done that same joke. It showed that there there are no new jokes. Do gentlemen prefer blondes?
Blonde what? I’m a brunette man myself.
Have you ever exploited your position to get something? Did you get the results you hoped for?
A discount on a Stannah Stairlift. Last year, Ronnie and I were sponsored by them and everyone thought it was a joke. It wasn‘t.
Who would you like to see playing you in the film of your life?
Johnny Depp. The resemblance is uncanny. With Macaulay Culkin as the young one.
When did you last dance?
When I stood on a drawing pin in the bedroom. It was an improvised number. Or hip hop.
When did you last cry?
Reading extracts from a speech by Michael Howard.
What’s your biggest regret?
Not having met Orson Welles. I once saw him in a crowded bar in a theatre but never met him. He did his career backwards. starting off with War of the Worlds and Citizen Kane and then finishing
with sherry commercials. Tim Brooke Taylor worked with him.
Are you a cat or dog person?
Well, both. We had four of each. The dogs were mother and children and the cats were two brothers and two sisters and got on fine. They all died eventually and we then inherited our daughter's cat. I'm always moaning saying I’d love a dog and my wife says. ‘Oh yeah, and who‘s going to walk it?‘ I was away a lot at that time. What’s your all-time favourite sitcom?
The most neatly written solid—for-laughs one is Porridge. The most literate and articulate show was Yes Minister and now we‘ve got the update with In the Thick of It. which is brilliant. And Black Books I love.
Your house is on fire, loved ones and pets are safe. You have a chance to go and retrieve one thing, what would it be?
My iPod, but not the blueberry. I’ve got all Winston Churchill's speeches on there. Which I dance to. I Barry Cryer performs at the Queen '3 Hall. Edinburgh, Sat 7 1 Jun in aid of Vl/aver/ey Care. See www. waver/eycare. org for details.
STARS & THEIR SECRETS
Bruce Willis
The chunky one was born in ldar-Oberstein, West Germany. votes Republican and plays the harmonica. In 2001 he said he would no longer do violent action movies and films in which he saved the world. Die Hard 4 (in which Bruce. on a holiday trip with his daughter, bumps into some terrorists. presumably for some peaceable banter and no saving the world at all) is in production. Tommy Lee
The Andrea Bocelli fan and Motley Crtie drummer is of good stock. His mother, after all. was Miss Athens 1957. Recent attempts to better himself have been documented in the NBC series Tommy Goes to College. in which the tattooed veteran rocker attended the University of Nebraska with ‘fucking bizarre“ consequences.
Hayden Christensen
The Star Wars anti-hero and famous Canadian worked as a ballboy at the Canadian Open in the mid-90s During one match, he jumped out too soon in front of John McEnroe. narrowly avording injury and causing the point to be abandoned. The enhanced DVD of Return of the Jedi features an image of Christensen alongside Yoda and Obi- Wan Kenobi at the film's finale. replacing Sebastian Shaw as Anakin.
Hugh Laurie
Son of an Olympic Gold Medal rower, the gaunt Brit took a paddle himself in the Oxbridge boat race. He obtained a third class degree in anthropology and archaeology from Cambridge. An avid motorcyclist and musician. he rides a Triumph onto the set of current US hit Home and plays in a soul band called Poor White Trash with Lenny Henry and Ben Elton's wife SOphie. And he once made a citizen's arrest on a shoplifter laden with leather goods.