SPACE
Galactic gazetteer
How to get there Heart of Gold
The super-slick stolen ship that covers senOusly vast distances in milliseconds thanks to the Infinite Improbablllty Drive. Usmg the drive reSults in rather improbable things happening. For example. don't be concerned if a group of monkeys approach you with a new SCnpt for Ham/et they've been working on.
Ion Drive Delta Boat Cruise the seas of Damogran on a bed of ions. and if you're feeling flash. lower the entirely pOintless fins into the water and spray your onlooking fans. Vogon Constructor Fleet Abdut as grim a ship as it‘s pOSSlble to hitch on. if yOLi're lucky enough to get a lift that IS. seeing as Vogons hate hitchhikers. Luckily, they employ DentraSSIs as chefs. who love to get on Vogons' Wicks. so there's a good chance they'll help y0u out.
Where to stay Magrathea
On the face of it. the recently rediscovered mythological planet Magrathea has little to
good time. Its twm suns SOullahls and Ratlm do their best to warm the featureless vista. but get below the Surface to experience the true
Magrathea and learn about :ts ridiculously ostentatious luxun. planet building t;>usiness. Take a tour of the facton floor. and yOLl might be lucky enOngh to see the workers Sucking matter through white holes to form new planets.
Top tip: watch out for the anc:ent defence system on approach, which may deCide to take a pot shot at you wrth a couple of nuclear warheads. Damogran
A planet made entirely of tiny desert islands With annoyingly large stretches of water between them.
Bethselamin
The ten billion vrsitors to this fabulous planet each year are causmg such serious erosion that any net imbalance between the amount eaten and the amount excreted is Surgically removed on departure.
Top tip: always get a receipt when yOu go to the toilet. Earth
Mostly harmless
Wildlife to
watch out for Dolphins
The second most intelligent SpeCles on Earth. They've been aware of Earth's impending doom for a very long time. but in trying to tell man, their messages have been grOSSIy misinterpreted as attempts to Win fish by domg Silly tricks.
42 Hitchhiker‘s Guide to the Galaxy
Mice
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ant ."e sur'mem
tyiad'at"ea. H4151.tfl"."‘ff"“('f’f co'tie to ter'r‘s five“ as being a. ‘.€:. {we‘re '.it"e' (ltlifi‘m. ":tt lge "g; so Li"‘,"i.>'(r Babelfish \“Jhel‘ you‘re " We .;:)r‘*i;a"i. a being ‘.‘.’iififi‘.3 language you ddth understand. 1.0;: one if these little fellows ll‘ your ear and it"! all make perfect sense Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal
A beast so thick. .t z ssumes that it you can’t see it. :t can't see you. See towel.
fiiple Breasted Whore of Eroticon 6
Needs no introduction, surely.
What to wear
Towel
The most impertant hiking accessory. ever. For warmth for use as a weapon when wet. and for wrapping round your head to hide from the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal lbut also having a towel makes you look like a really together guyl.
, «A
Dressing gown and slippers
Not the ideal get-up for galactic travel. but if yOu're in the posmon of your planet facing imminent apocalypse. then mu know. it works.
What to drink
Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster
Mix: Juice from one bottle of Ol'Jahx Spin
One meaSure of water from the seas of Santraginus V
Three Cubes of Arcturan Mega- Gm
A meaSure of Oualactin Hypermint
The tooth of an AlgOIIar‘. Suntlger
Add ar‘ one
In case you‘ve forgotten or weren‘t even born in 1978 here is The List's own guide to the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.
People to meet
Arthur Dent
Owner of officially the worst day ever in the history of ever. and one of only two humans left in existence. Like most of his now extinct kind. Arthur spends his time not having a clue what's going on in the universe. If there's anyone moaning about not being able to get a decent cup of tea on an alien world. you can bet your Alturian Dollar you've found Arthur.
Ford Protect
A researcher for the new edition of Hitchhiker’s Guide. Ford was stranded on Earth for 15 years. You'd be forgiven for thinking he's human, largely due to his disguise as an actor from Guildford. Its success has been due to him always being seen to carry a lot of scripts around. but never actually getting a part.
laphod Booblobrox
The Galactic President. fugitive. inventor of the Pan- Galactic Gargle Blaster. semi- cousin to Ford. manic self- publicist. two-headed. three- armed, good timing lunatic who‘s very bad at personal relationships. Described by Eccentrica Gallumbits as “the best bang since the big one'.
Trilllan (nee THcla McMillan)
The cleverest remaining human. A degree in astrophysics meant taking the - leap from dole queue to improbability physics was an easy one.
Slartlbartfast
If you're on Magrathea. pop in and see this coastline designer. He's wise and a little weary. but always willing to
‘ take you through the finer points of fjord construction and show you his award for Norway.
Marvin the Paranoid Android
Depressed hunk of metal with a brain the size of a planet, who is thoroughly brought down by the drudgery of life. Built by the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation, whose complaints department covers the first three planets in the Sirius Tau Star System. He's seen it. it's rubbish.
Humma Kawla
High priest of the faith of the Great Green Arkleseizure, the being that the Jatravartid people of Vrltvoodle VI believe sneezed out the universe. Puts the Immaculate Conception to shame eh?
24 THE LIST 1-1—28 Apr 2005