For the past ten years he’s been trying to persuade us to put on a red nose in the name of charity, so why has LENNY HENRY got it in for ‘The Birdie Song’ — and can he even remember why?
Who are you more like: Bob Geldof or Midge Ure?
I think Richard Curtis is Bob Geldof and I'm Midge Ure. Comic Relief was Richard‘s idea and I think someone else was going to host the night, then they asked me if I wanted to do it and I agreed. I think Geldof's got some bottle actually. I love the way he tells people off and doesn‘t take any shit. If you had one day to live, who would you choose to spend it with?
The wife! Are you mad? The wife. the kid and the dog. at home with the remote control and unlimited access to the telly.
Do all your family watch Vicar of Dibley together?
Yeah. we are made to. We have to! It's good though. I enjoy it. It‘s not something I have to do under sufferance.
What is the punchline to your favourite joke? To stop it exploding when you put it in the microwave.
What period of history would you love to have lived in?
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I think we are IiVing in pretty good times now. Mandela was released. Comic Relief has raised E337m. and I think we are the generation that is going to get things done. But we are also livmg in a world where someone dies every 30 seconds from poverty-related causes. and we are in a posmon where this year it is on the agenda at the G8. and we COuld influence their deCiSion. It may be a QUiet. gentle revolution. but I think it could happen.
What is your favourite biscuit?
I have a sneaking admiration for Bourbons. They are Just such brilliant biscuits. It's the two chocolatey things on the outSide. then more chocolate again in the middle. It's the perfect biscuit. Dawn would say Hobnobs. but I think that Bourbons are pretty neat. I think they hold more tea. very. very good for dunking.
If you woke up tomorrow to discover you had developed one new power, what would you like it to be?
Super-retentive memOry. that's what I‘d like. because I‘m doing an Open University course at the moment and I'm crap at taking notes. so I‘m always in the middle of exams thinking: ‘What was that guy‘s name? What did he say?” Super— Retentive Organisational Skills Man, that's who I'd like to be.
Which song would you hate to have played at your funeral?
‘The Birdie Song‘. People are mourning, they‘re crying, they are weeping over their dearly departed, and suddenly ‘du du du du du du du'. I don't want that. But there are some great songs to play at funerals that are guaranteed to make people cry and that‘s what you want. really. You want people to remember you. but you want people to have a bloody good cry as well.
When did you last laugh out loud when reading a book?
Because I‘m doing the Open University I‘m not reading many funny books at the moment. The year before last. it was the 19th century novel and last year it was Shakespeare. so I‘ve been walking around with a really glum face. And. like most comedians. I get choosier as | get older.
Who would you like to play you in a film of your life?
Samuel L Jackson, but I think Jimmy Krankie would end up playing me. although she‘d have to wear heels and get a tan, wear a little make-up. No. I think the little bloke from Different Strokes would end up playing me. standing on a box. When did you last dance?
Last night, we had some music on in the house and I was shaking my ass. It was Beyonce and Outkast. I was listening to Trevor Nelson the other day too. dancing in the car and he played ‘Rebel Without a Pause' by Public Enemy. I hadn't heard it for ages. So I was dancing in the car and didn‘t see the traffic lights change. then heard ‘Beep beep! Turn the radio off and drive. asshole.‘
If you won a million pounds, what’s the most expensive thing you would buy?
I'd buy my sister a house or something like that. Or get my brother a car. I‘ve got a big family so I think it would go quickly. I think the words ‘I've won a mi‘ would come out. then it w0uld just be gone.
What is your biggest regret?
I don‘t have any regrets. except I made a film in America and I wish it had been better. All my friends. who I trust. read the screenplay and thought it was great. Then when we got to America it all changed and they kept on bringing in new writers. In the end I knew it was going
down the pan and l th0ught: ‘This is a Supreme waste of everyone's time'
Are you a cat or dog person?
We've had to have dogs because my Wlfe likes dogs. We had an Airedale called Delilah which was untrainable. I spent most of the Summers we owned her walking round shouting ‘Deliiiiiilah' Then four hours later she was always on the doorstep panting and thinking, ‘Where did you guys go?‘ Now we've got a West Highland Terrier called Dolly. She's very trainable and a very. very clever dog.
When was the last time you plucked hairs from your nostrils?
This morning. I did it With the fingers of my left hand. and boy did I yank. They are quite strong. my nose hairs. I can use them to pull the corks out of Wine bottles. Sometimes it's a wonder I don't pull my nose off. But then again, that's another story. (Interview by James Smart)
I Red Nose Night Live 05. BBCl, Fri 11 Mar. from 7pm.
AndFinally...
IT'S BEEN A FORTNIGHT OF DISCOVERY, REDISCOVERY AND REINVENTION
a KIWI
SHOE POLISH
Shines, Nouns/res :9 Protect:
BLACK NOIR
I Jimmy Somervllle made a brief dalliance on our new stereo. The ‘tattie-heid' wee man (now impressively muscular) danced and skipped With a pop beat all over the fresh. shiny speakers. until he was shouted down and forced back into his box. Someone described the experience of listening to his high-pitched tones as akin to hearing the whine of a boyfriend you've grown to hate but can’t bring yourself to finish With. Our reviewer must be a kinder soul than we.
Another reappearance that we thought had also been humanely killed off are wedge-style ospadrllles. Suddenly in the weekend supplements and on shop floors. these lethal strappy, narrow straw bricks came out. It's not iust that one List staffer Suffered a nasty injury during school days where a trip up some stone stairs resulted in blood-soaked raffia. but the retro-retro thing is so over. New styles please.
Much more like it is the back-to-basics delights of one foppish cineaste who likes to keep things real, when he can. ‘00 you remember shoe pollsh’?‘ he said one morning. striding into work in his World War 1 boots. Glowing with nostalgia and a good deep tan (the boots), we all remembered the pleasure involved in routine domestic chores. We sighed at the memory of little round tins whose lids flipped up and recalled fondly the smell of horsehair dipped in wax polish.
Nostalgia was noticeable in other warming ways with the news that an online poll to name the new Wembley stadium after a football legend has Jlm Baxter as top choice. The Tartan Army has lost no energy in garnering support for the man whose keepie-uppies beat England in 1967. They knew about boot polish in those days; there's the rub.