Dads barmy army
What’s that bloke in a batman outfit doing on Buckingham Palace? Some fathers have been using headline-grabbing tactics to protest against their unfair treatment when marriage breaks down. Ruth Hedges is unimpressed.
Is not fair. I didn‘t want to get diyorced. It w asn't
my idea. It‘s not fair. it‘s not fair. it's not fair. .-\nd so
it goes. ml i'ii/iiiiiimi. Fathers 4 Jtistice. the militant campaign group who belieye that fathers are unfairly treated under current law. haye been stamping their feet for the last two years. crying otit in pain. chaining themselyes to railings. cranes. and late last year. the bamboo of Holyrood. They're suffering. let no-one mistake it. They are Victims of Vicious laws and women who want to cut their children out of their lives forever. One member has been qtioted as saying. ‘(‘hildren are being abused while parents and grandparents are being denied contact with them.~
l'nder Scottish Law. if parents can‘t reach agreement. courts will grant a residency order to one parent. bill that parent has no right to deny the other contact 7 they both have legal responsibilities for their children. (‘hildren over the age of l2 will be consulted in the decision.
Both parents are supported and encouraged by the law. to have contact with and share responsibility for their children. But ANY more important is that the time spent with each parent will be infinitely better without bitterness and possessiyeness. Like a lover clinging on. there is nothing that will make someone — child or adult — feel more claustrophobic than someone who is desperate for them. It is perhaps a unique time — childhood - when it is your right to be selliin and not be forced into becoming a [’N Ambassador from the moment you can say. 'Well perhaps. Mum. if you look at it from this angle . . .' Lord knows. there's a lifetime of guilt and compromise ahead. Learning diplomacy from school age is one class you should definitely skip.
It is widely accepted that it is much better for children to have their two parents actiy'ely involved in their lives. But it is more important to live securely. otit of conflict and battle. Time can be split half and half — after all. it was both a sperm and an egg that made the child in the first place. It is only fair. Indeed. this is what my father insisted upon as his right as co-parenter. So every two weeks my sister and I would pack tip our stuff - school books. ghetto blaster. make-up and clothes then shift house. All fair and square.
I remember at school other kids lucky enough to have two homes laughing wrny about the cony'oluted arrangements to ‘keep it fair' - every weekend with Dad. ey'eiy other Wednesday with Dad and eyeiy other Friday with Mum. Once. when walking along the street I bumped into a mate carrying a Tesco bag on his way to his Mum's — ‘.\ly life‘s in me bag] he said. Humour helps in these faintly ridiculous times. Indeed there was often a note of weary sighing at the tantrums and acrimony that persisted in the name ofjustice.
So I just don‘t buy the Fathers 4 Justice argument or
12 THE LIST 6—30 Jan 2305
RELATIONSHIP BREAK UP THERE'S RARELY FAIRNESS
tactics. I can understand the sense of loss that they may feel as their most precious ones are not in their daily care. They hay'e been deyoted fathers taught their kids how to ride a bike. taken them to swimming class. and read stories ey'ery night. Then suddenly a court say s you can haye your children from 7pm on a l‘riday to opm on a Sunday. The weekly agony of haying to say goodby c is almost inconceiy'able. .-\nd yes. it's not fair.
But they’re coming at it from the wrong and frankly most damaging way for eyeryone iny'olyed. By the time a parent‘s fought for their rights and achieyed that satisfactory amount ofaccess. they may liiid their child‘s all grown tip and left home. (ioing at it that way. there are no winners. But that doesn‘t mean there are failures or losers or yictims either.
The Scottish Parliament is currently debating changes in the diy‘orce law and looking into the policy currently trsed in certain states of America where ey'ery couple with children contemplating diyorce lime to go to family mediation linglaiid to be granted legal aid you hayc to proy'c that you liay‘e at least considered mediation. Beyond questions of fault and wrongdoing and hurt. new liy‘es haye to be built and decisions haye to be made. And what children want is happy parents who loy'e them btit don‘t rely on them for may emotional need. :\s Blake said: We it'll!) him/x In IllilHSl’f/‘(k/‘UIV / Dow” I/H’ ii'iligr’rl Ult' (l(’.\II'U_\' / Hill /l(' who kisses Ilir'joy' (is it'll/(fly /I.ii'r's in ('It'riiily' 's siriii'i'sr'.'
So. Fathers 4 Justice. take off your batman outfit. take off your santa hat and be normal dads. in the way that anyone is in a society where nearly half of marriages end in diy'orce. It may sound terribly British but you‘ye got to make the best of a bad situation. l)on‘t waste the time there is. because it‘ll go past so much quicker while you are saying ‘it's not fair” out and o\ er again.
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