WHO'S BAD?
Michael Jackson’s sex trial gets
underway I It appears the most sensational trial in show business history COuld also be the longest. As the press wolves drooled at the prospect of all the dirt that's about to be flung around at Michael Jackson‘s child molestation trial. it was revealed that simply appomtrng the jury may take a month, while teleVi8lon cameras are to be banned from the COurt. (Dammit!) The Dar/y Record still managed to get excrted. though. ‘Thrs is going to be great.‘ gushed its pop column. the Razz. The red top also generously offered Jacko some sartorial tips: ‘He wore white. he wore a wee gold chain round his middle. he looked as white as a ghost. Couldn't he have just worn a suit and slrcked his hair back with gel like any other accused going on trial?" I Mirror columnist Sue Carroll was decidedly unimpressed by the freaky spectacle of Jackson anriving at court to be greeted by 300 hysterical fans. ‘Why anyone worships a 46-year-old man with a face more patched up than a busted lilo beats me,’ she sniffed. Meanwhile, The Daily Mail reported that Jackson’s spokeswoman Raymone Bain ‘shot down rumours that he had been suicidal’. ‘His spirits are great,’ she said. Presumably she wasn’t referring to the alcoholic beverages he is alleged to have plied his young accuser with.
BARREL OF GAFFES
First minister under fire
I Oh dear. it‘s not been a good start to the year in the public relations calamity that IS Jack McConnell‘s relationship with the media and his pariiamentary colleagues. Responding to the latest developments in “Villa Gate'. the first minister's controversial family holiday with the broadcaster Kirsty Wark. The
8 THE LIST 1? Feb—3 Mar 2005
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VIVA VERITAS
Sketch writers spoil Kilroy’s party
I The launch of Robert Kilroy—Silks new political party Veritas was a gift of a
surreal occasion for the country's political sketch writers. who the Orange One
referred to as the “metropolitan smartarse' branch of Westminster reporting.
The BBC Online's Brian Wheeler set the scene: ‘He began by brandishing reams of paper. which he said were the "lies. evasion and spin" of the political establishment.’ It was great theatre although what the long. taped together printout actually was, was never made clear. Perhaps the number of parties Mr Kilroy-Silk has been a member of, muttered one member of the press pack.‘
I Times sketch writer Ann Treneman drew attention to the fact that Veritas was launched with ‘a little tanned lie’. “‘This is not a
one-man party,” Kilroy cried, blue eyes glittering as he saw his varnished features reflected in the eyes of a roomful of people who had come to see him.’
I The impression that Kilroy's new party was merely a one-man ego trip was summed up by Quentin Letts in The Daily Mail, who recommended ‘Variitas' as a more fitting title. To be fair, Letts' quip was not entirely original to the eminent columnist. Like the sick jokes that circle the globe within seconds of a major tragedy. it's impossible to pinpoint who coined this perfect pun, though al Jazeera‘s website attributed it to the leadership of Kilroy's erstwhile political homestead. UKIP. Indeed. there's even a vast website lva/vanitaspartycom) devoted to the spoof party. Making a thinly veiled reference to Kilroy's slurry- splattering incident. their tagline is ‘the straight talking party — no shit!‘
a school visit. Responding to a concerned letter from Sturgeon, the beleaguered McConnell ‘accused the SNP’s Holyrood leader of twisting his comments for the sake of a soundbite.’ Now, it could be that Radar is missing the subtlety of our beloved first minister’s argument but Jack’s advice to pupils at Glenurquhart High School near lnverness, to ‘by all means get drunk once in a while' seems fairly unequivocal.
Scotsman c0uld be seen rubbing its fingerless gloved hands in glee at the news that McConnell faces probe — surely a somewhat painful and draconian punishment for Sllhpl‘, failing to declare the New Year trip as a gift”? I The Herald, meanwhile, reported on the war of words that briefly flared between McConnell and his SNP counterpart Nicola Sturgeon following the first minister’s widely reported comments on underage drinking made to teenagers during
‘l’d used the same jokes in Glasgow a few days earlier and they went down really
well.’
‘You’re lucky I’m even acknowledging Edinburgh exists.’
‘I have severe acid reflux.’
‘Now pop stars are people you’d rather fuck than listen to.’
‘It said in the papers I went on a 10 hour bender the night I won, but it was definitely far longer than that.’
H" '. .'
‘l’ve spoken to him about the movie but I haven’t asked if he wants to play me.’
‘Boring old gits to wed.’
‘Goldie Lookin’ Chain epitomise that whole ‘fuck you’ attitude you get in South Wales.’