EECFUG JOHNSTONE
Time to self destruct
The world is full of once brilliant rock bands who don’t seem to know when to call it a day. Doug Johnstone feels his blood starting to boil.
ext month the Beta Baiid play their last ever show. While some fans might be wailing and gnashing their teeth at the prospect. not me. I rejoice. Not because I don‘t like the Beta Band. you understand. No. I rejoice because the Beta Band e unlike a million other bands spread across the world e have had the bottle to knock it on the head when the time was right. to get out while the going was good. Richard (ircentree from the hand put it best: 'The Beta Band apple has over-ripened and become riddled with maggots. it must fall from the tree and let its seeds return to ground.‘
If only other hands had the gtirnption to follow suit. When rock‘n'roll was invented — whenever the hell it was way back in the mists of time — did we really think that several decades on we'd still have the Rolling Stones parading around. waving their bus passes iii the air. emptying their colostomy bags during the interval. and playing songs that were last vital 4() years previously"? Hell no. If we had. the human race would never have signed up for it. and might have stayed with skiflle instead.
Something got very badly twisted along the way. Rock and pop music are. by their very nature. surely. meant to be short. sharp. visceral thrills of adrenalin- soaked riffage and gorgeous melodies performed with youthful intensity by strikingly beautiful. cool-as-fuck men and women. while your parents ttit away in the background going. ‘Is that a man or a woman'."
But what do we have now‘.’ A quick look at the gig listings says it all: Paul Weller. the Beach Boys. Mark Knoplier. Wet Wet Wet have just re-formed. Who the hell needs that‘.’ But while hands like the Wets are sad enough (and there are a multitude of them out there still shamelessly trawling the world). much worse are the hands or artists who were once vital. inventive. energising forces iii music. and who are now not just shit beyond belief. but irrelevant shit that brings abject shame on their own musical legacy.
What was the last REM album that anyone actually liked or gave a toss about? For me. it was probably Green. How long ago was that'.’ And [‘2 are another disgrace to themselves. I remember being gobsmacked when I first heard ( )( tuber. That seems like a lifetime ago. and it is — a lifetime of mediocrity that passes for ‘excellence‘. of regurgitation that passes for 'reinvention’.
And worse. both REM and U: are lauded to the hilt across the media. despite producing utterly tedious material for the last ten years. ‘Well done for not being dead.' we seem to be telling them. ‘Have another lifetime achievement award‘. Let’s face it. does anyone attending either band‘s colossal stadium shows go thinking. ‘I really hope they play that new song off the new album“? You know as well as I do what” get the
10 THE LIST ’8 New; Dec 300$
‘WELL DONE FOR NOT BEING DEAD' WE SEEM TO BE TELLING
biggest cheer of the night. and it isn't the dreary new single. that's for sure.
And the list is endless. In this country. the survivors of Britpop have aged worst. Remember Blur versus ()asis'.’ OK. that was dreadful hype to promote two mediocre singles. btit can you imagine caring that much about either hand iiow‘.’ A friend of mine who has been a hardcore ()asis fan from the beginning said that he almost wept watching the recently released tenth anniversary DVD of Definite/v .lIuv/n'. 'l‘ears were in his eyes because of the band they had become. and the ignominy their recent output has placed on the shoulders of what should've been a crowning moment in rock‘n'roll. And while we‘re in the vicinity. has anyone heard the Manic Street Preachers reeently'.’ Holy shit. linough already. please. Richie will be turning in . . . well wherever he is. he‘ll be spitting feathers.
Of course it‘s not just bands: solo artists are just as capable of never knowing when to give tip. Watch some early footage of lilton John in action » he‘s awesome. Look at him now. the Queen Mum of insipid pop banality. And then there's Michael Jackson. Prince. George Michael. Rod Stewart — the list is virtually endless.
Watching Paul Weller turn out turgid
covers makes you weep for the legacy of
the Jam. and makes you almost glad that
Ian Curtis. Kurt (‘obain and John Lennon all died when they did — at least that way there's no chance of any of them or their hands ruining their incredible musical heritage.
That‘s not simply to advocate the live—fast-die-young ethic. ()n the contrary. live long and creatively prosper. band members of today. But please don’t whore yourself to the musical masses. never reach the creative comfort zone. never do it for the money and doth believe the hype and the yes men and the media. Don‘t become a parody. and don‘t negate your early genius.
And so congratulations to the Beta Band for calling it a day. Musicians of the world. please take note.
The sergeant:
PlUCKlNG FRUITS FROM THE CULTURAL BUSH
I He's proved that he's the king of British comedy. so why shouldn't Ricky Gervais (pictured) try to get a toehold down US way? Having already impressed audiences with The Office on BBC America and making a bizarre guest appearance in snazzy futuristic crime drama Alias. the boy behind Brent is believed to be planning an assault on another Stateside cult. Arrested Deve/opment is dorng decent business over here after scooping the big comedy Emmy Award and discussions are in place to find Gervais a slot on the show . . . Slim British gent Ralph Fiennee and US counterpart Donald Sutherland have signed on to star in Land of the Blind. the stOry of a prisoner who recounts his life as a soldier turned political dissident and his eventual role in the overthrow of his unnamed country’s totalitarian government . . . George Clooney will direct and star in Goodnight and Good Luck. a movie about the renowned US anchorman Edward R Murrow‘s legendary on-air confrontations with liberal and left wing-baiting Senator Joseph McCarthy . . . Athlete. Mercury Music nominees from 2003. are off and running on a second album, entitled Tourist, due out at the end of January. Within the no doubt iaunty tracklist are numbers entitled ‘Yesterday Threw Everything At Me' and ‘Modern Mafia' . . . Media anarchist Chris Morris is due back to haunt our worst nightmares at the start of the year with a sitcom entitled Box of Slice. The project is believed to revolve around a fashion and design magazine called Sugar Rape. Hopefully. it will be really upsetting in so many ways.