Critics pour bile on troubled water
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Mixed messages either side of border I Foxes, you can come out now. No need to fear being torn limb from limb by nasty, rumbustious hounds, thanks to England having finally fallen into line with Scotland’s two-year old hunting ban. So what‘s this pack of bloodthirsty dogs doing, scarpering uninvited across a farmer‘s land near Kelso, on the trail of a terrified vixen? And who are those merry folk chasing after them on horseback? That‘s not a hunt, says a Sheriff in a landmark ruling reported by all the newspapers. Oh no, that's a group of volunteers called the Pest Control Service, generously helping farmers keep vermin under control. Blam! Blam! Oh yeah. we forgot to mention that, as long as the hounds drive you towards someone with a gun, who shoots your brains out, it‘s not hunting. This
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‘The idea of being able to vote is so exciting to these people, it’s better than Christmas.’
‘lt’s such fun because we go out on the pull together. She longs for me to have a boyfriend and I long for her to have one.’
‘I love Tofurkey. And I make a mean gravy with whole- wheat flour and soya milk.’
‘Hell, I’m an old man, it’s early in the morning and I’m gathering my thoughts here.’
I What to do for that Christmas meal if you long to escape the curse of tasteless r :r _- , <, turkey? Well. a rash of foody magaZines are lining up to give you some tips. Olive bills itself as ‘the magazine for food lovers'. but seemingly undermines its mission by
advising readers not to bother cooking their own lood. Instead it suggests readers buy something ready-made from a supermarket and pretend they rustled it up earlier. 'Practice at least mice a week. You'll soon sound so coriVincing, you'll believe you really did spend four days assembling canapCs.’ it gushes in one of the Silliest pieces of editorialising ever seen in the history of crap magazines. But what exactly does it recommend we eat on the 25th? Er. ‘Marks 8. Spencer large turkey breast ]()Illl on the bone. with sage and onion stuffing.‘ Not so radical. then.
I Maybe Delicious magazine can help? ‘We’ve come up with some really tasty recipes that can be turned out production line-style, including a last- minute Christmas spread,’ says its editor. And on that production line menu f1" :3 m i
‘I don’t find myself sexy. But then everybody finds something different. People can think “God, Gisele is so fucking ugly.” And they can say she’s pretty or whatever. It’s all about taste.’
we are advised to cook . . . ‘roast turkey crown with lemon, parsley and I ." .9 thyme’. We’re tempted to ask for our £2.80 cover price back. But things are slightly better in BBC Good Food. Alongside its predictable turkey recipe, it
publishes Rick Stein’s suggestion of salmon en croute, in which the fish is stuffed and cooked in a pastry case. ‘With the ginger, mace and currant centre, it is steeped in the oldest flavours of our cuisine,’ says Stein. Then he admits it’s more likely we’ll eat it on Christmas Eve. So, the taste of old leather and over-boiled sprouts wins out on the big day. But for yuletide " " foodies, it’s People’s Friend that saves the day. ‘Show how much you care by ' " making edible presents for family and friends’, it advises. ‘Cover 8 box with Christmas paper. Line with tissue paper and put gingerbread kids inside. Or arrange on a Christmas plate and cover with clingfilm.’ Now that’s festive.
loophole in the Hunting Act 2004 is explained by Horse and Hound, subtly avoiding any use of the F word. ‘If a pet dog is loose in a park and races after a squirrel, the dog is hunting but the owner might not be. If the owner encourages the dog to hunt, then the owner is also “hunting”. What if the owner lets it off the lead but sits quietly on a park bench while the dog decimates the squirrel population? There‘s no answer in this Act and the
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courts will have to fill in the grey areas.‘ Never mind squirrels, what about foxes? The Telegraph quotes Lib Dem MP Lembit Opik, who says that legislation is too vague: ‘How is the village bobby who sees a group of people with dogs supposed to distinguish between illegal hunting, drag hunting, a hunt exercising hounds, or simply chasing away?‘ For now, four legged red animals would be well advised to stay underground.