MARITAL BLITZ
Wedding trauma for grumpy old man I Harold Macmillan‘s utterance. ‘Events. dear boy. Events . . .‘ was originally trotted out to highlight the unpredictability of being in government. Half a decade on, the phrase beautifully describes the series of misfortunes that have conspired to derail the marriage of Prince Charles to Worzel Gummidge‘s twin sister. First up was the miserablist prince’s response to the inconvenience of interrupting his ski holiday to attend a press conference (which he called). ‘These bloody people,‘ he muttered within earshot of reporters, his grouse leading the tabloids to dub him the ‘Prince of Wails'. Handbags raised. the Daily Record‘s take on Chuckie's behaviour was disapproving. ‘Okay, so his wedding plans may not be going without a hitch. But the least he can do is put on a brave face and smile for you, his loyal subjects.‘ As if such PR calamities weren’t enough. the malicious death of the Pope led to a diary clash between the royal nuptials and the pontiff‘s funeral. Referring to ‘The Curse of the Mummy' The Sun revealed the Queen's insistence that her son's wedding must be ‘put off until the autumn‘. If you ask Radar. it's all starting to feel like restocking the fridge aboard the Challenger shuttle.
KILT OR CURE
McConnell steers clear of damp squib
I The Tartan Day celebrations in New York came and went in a whirlwind of indifference. Most disappointing about the annual celebration of all things Caledonian was the lack of ridiculous fashion faux pas among the delegates. First Minister Jack McConnell elected to stay away from the event, having been widely mocked for flouncing around in a pinstripe kilt and Jacobean blouse at last year’s ‘Dressed to Kilt’ fashion show. Scotland on Sunday reported that finance minister Tom McCabe had opted to don the more sober tartan of the Royal and Ancient Golf Club. ‘One year on from McConnell’s “transvestite hobbit” appearance at Tartan
8 THE LIST 14—28 Apr 2005
MAGAZINES FOR THE OVER-50$
Battling with cowboys in Nagorno Karabakh
I A cursory flick through publications aimed at those approaching their golden years reveals that life indeed begins at a ripe old age. The matriarch of these mags remains Saga Magazine, which this month features an interview with Glenn Close. a poll of crucial ‘grey voters’ in the run-up to the general election. as well as a selection of tips for those who are ‘silver but single’. Most compelling, however. is the feature on the retired couple from Aberdeenshire who took a 4000-mile Land Rover trip from Scotland to Azerbaijan, and had their campsite invaded by a horse-backed refugee from Nagorno Karabakh, an Armenian annexe. The couple’s account reads like a gripping potboiler: ‘The man made a sudden grab at our entrenching tool — a wicked-looking implement with a short handle, a downward-pointing spade and an upward-pointing iron spike. Despite repeated urging, he refused to put it down. It was clear that we were in for trouble . . The recently launched Modern and Mature carries an interview with Dustin Hoffman as well as Kim Wilde’s gardening tips. a report on the lure of cosmetic surgery and a feature on the couple who have fostered more than 80 children. The mag’s special fashion feature invites readers to “look snazzy in the rain and wind with some pretty and sexy trench coats designed to shield you from whatever surprises the weather has in store’. Roll on retirement!
Week 2004, it seems his fellow ministers have learned some important lessons,’ sniffed the broadsheet. However, Tartan Day
was not without controversy. SNP leader Alex Salmond launched his general election campaign from the Wallace Monument near Stirling by declaring that he wants 6 April to become ‘lndependence Day’ in keeping with the original spirit of the Declaration of Arbroath. According to The Herald, ‘a Conservative spokesman reacted to the Independence Week announcement saying: “That’s fine by us. We’ll have 51 unionist weeks, which is about the right ratio.”’ Now, now girls . . .
‘Neither Guy nor Madonna speak a word of the language so they cannot understand anything.’
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‘I feel bad talking bad about him because it’s like hitting a girl. It’s like picking on a kid in a wheelchair because he has no personality and no sense of humour at all.’ THU Bt’tl‘. U”. '5‘ Still? Elm/(TON cont/nuns the hand.’>ags at dawn spat w't’t The Killers Blandon flour/s
‘I own three of everything on this earth.’
On turn/or; fill this war, Bruce l‘Vl/l/s real/ses that hwthdai gifts are now a l/tt/e redundant.
‘People hear C-Murder and they don’t realise that the name simply means that l have seen many murders in my native neighbourhood.’ Rapper Corey Mil/er decides to drop his stage name. two years after being convicted for murder.
‘lt’s expensive, but worth every penny. He loved explosions.’
An/ta Thompson, Widow of Hunter 8. who killed h/rnsell Ill the kitchen while h/s Six-year- old grandson was I!) the muse, talks about his plans to have his ashes shot from a cannon.
‘I’d just got off a plane and it was three in the morning. Trust me, my only thought was: “Where’s the bed?”’
Mar/ah Carey den/es her latest reported bout of diva—like behawour invo/wng three-foot high candles and purple carpets With polka dots.