tfieLEECH
Sucking the blood of popular entertainment
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I In keeping with the theme of cheap stuff that seems to he per\.'adrrrg this edition of Me / is}. the Leech has derirded to offer up some tales from the I tss legal side of the mighty blag. lhrs rs the srde of hlaggrng that reeognrses no horders or houndanes of taste, humiliation and at no trrnes rn\.ol\./es the art of herng truthful. What rs a hlag'r‘ lhe hlag rn its essence rs a (i()ll or seam. lo he a gold medal hlagger‘ an individual must have the ahrlrty to hend the truth rand not get rtatrglrt:. he a gurek thinker and ahle to (:harm the pants off rnedra whores. nuns and doormen. 'l'hrnk Ocean's 78. people. Some people are horn hlaggers. some aehreve hlagness. some have hlagness thrust upon them. What follows is a selection of remrnrseehttes (‘()ltlltllll(}(l to text forever in the leeeh's recent B/ag Scott; no’ (,‘ensos 200:3. If you have any hetter ones. then why not send them to It‘t‘t‘ltdllSU‘tHlk for the amusement of fellow trreksters'?
I Hermione Trough of Fountarnpark. Edinburgh sent this one in: ‘A few \ears ago a friend and l
were ha\rng dinner mm the road from the grand opening of the National Museum of Scotland and we tried to get in wearing leans and lshrrts
10 THE LIST Q.‘
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re\'en.'one else was rn hall gowns and suitsi. Mx rrrate told one doorrr‘an he that didn't
work. \"v’e headed round the side
was Pahlo Pittasso's son
entrance and while the doorman was dealing with sorr‘eone else's rnxrtes we sneaked in, It was like entering a Baz Luhrmann hallroom srtene. l-ountarns of champagne were flowing and we took a glass and started danerng. At midnight. a pipe hand processed through the hall. and at this point we ran upstairs and hid in the Janitors room. lhere were some sandwrehes out. We ended up in the roeks and rnrnerals department where we spent the night and snuek out at srx.' The moral? Always adopt an arr of confidence. even if in Jeans. Timing and distraction are everything.
I Further to the west. Pam Brindle of Lrnlrthgow recalled this bittersweet tale: 'When I was about 17. my friend and I went to the rnetropolrs looking for kicks. We put on very bad American accents and pretended we were putting together a travellers' guide to pubs in the area. Everyone gave us free beer and we thought we were ver\ (:Iever untrl my friend got so drunk she spat rnto a glass and gave rt to a handsome barman. (:larmrng l had done rt.‘ Nice.
I Finally. Roderick Bannockburn of Twr/el sent in this one: 'I spent a Scottish summer temprng as PA to some rich dickhead. One of m, tasks was to open his marl exert morning and he had a lot of party [HUIGS offering free booze. so I went to them all and nexer told hrn‘. no.2 hax e my own music distribution corrrpant but I don't seem to get the same kind of INHIRTIOHS my. old boss drd. whrcn l don't understand because I onlt. applet. fingerless PAST Farewell
trorr‘ Leech till more decadent times.
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Ah, steaming, sapid, soupy soup. It‘s as it the Angel Gabriel himself is holding your face in his hands and telling you that you're the best. But the joy doesn‘t morph into self-hatred - as with toffee popcorn — and the home-made stuff is darn good for you. It's the best way to transform cheap components into something gorgeous since Posh Spice got an agent.
In the name of God, how can getting up from a seated position be so excruciating? Smug people who religiously went to the gym over the festive period can look away now. but for the rest of us that first trip back will result in at least two days of grimacing like a Cheshire cat with a hot poker up its arse every time you make a move to stand up. Feel the burn.