He likes the simple things in life, does COLIN MURRAY, and that can mean anything from Tunnocks teacakes and Blazin’ Saddles to masturbation or George Bush.
If you had one day to live, who would you choose to spend it with?
That's a nice. happy question to start with. ‘Hi. welcome to The List. Tomorrow. you are going to die . . .' Jesus — I'd spend it on my own, frantically polishing my monkey.
Tell us the punchline to your favourite joke? He couldn’t collect it. because he burnt his coupon (may God forgive my sick mind).
Which time in history would you love to have lived? And why?
I'd probably choose to be about age ten in 1952 and then enjoy the music that was made over the following 15 years or so. It was revolutionary - black American artists. Elvis. the Beatles . . . the list is endless. My only other option would be to go back in time to exactly nine months before Jamie Oliver was born and politely ask his then future dad to. ahem, withdraw slightly earlier. What’s your favourite biscuit?
Now that's a really tough question. There are so many. On the old school front. you can't beat a Chocolate Digestive. or a Hobnob. Smashing a Tunnock’s Tea Cake on your forehead is also one
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of the great plea5ures in life. Yeah. I'll go for the Tea Cake. while slightly tipping my cap at a Jammy Dodger.
If you woke up one morning to discover you had developed one new power, what would you like it to be?
Without doubt. the power to see through clothes. You'd never have a bad day. w0u|d you? Now. obViously, it would have to be selective. or you‘d be having tea at your Granda‘s house and you'd be staring directly at his wrinkly tackle. But I'd take the rough with the smooth.
Your house is on fire. Family, friends and pets are all safe. What one thing would you rush back to save?
I wouldn't risk my life for anything outs:de of what you have listed. If I had to go back for something. it would probably be my original Blazing Saddles poster. In fact, I'd trade my family for it.
What song would you hate to be played at your funeral?
Anything that made anyone happy. I'm sick of hearing people say that they want their funerals to be happy affairs. That‘s a blatant lie! Everybody wants to be mourned when they pass away. I want people to be fainting in the aisles!
How big do you tip in restaurants?
I hate service charge. How dare somebody decide that the service is up to scratch. Also. many restaurants add service charge tips and tip written onto credit/debit card receipts. onto the actual wages of their staff, so they are taxed on it. That's a bloody disgrace. If the service is friendly and they don't look down their nose at me because I am wearing jeans and a T-shirt. then the tip (in cash) will be big.
When did you last laugh out loud while reading a book?
I‘ve just read a book of George W Bushisms. But I’m not sure whether it's tears of laughter or tears of overwhelming fear.
Who would you like to play you in the film of your life? Who would actually play you?
Ha ha! Glitter by Mariah Carey would be a bigger hit than a film of my life. it would just be one bloke, sitting in the dark playing PlayStation and online poker, breaking only to watch porn. Let me think. Well. it would have to be somebody younger than me to make sense, or at least somebody who looks younger than me. I've got it! Arnold from Diff'rent Strokes! I'd love him to do it. As for who I think will do it? Gary Coleman.
When did you last dance?
I dance most days in the studio, when I‘m doing my Radio 1 show. Usually just messing around. but it's dancing nonetheless. I‘m not big into serious clubbing - I like a good 808 club. It brings out the gay side in me.
When did you last cry?
I shed a tear watching Whale Rider the other day. Just a lone trickle down my left cheek. but it's a wonderful thing when a film can bring you to that stage. it's an awesome film. I won’t spoil it for you. but make sure you have tissues ready at the end when she dies.
What’s your lucky number? Can you tell me how it has proved to be so?
It‘s not a lucky number, really, but I do love the number 5. i don‘t know why. I'm sure there‘s some bloke in a cardigan with a beard somewhere who could explain the meaning behind it.
If you won a million pounds, what is the most expensive thing you’d buy?
Probably a season ticket and a flat in Liverpool. so I could watch the Mighty Reds all season. I'd invest most of it. but that would be my biggest
indulgence.
What’s your biggest regret?
Another happy one! I can think of some things that I‘d change slightly. but I don't have any major regrets. I Wish my grandmother Agnes was still around. I would like to have spent more time With her when she was ill.
Are you a cat or dog person?
I'm allergic to cats. Also. they care only for themselves. Dogs. in general. scare me. l'd take a goldfish over both of them.
What’s your all-time favourite sitcom?
I think Only Fools and Horses is the standard by which all other sntcoms should be judged. Nothing. for me. has ever quite got that balance right. it was slapstick humour. while at the same time always tinged With tragedy. You loved the characters. You cared for them. yet they still managed to make you wet your pants. The only modern comedy to come close. in my opinion. IS Phoenix Nights. They've built characters and they‘ve made you care about more than the laughter. Alan Partridge is also genius.
What’s the longest time you’ve slept soundly in one go over the last five years?
Jesus. Ten minutes probably. I had a week‘s holiday the other day and I slept for 14 hours on the first night. Magic.
I Colin Murray IS on Radio 7 weekdays from 7—4pm.
THINGS THAT HAVE BEEN REALLY IRRITATING US RECENTLY
Successors. Who’s the next Pope? Who’s the next Bond? Who's the Next Doctor Who? Who gives a stuff?
The person at Sky (5 ‘ TV who thinks it’s a jolly good idea to send out press releases that give away crucial plot twists in 24 (a series which relies heavily on the element of surprise) before anyone other than Americans and Sky TV press release writers have had a sniff of the episode. Ama-freakln-rillo.
Bottles of fruity herbal liquid which are adorned with the slogan ‘chill out' yet require you to reach near-hernia status before being able to get the damn lid off.
Yet more roadworks.
Daily health scares. Drinking milk gives men Parkinson's now. apparently.
Trying to find a pub in Rye that shows football on a Sunday.
Oasis' boring video for the boring ‘Lyla'. So boring. it inevitably leads to a state of irritation. Newspapers which have the same Image on their front cover. The Pope lying corpsed, fair enough. Tony Blelr taking photos with a teenager's posslbly stolen phone? Oh, come on.
Dusty bread.
Bins that smell bed before they get even , halfway full. / TV ‘ideas' people whose big ‘idea' is to bring back old ‘favourites'. Welcome home Ask the Family. The Ouatermass Experiment. Inspector Morse. Spitting Image. Sharpe and Blackadder.