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The last place you'd want to find yourself at a JOAN RIVERS show is in the front row. Here's a sample of wit and wisdom from the queen of the barbed one-liner.
My best birth control now is to leave the lights on.
Before we make love, my husband takes a pain killer.
Money can‘t buy you happiness but it can pay for the plastic surgery.
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My perfect childbirth experience?
Knock me out with the first pain, and
wake me up when the hairdresser arrives.
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m" “H? Lint :.:"v>r/ta ;-'7 ti": ‘~
There is not one female comic who was
beautiful as a little girl.
lliti‘m ‘it, Litt'o- til/llfriz' f‘m‘ f'- ‘
.'}.".,i»' .7 Lite- '5'", It's been so long since I made love, I can’t even remember who gets tied up.
Itim‘i". tl'ii'tk l"'2 trim! :t! tit-'1 lyi, : ' .ii‘..'tl‘;iiii. {H.T zi’N-L fl‘ti’ii: :‘v-w :- r:h.‘iik .i'n'l :tifé' ~'- L", :w rt‘,
Want to solve the problem in the Middle East? Send over five post-menopausal Jewish women.
|t<\l<l ill, i'iritlzw 'l‘ 1.13. flint l‘v ..-:»- ’w' lititlfit‘. {illtt FM: fsnirl, '(3tri tlw- he n‘t " . t ' 1: MT. The guys I’m dating are old. To them, ‘going all the way’ means making it to the bathroom in time.
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They say the art of telling a simple joke is a dying one. Well, maybe. So we asked three comics performing at the festival
to take a familiar opening line to a gag and finish it off. It‘s the way they tell ‘em.
The Scotsman: Frankie Boyle >2 west/fate. J {View .ir‘ untre'niker ‘.'..:1’t ,I‘ft‘ .3 {mt The : ' ‘::tifute gets .1 reungi ‘ ii‘ .‘i'vti‘ry- ‘i*0t1\;t;iviia.1ii h :11‘ mt gt‘t‘ ‘l (we The Jot) i‘ut l 'hlii? the tiet‘eption It's H‘z- t'wti 't, ‘thi .x tiny. turf ’l.i\.'l‘t; to tell him he's t]1.'.'.".f‘{)ltl;l)t“~i.‘Lit‘mll‘Iiir“.‘.’f)litifiltilt‘ff’llti'nkiiO tit lr-rt‘f.:r‘i: z ': tilt/tit; Sheetxh‘ lht- {Hurst Egetr. tt‘e next mum) and means; .tht‘ut hm :: it, ‘l the [M l..‘. lute the deceptzon It's .Jlt‘ than; ftwiigi pttte’uhz ti? 'i‘trne\,. but I hate in. mg; it; tell impure that .‘xhen they (lie they'll tie live .i t'tiff‘. (f'tjtl’i u: h.1‘.i"tt I!) tell the tt'TL’ifilfy'liil) That he'“ (lot the inquest (gunk Ill the m: Shee‘in' lhe Lill’i‘f'itiktft rams" 'I hate “15' let). hut l love the deception I'm the guy who told ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ° ' ' " that exposure 11) emhnlming fluid vilouldn't make his (tick (imp mf‘.' Ufa/tor '3; note: this yoke i5: about someone frank/e (/2?.‘£fi/l.‘)t?.‘; (1:; 1'1 L'.'e//+;nr)i‘.'.'7 r‘e/ehnty nerinwhi/int,". Of course, for legal ttk‘ifith'lii, we (.(in't name
til/7).]
The Englishman: Steve Day 'Two men and (1 horse it'd/k into {2 put
it was the Prince of Wales
The Irishman: Brendan Dempsey Three men Lm/k into (1 put)
“Knock knock,’ says; the first,
‘Who's there'?’ answers; the second
‘Doctor doctor; I keep
imikant; unto the wrong ioke.' complains; the third. I Frankie Bovle. the Stand. Thu 70 Mar: Steve Day. lift/r Note. Fri 1 7 Mar; Brendan Dempsey, the Stand, Thu l7/v1a/L
@2009 V c JACKSON M J COLLIN
HEY 5055 THERE'S TWO CHAPS AT THE 900K.
TELL THEM I’M NO IN. TELL THEM I’M AT AKBKOAI'M
WELL WE'LL JU‘5T AWAIT WHILE HE FINISHES.
we HEAR THE MAM/155 ARE
NAE VOIN6 FANTO THE YEAR.
WELL AN5WER IT AFORE THEY (HAP AéAIN.
WE LOULV BE TEMPTEV OOTAE RETIREMENT. FOR THE KIéHT FEE
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YOU BOY9 60T YOUK‘EELF A 6I6. (VEAV MEN CANNAE 5UE — AM I RIéHT?)
18 THE LIST 3—‘ 7 Mm QC.“